Pothead Poltergeists
Jackass
I remember falling back onto the street thinking “What a jackass!” as I was getting up. I had even been in the crosswalk. I was amazed to find that I could get up and I was perfectly fine. Not even a scratch. Then the man who hit me came running out of car to see if I was okay I guess. But that’s about when I started to question what the fuck was going on. Was this guy out of his mind for real? You don’t just ignore the person you just almost killed already.
He ran right past me with a face like he was in hell. “What a nerve,” I was thinking, “dented his car or something stupid,” so I look behind me and see the weirdest thing. There I am on the ground. There’s a lot of blood. Man. I can actually see myself. It was so fucking unbelievable, yet at the same time, it hit me so matter-of-factly exactly what was going on. It was so clear. I stumbled over to this leaf here and just sort of fell down. The leaf’s been good to me over these past ten minutes.
So here I am now, this is where I start. I look over and the ambulance is there. I look at my mom, my sisters and my brothers. I over-hear talk. It really doesn’t make any sense though. How can I still be alive when I was so sure I was a ghost? I believe in ghosts.
I never had a religion, but I believed in ghosts and have since I was in elementary school. I taught myself with all the books in the library about real interactions with ghosts and paranormal activities. They were the only thing of interest in that library. I have always had a love for scary stuff – you know, that’s why I love horror movies so much probably. Also because my Mom was the one who introduced me and my siblings to Rob Zombie, Night Gallery and the Twilight Zone. I started early on. Roller coasters too.
Well, I guess I would have to believe in ghosts now if I am one. I smile at that. And I’ll have to get used to all that scary stuff if I’m not already. I wonder how I can take all of this so calmly. You know, this feels pretty good. Like I just had a glass of wine and I’m relaxed. That’s why. I should be freaking out, but I can’t find a reason to.
After that, I followed myself to the hospital. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? That’s a shitload of fun actually, so long as you are in the mood for it. Mom wasn’t, but I was for some reason.
So far there has been a lot of crying. I never knew they all cared like that. Why couldn’t anyone say these things when I was alive? Well, technically I am still alive. I’m in a sort of coma from shock. They just told that to Mom as I was standing here next to her. Shock! Ha! That’s funny. I was never shocked as far as I could remember. That car scared the shit out of me. For good reason I guess. And a coma? This really sounds like a bad soap opera inside the already crappy romance novel. Don’t ask me though. I can’t change it! I just wish they would all stop crying. It’s so depressing and I feel guilty as fuck. But hey! I can’t do anything about this. It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault.
You know, when I was little, I always dreamed in class about being invisible. I would sort of leave my body in the classroom chair – so no one would know – and I would dance and fly around the room. I remember thinking about this back as far as second grade. I still do it now. Funny, now I have the real chance. I’m a ghost. No one can see me. I can go anywhere and do anything.
Then the technical things came to mind. Should I eat? Go to the bathroom? No, that’s silly. My body needs that. This is nothing. My body is made of cells and as long as it’s getting food and such – like I could see through the tubes and wires and IVs covering my body – and it’s breathing, then I’m good. Can I touch things though?
I reach over and try it while Mom is still talking to the doctor – like I am trying to make sure no one will notice – but I have to remember, they won’t. So I touch the wall. Weird, I can. The wall stucco is unmistakable and it’s cold. I can feel the air-conditioning. Can I move things? I poke a cart sitting outside room 86. It wiggles and I jump back. I hope no one noticed. I guess that makes sense. All the real ghost stories had tales of dishes flying off shelves, toilets flushing on their own and creaky footsteps. This is how they do it!
Oh shit, will I meet more ghosts? Man, all the weird things that come to mind at a time like this. I guess I will just have to wait and see. I’m not really dead yet though. Maybe not. I can feel my own body and I can see myself. I run into the bathroom and look in the mirror. No reflection. “It’s like a vampire!” I shout out loud. It echoes through the bathroom back to my ears, but the woman standing next to me takes no notice. She didn’t see me or hear me even one bit. That or she’s stupid, but I am pretty sure that I’m right.
You know what? Maybe this won’t be so bad. I tap her on the shoulder just to see if anything happens. If the cart can feel me, maybe she can. I tap and nothing happens. She doesn’t even flinch. Ha! Maybe no one can feel me! I poke her in the side. But, Opps! She jumps and turns around looking for someone with a confused look. Shit.
I clasp my hands across my face startled, but when she doesn’t see anything, she shrugs it off and goes back to the mirror, prepping some more to the face that already has enough makeup on it to rival Gerard Way and Frank Iero’s – and believe me, it’s not the least bit sexy. And she certainly ain’t on a stage with a guitar or mic in hand.
Then it occurs to me; I can do anything I want. This is awesome. This is the type of thing that I used to dream about in the middle of class. I could sit here and poke her all day and send her to the nut house if I wanted to. And I would never get caught!
It amazed me how calm I was about this. I thought that I would freak out if anything of this sort really happened, but right now, it suddenly seemed possible. It had to be because it was standing right in front of me. But I remembered my mom. I ran back down the hall to where “I” had been. I guess I should say “where my body had been.” Uh, I shake. That just sounds horrible. I’m not even dead yet.
He ran right past me with a face like he was in hell. “What a nerve,” I was thinking, “dented his car or something stupid,” so I look behind me and see the weirdest thing. There I am on the ground. There’s a lot of blood. Man. I can actually see myself. It was so fucking unbelievable, yet at the same time, it hit me so matter-of-factly exactly what was going on. It was so clear. I stumbled over to this leaf here and just sort of fell down. The leaf’s been good to me over these past ten minutes.
So here I am now, this is where I start. I look over and the ambulance is there. I look at my mom, my sisters and my brothers. I over-hear talk. It really doesn’t make any sense though. How can I still be alive when I was so sure I was a ghost? I believe in ghosts.
I never had a religion, but I believed in ghosts and have since I was in elementary school. I taught myself with all the books in the library about real interactions with ghosts and paranormal activities. They were the only thing of interest in that library. I have always had a love for scary stuff – you know, that’s why I love horror movies so much probably. Also because my Mom was the one who introduced me and my siblings to Rob Zombie, Night Gallery and the Twilight Zone. I started early on. Roller coasters too.
Well, I guess I would have to believe in ghosts now if I am one. I smile at that. And I’ll have to get used to all that scary stuff if I’m not already. I wonder how I can take all of this so calmly. You know, this feels pretty good. Like I just had a glass of wine and I’m relaxed. That’s why. I should be freaking out, but I can’t find a reason to.
After that, I followed myself to the hospital. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? That’s a shitload of fun actually, so long as you are in the mood for it. Mom wasn’t, but I was for some reason.
So far there has been a lot of crying. I never knew they all cared like that. Why couldn’t anyone say these things when I was alive? Well, technically I am still alive. I’m in a sort of coma from shock. They just told that to Mom as I was standing here next to her. Shock! Ha! That’s funny. I was never shocked as far as I could remember. That car scared the shit out of me. For good reason I guess. And a coma? This really sounds like a bad soap opera inside the already crappy romance novel. Don’t ask me though. I can’t change it! I just wish they would all stop crying. It’s so depressing and I feel guilty as fuck. But hey! I can’t do anything about this. It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault.
You know, when I was little, I always dreamed in class about being invisible. I would sort of leave my body in the classroom chair – so no one would know – and I would dance and fly around the room. I remember thinking about this back as far as second grade. I still do it now. Funny, now I have the real chance. I’m a ghost. No one can see me. I can go anywhere and do anything.
Then the technical things came to mind. Should I eat? Go to the bathroom? No, that’s silly. My body needs that. This is nothing. My body is made of cells and as long as it’s getting food and such – like I could see through the tubes and wires and IVs covering my body – and it’s breathing, then I’m good. Can I touch things though?
I reach over and try it while Mom is still talking to the doctor – like I am trying to make sure no one will notice – but I have to remember, they won’t. So I touch the wall. Weird, I can. The wall stucco is unmistakable and it’s cold. I can feel the air-conditioning. Can I move things? I poke a cart sitting outside room 86. It wiggles and I jump back. I hope no one noticed. I guess that makes sense. All the real ghost stories had tales of dishes flying off shelves, toilets flushing on their own and creaky footsteps. This is how they do it!
Oh shit, will I meet more ghosts? Man, all the weird things that come to mind at a time like this. I guess I will just have to wait and see. I’m not really dead yet though. Maybe not. I can feel my own body and I can see myself. I run into the bathroom and look in the mirror. No reflection. “It’s like a vampire!” I shout out loud. It echoes through the bathroom back to my ears, but the woman standing next to me takes no notice. She didn’t see me or hear me even one bit. That or she’s stupid, but I am pretty sure that I’m right.
You know what? Maybe this won’t be so bad. I tap her on the shoulder just to see if anything happens. If the cart can feel me, maybe she can. I tap and nothing happens. She doesn’t even flinch. Ha! Maybe no one can feel me! I poke her in the side. But, Opps! She jumps and turns around looking for someone with a confused look. Shit.
I clasp my hands across my face startled, but when she doesn’t see anything, she shrugs it off and goes back to the mirror, prepping some more to the face that already has enough makeup on it to rival Gerard Way and Frank Iero’s – and believe me, it’s not the least bit sexy. And she certainly ain’t on a stage with a guitar or mic in hand.
Then it occurs to me; I can do anything I want. This is awesome. This is the type of thing that I used to dream about in the middle of class. I could sit here and poke her all day and send her to the nut house if I wanted to. And I would never get caught!
It amazed me how calm I was about this. I thought that I would freak out if anything of this sort really happened, but right now, it suddenly seemed possible. It had to be because it was standing right in front of me. But I remembered my mom. I ran back down the hall to where “I” had been. I guess I should say “where my body had been.” Uh, I shake. That just sounds horrible. I’m not even dead yet.