Rumored Nights

The day Alice woke up to was laced with the music of rain splattering on the window.

It was clearly colder than before, but Alice was warm under the comforter on Mike's bed.

In the gray light of day she saw the somewhat neat room she had spent the night in, getting better sleep then she'd had in a long time.

It took much self control to disrupt the comfort and warmth she'd created to untangle her phone from her clothes.

Half past noon and the apartment was silent, her phone not even one to disturb it, leaving seven missed calls instead.

Alice replaced her phone unchecked and crawled out of bed, taking in the apartment in the light and how different it was.

Mike looked fast asleep and content curled under a thick blanket on a worn couch as she entered.

Not wanting to wake him, she tiptoed to the door thinking she'd been quiet.

"Leaving without a goodbye?" Mike asked sleepily, rubbing her eyes.

Alice smiled. "I didn't want to wake you."

He waved off her explanation with an eye roll, glancing at the clock on top of the TV.

"Wow we slept late." He laughed, ruffling his hair. "Do you want anything to eat?"

Alice was thankful he hadn't woken up earlier to hear her stomach growl an early reply.

"Food sounds good." She nodded, slipping off the jacket she'd just put on.

Soon the apartment was filled with the smell of coffee and food, a combination of waffles and lo mien due to Mike's inability to choose between two meals, and a failed attempt at brunch that left Alice giggling.

While munching on a strawberry Eggo, Alice took in the apartment once more, causing Mike to notice.

"Taking in the ambiance?" He asked, Chinese take out in his hand.

Alice shrugged. "It's just cleaner than I'd think. I mean, I know guys, I've lived with one, not exactly the cleanest species."

Mike grinned, slurping a noodle. "Thank Melanie for that, and my sister. They come over so much that if it wasn't clean they'd strangle me with a dirty shirt."

Laughing at the panicked eyes across from her, Alice could only shake her head with the mental image.

Not long after Alice sat next to Mike in his car on the way to drop her off.

Despite the cold the windows were down, blowing their hair and the loudly blasting music out in the wind.

The time she'd spent with Mike had been her best spent hours in days, and she'd known him only slightly longer than that.

"I don't want to say this was fun but..." Alice trailer off, not knowing the correct words as they say idling in her driveway.

"I know what you're trying to say, I think." He nodded, breaking out in an infectious grin to ward off the awkward and cliché.

She smiled. "I'm glad I have you as a friend Mike."

"Me too." He agreed, quickly scrawling something on a napkin. "Here's my number in case you want to hang out again, or just to talk."

Taking the paper in her hand, Alice tore off half and followed suit, handing him her number as well.

"Same goes fro me." She murmured, unbuckling.

With a few words of goodbye she hugged Mike and got out.

As his car disappeared down the road, silver on gray, Alice turned to face her house, feeling as if she needed courage to enter it.

Only silence greeted her, if for a moment, before the sounds of the settled around her.

Giggling.

From the kitchen Hailey came running. flour spattering her face and oversized apron.

"Ally!" She squealed, launching herself into Alice's arms.

Her bubbly enthusiasm was contrasted against her mother's cold silence as she stood in the doorway with her arms crossed.

"Hailey, why don't you go check on the cookies?" She asked soft and placating.

At the mention of cookies the small girl quickly clamored down to the ground, disappearing around the corner.

Silence ensued, neither mother nor daughter moving.

"Where have you been?" Her mother finally asked in a voice heavy with authority.

Alice dropped her bag by the door but didn't move much closer to her mother.

"I spent the night at a friend's place."

She rose an eyebrow. "You mean the one that just dropped you off? That boy?"

Alice nodded in a small gesture. "Yeah, but nothing happened! We just stayed up talking and then it was late and he asked me if I wanted to stay over, so I did."

Sighing, her mother pinched her brow.

"Mom why are you getting so worked up?" Alice asked, feeling the tension rolling off her mother's shoulders.

Moving slowly, she opened her eyes and looked at Alice. "Because my daughter was out all night with a boy I didn't know and didn't once think about calling home, that maybe her mother was scared stiff."

Underneath the cold authority she exuded, Alice could see the lingering traces of fear in her mother's eyes.

She could see her mother pacing where she stood last night, thinking the worst, that she had lost a husband and now possibly a daughter.

"Mom, you should trust that I'm not stupid enough to get hurt. I just went out with some friends, I don't see why you're so worried now." Alice murmured gently, pleading.

For a few moments she was silent, and Alice wondered if she had said the right thing, but instead had turned out to be the wrong.

"Worried now? I am your mother Alice, I worry all the time, I'm always thinking of you."

She wanted to roll her eyes at her mother's statement, thinking of all the other times her mother surely must've been thinking of her.

"Of course mom, of course! You were thinking of me after dad died, when Ryan had to worry about me, Caroline, and you, his always crying, always burying herself in work mother. You were thinking of all of us when you married Luke, surely worrying about how your kids felt about him. And you've been worrying all week about me since I've been out till three a.m. every night! Surely you've noticed that!"

Alice had gone from sarcastic to livid, years of frustration building up.

"I'm sure you cared every night you spent working late at the bakery, always too busy to make dinner or see a recital. Have you ever once thanked Ryan for being what you couldn't? For being our mother, father, and brother? Making the sacrifices he shouldn't have had to just because you couldn't deal with them?"

When the red had gone from Alice's unwavering gaze, she saw her mother looking frail, standing in the doorway with tearing eyes.

None of them had ever mentioned those years, knowing their mother's faults but never voicing them till now.

The look in her mother's eyes, knowing defeat and shame, a combination of failure that had surely been eating away at her for years.

Even so, Alice couldn't find the words to say sorry for all the things she said.

Turning her back on her mother she grabbed her bag and ran up the stairs to her room where the tears built till she locked the door behind her.

Never had she felt this guilty for something she'd done, so immobilized by it.

With a shaking hand Alice retrieved her phone and dialed the first number she could think of.

It rang once, twice, before a sleepy voice answered.

"Hello?"

Alice's reply came in a whisper. "Ryan?"

And then she broke out in sobs.

After a couple of minutes she managed to choke out an explanation of what had happened.

"Alice? Alice stop beating yourself up over it."

"But I was so horrible!" She hiccupped in tears.

Ryan sighed. "I told her the same thing when I left for college Alice. If anything you're just making one of my mistakes."

When she didn't reply he continued. "I've made a lot of them, like getting mad at you for getting drunk. Caroline called again to bite my head off and made me realize I can't keep you from not making mistakes, you have to live your own life. I'm sorry for that, for what I said."

The words that had fallen from her lips with such fury had disappeared, leaving Alice speechless.

"Alice?"

"Yeah... yeah sorry... thank you Ry, I needed to hear that. I've missed you." She whispered softly, curled up under the covers as she always was when she was sad.

"I've missed you too. I've been worried sick about you but after what I said I didn't think you'd talk to me." He laughed relieved.

"How about I come up and visit next week? It is Thanksgiving, and I wasn't going to do anything but maybe I can get Caroline and we can make it a family event."

Alice smiled, something she didn't think she'd do for some time. "I'd love that."

Ryan grinned, though she couldn't see it. "Great. Now, I want you to hang up and go downstairs to mom. Apologize for both of us okay? Tell her about next week."

Alice agreed, feeling her heart stitching itself back together already.

"I love you big brother."

He laughed. "I love you too little sister."

The phone that Alice had been avoiding all day felt lighter in her hand as she wiped away the still lingering tears on her face, cold and damp on her cheek.

With steady breaths she left her room and descended the stairs, almost cautious to enter the living room.

Her mother sat alone on the couch, unmoving from where she was, staring off into space.

In the midday light Alice could see th twinkle of tears reflecting in the sun.

"Mom?" Alice whispered, barely peeking her head in.

In a dreamlike state her mother turned her head slowly toward her voice.

No emotion was reflected on her face, but she reached over and patted the spot on the couch next to her, signaling to Alice.

Hesitantly she walked forward to the couch, folding her knees against her chest.

Her far off stare returned, her mother looking back out the window overlooking their quaint suburban home.

"Your dad and I met in college, in the library. I was reading a book when he asked me out. He would've gotten us kicked out with his stubbornness if I hadn't agreed. Two months later we were engaged and a year later we had Ryan."

Alice knew this story, remembering the times her parents would recount it, that puppy love twinkle in both their eyes.

"When... when your father died..." Her mother's voice broke off into a shattered whisper. "I unraveled."

Her far off stare wavered, turning back to Alice with refilled eyes.

"I'm so sorry honey... for never being there like I should've." She murmured softly.

Alice shook her head. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those awful things to you. I didn't mean them."

Shaking her head as if to put her off, her mother replied. "No honey, you were right about it, so was Ryan. When your father died it shook me so hard I couldn't do anything, like be the mother I should've been. You were hurting too and I wasn't there."

Alice wanted so desperately to cut her off, saying she understood, that she shouldn't blame herself, but her mother shook her head again, continuing.

"And then when I married Luke all I was thinking of was trying to make up for my mistakes, to give you three the father I thought you needed. I was lonely too, and he didn't run off because I had kids... I needed him as much as I thought you did." She explained, the hope that Alice understood etched in her features.

"We didn't need him Mom, we were just happy you were smiling again. Singing even. And I shouldn't have said all those things... I was just angry and stressed and its just been building up."

That's when her eyes softened toward her daughter.

"Honey what's been going on? With you, with Caroline, with Ryan, and even William?" She asked, imploring with that worried stare only a mother has.

She shrugged. "William and I had kind of a falling out and I was stupid and then Ryan got into it and got mad at me, and Caroline got in the middle of that and got mad at Ryan. She said she'd only stayed so long because she was worried about me..."

Telling her mother all of that, even in the simplest of explanations, made her feel better than before.

Telling a friend is one thing, even a brother helps more, but nothing is quite like the bond of a mother and daughter.

It was clear on her expression how worried her mother still was about her youngest daughter, so Alice continued, with good news this time.

"But it's okay now. I just talked to Ryan and he said he'd come down for Thanksgiving next week and bring Caroline and we can be together as a family for it." She explained smiling for the first time.

Her mother smiled as well, through the few trails of tears still shining in the sun.

"That'll be so perfect. All of us together..." She murmured, wrapping her arm around her daughter.

Alice sighed and embraced her mother, happy to have at least her family problems sorted out if nothing else.