Shameless

When I got back to the motel it was around 3 a.m, slighting intoxicated. I tried to make as little noise as possible while skipping every other stair on my way to the room. When I opened the door, I expected to see Alex sprawled out on the couch, sleeping peacefully.

Obviously, that wasn't what I saw.

The second I stepped into the room, a light flickered on. Alex was sitting on the bed with his legs crossed and his lip pouted. He looked like a disappointed three year old.

"Where have you been, young lady?" He said in his most uptight voice.

"Alex, you're not going to believe what happened today." I jumped onto the bed, a large smile on my face as I kicked off my converse.

"What? You find a nice hooker and have a good time?" He joked, letting out a small laugh.

"Nope but close." I giggled a little bit from excitement. "I got signed!" I shouted happily. I jumped into Alex's arms in a fit of laughter and happiness. When I pulled away from him, his face didn't share the same excitement I did.

"Signed? By who?" He asked as his brow furrowed.

"Fueled By Ramen. When I was out with Scott getting your merch, Pete called me and asked for a meeting. Ends up he wanted to sign me to the record label! Isn't this great! Oh and you're not going to believe what else! I'm already signed up for a tour!" My face was bright red as I shouted this and my voice slightly rose in pitch as the words continued.

Alex didn't have any expression. He just sat there, looking like he was in a state of shock.

"April... a tour? Already? I really don't like that idea..." Alex mumbled quietly. A small silence fell between us until I could finally formulate words to respond to that.

"Why they hell would you not? I'm going on tour, Alex! I'm going be famous! I'm going on tour with Fall Out Boy and Cobra Starship and The Academy-"

"Is that why you're doing this? For fame? Fame isn't everything, April." Alex was suddenly angry and this was startling to me because I had never seen him this angry before. Especially at me.

"What? Of course not! I want to do what I love and this is exactly what I've always dreamed of-"

"What about us?" He shouted, cutting me off.

"What about you?" I said and only a second later regretted saying it.

"Oh! I see how it is, April. You're just going to be like all the rest! You're going to go on stage and think you're so cool because your famous! Because you got your fame handed to you rather then working for it like we did!" His shouts became louder and louder.

"Alex, that's-"

"You're going to forget all about us 'little people' because you're going to start thinking your way to good for us!" A vain popped out in his forehead as his face grew red.

I couldn't stop a few tears from streaming down my face. This was Alex, who I thought was my best friend, telling me how fake I was going to become.

"That's... that's not true! I'm not going to forget about you!" I shouted. He ignored me.

"I'm just going to be that guy in that band that never really mattered to you! You're going to find someone more talented and more famous and someone who also had their fame handed to them on a silver platter! Why? Because it's easy! April, I never thought you'd be so selfish-"

"I'm not being selfish! You're just making me sound that way!" Alex suddenly fell to a silence. He finally noticed I was crying and crawled a little bit closer to me on the bed. He started into my eyes for a brief moment before placing his hand on my cheek and whipping my tears away. "Alex, why are you saying these things? Why are you acting like this?" I somehow choked out behind the held back tears.

Alex looked down into his lap as his, running one of his hands through his hair. He then looked up at me with those beautiful chocolate eyes and placed his hands on my hips.

"April. I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of that... I... I guess what I'm really trying to say is... I don't want you to leave." Right as he said that, I opened my mouth to start shouting at him again but before I could he placed his hand over my mouth. My skin tingled as his touched mine. "I don't want you to leave... me. I... I can't do this without you April... You're my inspiration."

My heart stopped in place. These were the words I had always wanted to hear but kept myself from thinking about. After a few seconds my heart began to pound. I looked up at Alex. His eyes were set on me and just by looking at them I could tell that what he was saying was true.

After another few seconds, he looked away, blushing intensely.

"Uh. I'm sorry. I mean, it's just that-"
"Alex?"
"Yes?"
"Shut the hell up." and in that instance, I did the one thing I had been secretly wanting to for a very long time.

I pulled Alex's face close to mine and sealed the space between our lips. At first, he was surprised but after a few seconds he began kissing back. Our kisses became deeper and deeper until both of us fell sideways on the bed. He rolled on top of me and kissed me deeper. I could tell he really wanted this.

He stopped kissing me for a moment and looked down at me with the biggest smile I have ever seen. Before he could do anything, I pushed him over and got on top of him and began kissing him intensely, slipping my tongue into his mouth but pulling it out quickly, just to tease him. I could feel him smile between the kiss.

As time went on, clothes came off. My mind was caught up in a mixture of emotion. I wasn't sure if this was the right thing to do but I sure as hell knew it was what we wanted.

We stopped for a short moment, under the covers, naked. He reached over and brushed the hair out of my faced and kissed me lightly on my nose. I giggled and he smiled. Then, we only looked at each other, unsure of what the next move would be.

"April, I don't want to do this if you don't want to." He said quietly as he pulled me closer and held me tight. I knew exactly what he was talking about and I knew how badly he wanted it.

At that moment, I really had no idea what was going on. I was still slightly drunk from earlier but not sober enough to decide if this was a good idea or not. Either way, my mind was made up.

"Alex, I want this." I said, smiling as our lips interlocked for a moment before he rolled over to put a condom on.

What happened next was one of the most beautiful, wonderful things that ever happened to me. I enjoyed every second but as I slowly started sobering up, I started thinking about what this really was to him. I quickly pushed the thoughts out of my mind and enjoyed the moment. Every moment.

--

When I woke up the next morning, held tightly in Alex's arms, butt naked, I was suddenly filled with regret.

'What did I do? Did I fuck my best friend? Did I fuck Alex!?'

I fell into a panic and jumped out of bed without waking him up, threw on some clothes and packed a small bag of clothes.

'I just fucked up. I did something I shouldn't have. Alex doesn't feel for me like I wish he did. I don't even know if I feel that way of about him! I need to get out of here before he wakes up. I don't want to deal with what I think this has become again. Alex is a ladies man and I'm just a lady.'

My mind was racing and my body was trembling as I walked out of the motel room. I pulled my hood over my head and called a cab. It was pouring outside. I didn't know where I was going to go or what I was going to do. I just needed to get away from this place to think.

'Was it a pity fuck? A fuck to keep me around?'

As I sat in the cab, I began silently sobbing. I couldn't help it. I didn't like how things worked out. I knew I had feelings for Alex but I was pretty sure he didn't feel the same way. He's Alex fucking Gaskarth! Ladies man of the year!

My face fell into my palms as tears began flowing down my cheeks.

'What if he did feel the same way about me? I just left him! And why? Because I was scared. Scared of getting used. Again. I can't get anything right.'

"I'm such an idiot." I mumbled quietly to myself, between sobs.

"Excuse me?" The taxi driver said in a slightly louder voice. It was obvious that I dragged him out of bed and he didn't really get much sleep the night before.

"It's nothing." I lied.

"So where are we going again?"

I sat quietly for a second, knowing I had to make up my mind quickly.

"The Pyramid Hotel." I said clearly but directly after was unsure if this decision was right.