My Tongue is Tied to a Dream of Being with You

So I’ll admit, since last year I’d pretty much scoured the whole house in search of the tapes. Tania was a good secret-keeper, and didn’t give anything away. I’d become quite impatient, but can you really blame me? Only ever hearing from your mom once every year, knowing that even though she’s speaking to me she has no idea of anything that’s happened in the past few years, never knowing which one might be the last, has a tendency to make you a little fed up with waiting. Anyway, I had no success in my several search missions, but I think I’ve learnt now. If I found them and watched them all, then they’d all be over and I’d never see anything new. That thought scares me. Even though I know she’s dead, and she’s not coming back, I still have the chance to hear from her once every twelve months. I guess that’s the best that I’ve got.

“Eleven! Eleven! Sweetie you’re eleven!
That’s four years more than seven!
Eleven! Eleven!
My daughter looks like heaven!
Eleven! Eleven…
Okay, I’m sorry love. I told you I’m not good with words, but there’s the song I came up with about five seconds ago…”

I couldn’t help but laugh a little at my mom’s attempt at rhyming, and judging from Tania’s slight shaking next to me, neither could she. I realized that mom was wearing different clothes to the ones she’d worn for the last three videos. Instead of the white summer dress and black jewelry, she was dressed in tight dark blue jeans and a flowy green top with shadowy patterns, wearing glittery ear-phones around her neck as a necklace. I always thought my mom was beautiful, but she insisted that I was the beautiful one. That was years ago. I was young, and of course that was exactly what I liked to hear. Now, Tania just tells me that I look a lot like my mom. I can kind of see it… I think… I don’t have her green-grey eyes though. Instead of sparkling emeralds, my eyes resemble chocolate mud cake. I guess I could think of worse comparisons, but still.

“My love, your charm this year is embedded with a sapphire because that’s both of our birthstone. Eleven… in a few more years you’ll be ready. In a few more years I can tell you everything. But for now I just need to wish you a very happy birthday. Even now, you are the most important thing in my world. You’re the most important thing in Tania’s world. She may have to be a bit harder on you in the coming years, but try not to say things you don’t mean or do things irrationally. She loves you and is only doing the best for you. I completely entrusted her with raising you because of how much I know she loves you and how much I trust her in general. Thank her again for me, and give her a massively massive hug from me.”

Of course, Tania engulfed me in one of her famous hugs. I loved it when she hugged me, because I felt protected from the rest of the world. I felt like the luckiest girl alive because I knew she really cared about me, and wouldn’t let anything happen to me. I forgot that my mother died years ago. I forgot that I never had a father. I forgot that I lived in a small but comfy apartment with my guardian who I was pretty sure was running out of money and not telling me. I forgot that I didn’t know who my real friends at school were. I forgot everything when I was caught in one of those simple hugs, and everything was alright. I loved Tania. I loved her just as much as I loved my mom, but of course in a different way.

“So happy birthday, my little cookie.”

I giggled. I hadn’t heard her call me that since she was alive. It was hers and Tania’s special nickname for me. For whatever crazy reason, their nicknames for each other were ‘muffin’ and ‘cupcake’. For some reason they thought I needed one to match. I like it. It has a story behind it… sort of.

“Look after yourself and Cupcake this year. I love you.”

She blew a kiss to the camera and soon enough the tape was over. I always felt happy after watching the videos, but the next day I’d feel sad and start counting down the days till my next birthday. As Tania got the video out of the recorder, for the first time I caught a glimpse at what the permanent marker on the white label said.
It read;

‘Violet to Tamilyn – 4’

For some reason, seeing my mom’s name next to mine made me happy. I don’t think I’ve seen her name written anywhere for years. Tania makes an effort to get to the mail before me every morning. I think she’s afraid it’ll set me off crying, but it doesn’t. Violet. It’s such a pretty name. A flower’s name; Violet Rose. My middle name is Lily, so I guess I have a half-flower name. Tamilyn Lily Rose.

But what’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet…

But does a dead flower still give off its perfume? Perhaps only its leftover petals can fabricate smiles.