My Tongue is Tied to a Dream of Being with You

“Twelve. That is just… unbelievable to me. It’s been twelve years since… everything.”

Anyone would have noticed her brief hesitance. I suppose she was re-living a memory. Tears glistened in her eyes as she continued, but she still smiled and pretended they didn’t exist.

“Happy birthday. You’re growing up, my love. They say that seeing is believing, but where I’m going, I don’t know if I’ll be able to see you when you receive this message. You know that I’m not exactly the perfect Christian that your great-grandfather always wanted me to be. I may not believe in the bible, or that going to church makes you a better person, but I do believe that there’s some sort of God out there. I hope that in whatever form this God may take, he is watching over you for me right now. So for your charm; a cross. You don’t have to believe in Christianity to wear a cross. I didn’t. It can instead represent your wishing and hoping to a higher power. I don’t know. To be honest, it’s the only way I could think of to represent that sort of hope.”

I smiled. I liked that way of looking at it. That’s just the sort of person that my mom was. She could see almost anything in the way that she felt it should be.

I was watching the video in the morning. After the first one, Tania and I had taken to watching them at night, saving them for a calmer time, but this year it was once again morning. Tania had a boyfriend now. His name was Daniel. He was tall with bronze-brown hair that swept across his face in the same side fringe that Tania had. He had dark blue eyes that sparkled whenever he looked at her, and he played the guitar and made the best choc-chip cookies in the world. No joke. He was fun and nice, always smiling, and he was completely accepting of my part in Tania’s life. Even though he was probably in his early thirties, he was like Tania and looked younger. He’s pretty much the only male figure I’ve ever had in my life, other than Cameron but Cameron’s my friend and it doesn’t really count. He would talk to me and play songs for me on his guitar. I liked him, and so, obviously, did Tania. They were pretty much perfect for each other.

Today, we watched it in the morning because Daniel was going to bring us to the beach. The beach was around forty-five minutes away, so we didn’t get to go very often. He and Tania had prepared lunch for us for when we got there, and I was excited. Right now, however, the most important thing to me was the television screen.

“So happy birthday, darling. Ask Tania…”

Mom drew in a shaky breath, and I knew that she had conflicting emotions on whatever she had to say next. I listened even more intently.

“Ask her to show you… Show you ‘Coppertone’. It’s a beautiful song by The Academy Is... and I… I want you to listen very carefully to the words.”

I knew immediately that I would. The last song that my mom had recommended was fascinating. I had no doubt that this would not be much different.

“They may seem strange for me to tell you to pay close attention to, and I'm most certainly not telling you to drink poison, but please hear it. Just listen. You’ll see. Goodbye, Tamilyn. Happy birthday.”

***

I ran along the shore of the beach, the water cooling my feet. I ran after Mollie, Daniel’s little fluffy white dog, who yapped in enjoyment as the ocean’s water lapped over her paws. Tania and Daniel walked ten meters behind us, holding hands and silhouetted against the bright purple and orange sky. The sunset had never looked more beautiful than it looked now. Daniel had gotten me two present today. I wasn’t expecting that. He gave me a decorative photo frame with a picture of my mom and I (I’m sure Tania must have helped him with that) and some old-school headphones. You know, the big chunky ones that you wear over your head? I loved them. Earphones were too much of a nuisance.

“Tamilyn!” I turned my head around to see Daniel and Tania beckoning me to go back to them.

“Come on Mollie!” I said, bending over to pick up the small dog. Her wet pink tongue licked my cheek affectionately and I giggled as I brought her back to the picnic rug, where Tania and Daniel were now kissing.

“Cut it out you two,” I said, dumping Mollie on Daniel’s lap and sitting next to Tania. They laughed a bit at me as Tania pulled three small Caesar salads out of the bag. I took the lid off mine and began shoveling it into my mouth with a plastic fork. I was finished before the others were even half done. Soon enough, Tania placed a small fruit salad in front of me, and my strawberries disappeared fast. Strawberries are by far the best fruit.

As the sky grew darker, I rested on Tania’s shoulder and my eyes began to droop. Mollie yawned and stretched before trotting around in a circle three times and slumping asleep on my lap. I absently stroked her soft white fur, my breathing seeming to resonate with hers. I love Mollie. I had never had a pet before this, and although Mollie’s not technically my pet, she still listens to me without judgement. Loyalty. That’s the best thing about pets.

“You nodding off there, sweetie?” Tania asked me, breaking her discussion with Daniel.

“A bit,” I admitted.

“I’m thinking it must be cake time!” Daniel grinned, reaching into the blue bag and pulled out a cake. Upon further inspection, I discovered that it was a basic cheesecake; the best kind of cake. My eyes lit up and Daniel stuck a candle in the middle of the cake before lighting it. The cool wind kept blowing it out, but he got the flame in the end.

“Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday dear Tamilyn,
Happy birthday to you!”

As they sung for me, I realized that this was my family. Of course, it’s not like I’d replace my mother with anyone, not even Tania, but families aren’t necessarily mother, father and child. My family now is Tania, Daniel, and Mollie. My mother will always be a part of my family, but the fact of the matter is she’s not there.

But that’s okay. I’m okay.