My Tongue is Tied to a Dream of Being with You

So guess what?

I get to be a bridesmaid!

Yes, that’s right. Daniel finally proposed to Tania, and they’re getting married! I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. I can’t actually describe how happy I am for them. I’ve always kind of felt like I was holding her back a bit from living a normal life. Who am I kidding, I knew I was. Not many people have to look after their best friend’s child from the young age of twenty-eight. That’s how old mom was when she died, and that’s how old Tania was when she became my legal guardian. I can’t put words to how thankful I am that she’s been there for me. I was only seven when it happened, so the details are a bit hazy, but I know that I must have reminded her at least a little bit of my mom. Appearance-wise, at least. But regardless of memories that I may have stirred, she stuck with me.

Anyway, the wedding is in two weeks. I can’t wait. I’ve never been to a wedding before. There are only two bridesmaids; myself and Tania’s friend Meghan. She was my mom’s friend too. Obviously, Tania had always planned for my mom to be there, if not in my place. Compromises are sometimes inevitable. I already have the pretty blue dress on a hanger in my cupboard. I’m so excited.

But of course, I was also excited for the video. This year, I let both Tania and Daniel watch it with me. They were pretty much my family now. Maybe not everyone's first idea when they hear the word 'family', but not everyone has been through what we have. I realized last year that I couldn't watch it alone. It didn't feel right. I'm glad I took the opportunity, but I'm just not ready to deal with this all by myself yet. Also, I'm fourteen now. I'm hoping that mom will trust me enough to be able to tell me some of these 'huge secrets'. I mean, it's probably not even anything that important, but I want to know just the same.

I took my seat on the white leather couch between Tania and Daniel, the glint off Tania's diamond ring catching my eye. My lips turned upwards in a small smile. Daniel was looking at me cautiously. I don't think he really knew what to expect. He knew that this was important to Tania and I, but I don't think he really felt like he belonged there. We wanted him there, though. This was a big part of our lives, mine especially, and so was he. He deserved to know what my mom was like. We did talk about her an awful lot, something which we never used to do but has now become routine.

"Are you sure about this, Tam?" Daniel asked worriedly.

"I'm sure," I nodded and turned my attention to the TV. Daniel turned off the lights and I pressed the play button on the remote.

"Tim Tam! How's my little cookie this year?"

Haha. What a first impression. Daniel's eyebrows had shot upwards and were hidden under his hair. But I could tell. I don't know if anyone else could tell, but looking into my mom's eyes, I knew that the bubbliness was just a cover up. Deeper down, she looked troubled. She was wearing different clothes again too. Black skirt and a grey and white striped shirt, with a random big pink bow pinned to the collar. Sure, why not?

"So your charm this year - hey! I just realized. What if you always watch these videos before getting the charm and I completely spoil your present for you? Oh my god, how have I never thought of that before?! Well, sweetie, I hope I don't ruin it, but if I usually do I want you to harass Tania right now for it so there's at least a bit of the element of surprise."

I laughed. She was fretting over nothing. I always got my charm first. But I loved to hear the stories behind them. I stole a glance at Daniel to see him staring at the television in awe. He was always so amazed by the idea of what my mom had done for me when she was dying, and now he was actually witnessing it.

"Okay, well I hope you have it now, if not pause this video right now. Yin-yang. Apart from the fact that it just looks harmonious and peaceful, it has all these deep, ancient Chinese meanings. Now I'm not going to go into all that, but basically some of the characteristics of Yin and Yang are that they are opposite, yet created as a part of one another. They transform each other, and they are balanced. The whole philosophy is centred around the earth, but it can be applied to most anything. My father, your grandfather, always found the whole concept fascinating. I feel that this charm represents a part of him, but also the idea of opening you up to new possibilities and new ways at viewing the world. You are still so young, my baby, and many things will happen to you that will shape who you become. I need you to always remember the basic lessons that I've been trying to teach you. The essentials."

Mom stopped for a moment and drew a few deep breaths. I waited patiently, wanting to absorb everything she was trying to convey to me.

"And as for a song this year, this band is never allowed to die! Don't let their music die! Um, this is actually another song that your father and I danced to. I know I never mentioned him before. I know you thought he was unimportant, but he wasn't. And I'm sorry for leaving you hanging like this. Maybe next year I'll tell you about him. But this song is amazing, and it's called 'Tonight, Tonight' by The Smashing Pumpkins. Best band name ever."

What? My father... This is becoming too much. Next year? Maybe? Now I feel like there are things that I should know...

"So happy birthday for another year, my darling. I suppose I should warn you now that these videos don't last forever. I'll have to let you go soon. There are three more, and I swear that my heart and soul is being poured into each and every one."

Tears were gently slipping down her face. She wasn't the only one.

"Goodbye for now, sweetie. I love you."

The screen went blank as Daniel turned it off. He was eying me carefully.

"You okay, Tam?"

"Yeah," I nodded after a moment.

Silence engulfed me. I couldn't even hear Daniel asking Tania if she was okay.

"So she liked the Pumpkins, huh?" Daniel smiled, in an attempt to lighten the mood. As much as I wanted to smile, it just didn't work. He sighed.

"She was really something, wasn't she?"

Tania and I nodded in silent agreement. Yes. Yes she was.