Afraid of What You'll Find
Discoverys.
4th September
Frank
It was the afternoon after that faithful night and I felt far from happy. The brightness in the sky and the twittering of birds hid the terrible things that had happened the night before. I woke up on the floor, my clothes crumpled and my head thumping with a headache. I walked slowly into the small kitchen, afraid of what I was going to see. I saw my father sitting on one of the hard wooden chairs at our dining table, staring up at the ceiling. He turned to look at me as I walked in.
“Where did it all go wrong, boy?” He said, his voice barely above a whisper.
“Where did what go wrong?” I asked stupidly. There was a pause that seemed to last forever before he answered.
“I know I was never the best Father to you, but I wish I tried harder in the past. I’m sorry, Frank. Goodbye.” and with that he stood up, picked a small suitcase up, put on his long jacket and walked out of the kitchen. I followed him out like a shadow. Mother ran down the stairs and began to scream at him.
“How could you do this to us? Did you ever love me? Why are you going?” She fired question after question at him. At the front door he turned and kissed my mother coldly on the lips, dropping her hands out of his. Mother didn’t scream. Mother didn’t protest. She just watched him walk out of our house. He stopped and turned to me.
“Look after your mother, Frank. I hope you find someone you love dearly and I hope you have a long and happy life. A happier life than I ever had. Just remember that things aren’t always how they seem.” I had no idea what he meant that day, but one day I would. He shut the door behind him silently and walked down the road and out of our lives. I backed away from the door, headed for the backdoor and into the garden. I buried my head into my hands and didn’t know whether to cry or curse, to scream or sob.
“Frank? Frank?” I heard a voice say. It was Gerard, talking from over the fence that separated our gardens.
“Yes, it’s me.” I said, holding back my tears and anger.
“Has anything bad happened?”
I didn’t answer.
“Frank, you know you can tell me anything, I’ll keep a secret, I promise.”
I sighed deeply and began to tell my story of what had happened. The story that I dreaded to think about.
Gerard
I would never forget what Frank told me that day.
“I’m so sorry. I really am.”
“It’s ok, I’ll get over it.” There was no trace of happiness or any other emotion except sadness in his voice. His voice was almost a monotone. I had never experienced anything in my life like that. I didn’t know whether my Father was an exception though.
“Anyway, why are you here? Any particular reason?” Frank asked.
“If I told you the real reason, would you tell anyone at all?”
“Of course not. Please tell me, I told you my secret.”
I contemplated this and then began my story. After I had finished, Frank said:
“Gerard, why didn’t you tell me this before?! This man could have killed you. Never mind what has happened to me, I’m worried about you and Mikey.”
I felt touched by Frank’s worried tone, it also seemed to get rid of the sadness in the atmosphere.
“I’ll get over it,” I said. “We can do this together.”
I found a small hole in the fence and squeezed my fingers through it. If I pushed my fingers through hard enough, I could feel Frank’s fingers. We stayed like this for a few minutes before I heard Mikey shouting.
“Gerard? Gerard? Come here you idiotic twit.”
“Oops, got to go,” I said.
“It’s ok, I’ll see you around.”
“I love you, Frank.”
Frank didn’t respond but I could sense he was smiling through the wooden fence.
“I love you too,” He said finally. I walked back into my house with a spring in my house, despite the depressing conversation we just had. I walked through the door but before I knew it I was pushed up against the bookcase by my neck by my own brother. I struggled but it was no use. Mikey was way taller and I was being strangled by him.
“What were you doing with him?!” Mikey demanded.
“Who?” I asked, wriggling.
“You know who. That Iero scum.”
“He is not scum!” I shouted.
“I know that he is trying to have sex with you. He is nothing but desperate and twisted in the head. He is but scum to me! And worst of all, you love each other!”
“I don’t love him! I swear I don’t!” I denied.
“What will people think of you?! What will people think of me?!” Mikey screamed in my face, spitting deliberately as he did so. “Mikey Way: The brother of that queer guy. People will think that I’m queer too! And you know how much I hate queers. You’re not even my brother anymore.”
“All you think about is yourself! And no, I’m not queer. I know for a fact that I am not queer!” I yelled. Mikey loosened his grip on me and turned away, looked back at me, and then walked silently up to our bedroom. I stood alone quietly for a few minutes before I realised that I was ashamed of being in love with Frank.
19th September 1939
Frank
It was just over two weeks after the horrific bombing. There had been two other nights just like that one and Mother no longer let me go out, even in the day time. I hadn’t spoken to Gerard nor Lorna for two weeks and it was driving me crazy. Not that I missed Lorna, but because of Gerard. I missed him dearly and it was tearing me apart. I hoped that he was missing me just as much and I thought about him nearly all the time. I woke up that morning and went downstairs to collect the morning post. The night before had been clear for once but we were always prepared. Me and Mother had an Anderson Shelter in the garden simply packed to the brim with food and drink and our windows had been blacked out so the German bombers couldn’t see our lights. I picked up the post and put it on the table. I poured myself a glass of water and sat at the table. Mother came down the stairs and began to open the post. She came to one letter where she gasped in horror and her eyes began to water.
“What is it, Mother?” I asked, alarmed.
“Sit down, Frank. There’s something I need to tell you,” She said quietly. I sat down obediently as she did and looked at her closely. She put her head in her hands and said:
“Frank, your being sent to the countryside. I can’t come with you. You’re being sent there alone except for some people from our neighbourhood. You’ll be much safer for you there and you’ll have fun.” she smiled weakly. I looked at her in disbelief before screaming. I screamed and screamed until my lungs felt as if they would burst and my eyes went a fire red. Mother held me and whispered sweet nothings into my ear. In my anger, I drifted to sleep, but was still haunted by the idea of leaving my Mother to fend for herself and going back on my promise to Father. My screams turned into whimpers before I fell silent. I felt utterly defeated and a traitor. What was going to happen?
Frank
It was the afternoon after that faithful night and I felt far from happy. The brightness in the sky and the twittering of birds hid the terrible things that had happened the night before. I woke up on the floor, my clothes crumpled and my head thumping with a headache. I walked slowly into the small kitchen, afraid of what I was going to see. I saw my father sitting on one of the hard wooden chairs at our dining table, staring up at the ceiling. He turned to look at me as I walked in.
“Where did it all go wrong, boy?” He said, his voice barely above a whisper.
“Where did what go wrong?” I asked stupidly. There was a pause that seemed to last forever before he answered.
“I know I was never the best Father to you, but I wish I tried harder in the past. I’m sorry, Frank. Goodbye.” and with that he stood up, picked a small suitcase up, put on his long jacket and walked out of the kitchen. I followed him out like a shadow. Mother ran down the stairs and began to scream at him.
“How could you do this to us? Did you ever love me? Why are you going?” She fired question after question at him. At the front door he turned and kissed my mother coldly on the lips, dropping her hands out of his. Mother didn’t scream. Mother didn’t protest. She just watched him walk out of our house. He stopped and turned to me.
“Look after your mother, Frank. I hope you find someone you love dearly and I hope you have a long and happy life. A happier life than I ever had. Just remember that things aren’t always how they seem.” I had no idea what he meant that day, but one day I would. He shut the door behind him silently and walked down the road and out of our lives. I backed away from the door, headed for the backdoor and into the garden. I buried my head into my hands and didn’t know whether to cry or curse, to scream or sob.
“Frank? Frank?” I heard a voice say. It was Gerard, talking from over the fence that separated our gardens.
“Yes, it’s me.” I said, holding back my tears and anger.
“Has anything bad happened?”
I didn’t answer.
“Frank, you know you can tell me anything, I’ll keep a secret, I promise.”
I sighed deeply and began to tell my story of what had happened. The story that I dreaded to think about.
Gerard
I would never forget what Frank told me that day.
“I’m so sorry. I really am.”
“It’s ok, I’ll get over it.” There was no trace of happiness or any other emotion except sadness in his voice. His voice was almost a monotone. I had never experienced anything in my life like that. I didn’t know whether my Father was an exception though.
“Anyway, why are you here? Any particular reason?” Frank asked.
“If I told you the real reason, would you tell anyone at all?”
“Of course not. Please tell me, I told you my secret.”
I contemplated this and then began my story. After I had finished, Frank said:
“Gerard, why didn’t you tell me this before?! This man could have killed you. Never mind what has happened to me, I’m worried about you and Mikey.”
I felt touched by Frank’s worried tone, it also seemed to get rid of the sadness in the atmosphere.
“I’ll get over it,” I said. “We can do this together.”
I found a small hole in the fence and squeezed my fingers through it. If I pushed my fingers through hard enough, I could feel Frank’s fingers. We stayed like this for a few minutes before I heard Mikey shouting.
“Gerard? Gerard? Come here you idiotic twit.”
“Oops, got to go,” I said.
“It’s ok, I’ll see you around.”
“I love you, Frank.”
Frank didn’t respond but I could sense he was smiling through the wooden fence.
“I love you too,” He said finally. I walked back into my house with a spring in my house, despite the depressing conversation we just had. I walked through the door but before I knew it I was pushed up against the bookcase by my neck by my own brother. I struggled but it was no use. Mikey was way taller and I was being strangled by him.
“What were you doing with him?!” Mikey demanded.
“Who?” I asked, wriggling.
“You know who. That Iero scum.”
“He is not scum!” I shouted.
“I know that he is trying to have sex with you. He is nothing but desperate and twisted in the head. He is but scum to me! And worst of all, you love each other!”
“I don’t love him! I swear I don’t!” I denied.
“What will people think of you?! What will people think of me?!” Mikey screamed in my face, spitting deliberately as he did so. “Mikey Way: The brother of that queer guy. People will think that I’m queer too! And you know how much I hate queers. You’re not even my brother anymore.”
“All you think about is yourself! And no, I’m not queer. I know for a fact that I am not queer!” I yelled. Mikey loosened his grip on me and turned away, looked back at me, and then walked silently up to our bedroom. I stood alone quietly for a few minutes before I realised that I was ashamed of being in love with Frank.
19th September 1939
Frank
It was just over two weeks after the horrific bombing. There had been two other nights just like that one and Mother no longer let me go out, even in the day time. I hadn’t spoken to Gerard nor Lorna for two weeks and it was driving me crazy. Not that I missed Lorna, but because of Gerard. I missed him dearly and it was tearing me apart. I hoped that he was missing me just as much and I thought about him nearly all the time. I woke up that morning and went downstairs to collect the morning post. The night before had been clear for once but we were always prepared. Me and Mother had an Anderson Shelter in the garden simply packed to the brim with food and drink and our windows had been blacked out so the German bombers couldn’t see our lights. I picked up the post and put it on the table. I poured myself a glass of water and sat at the table. Mother came down the stairs and began to open the post. She came to one letter where she gasped in horror and her eyes began to water.
“What is it, Mother?” I asked, alarmed.
“Sit down, Frank. There’s something I need to tell you,” She said quietly. I sat down obediently as she did and looked at her closely. She put her head in her hands and said:
“Frank, your being sent to the countryside. I can’t come with you. You’re being sent there alone except for some people from our neighbourhood. You’ll be much safer for you there and you’ll have fun.” she smiled weakly. I looked at her in disbelief before screaming. I screamed and screamed until my lungs felt as if they would burst and my eyes went a fire red. Mother held me and whispered sweet nothings into my ear. In my anger, I drifted to sleep, but was still haunted by the idea of leaving my Mother to fend for herself and going back on my promise to Father. My screams turned into whimpers before I fell silent. I felt utterly defeated and a traitor. What was going to happen?