Turn The Other Way

I cut off the engine and just sat in my car, not bothering to get out.

I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

The whole way home those words just echoed in my mind.

“Everything was clear, except your blood tests. They read you have an abnormal CA-125 reading.”

“Well, what does that mean?”

“CA-125 is a substance found in some tissues and the ovaries that could mean a sign of cancer.”

“So… I may have cancer?”

“Yes. I think you may have Ovarian Cancer. I did that pelvic exam earlier, and that’s why, but there’s no sure telling unless we get some cells from your ovaries to be sure.”

“Wh-what if I do have it? Then what?”

“You can go through chemotherapy or radiation, depending on the stage.”

“And if those don’t work?”

“Surgery.”

Needless to say, I was scared shitless. I may have cancer and I’m not even in my fifties yet. Isn’t cancer for old people? I’m not old!

Sitting there in my car, I let it all out. All the fear and paralyzing pain form the scare of having cancer and dying, to the loss of Matt. I was never going to get him back. I miss him. Yes, I actually miss him. He’s moved on my now, I’m sure, and the thing with Eli is he’s a bit clingy. The pub was last week but he’s been calling me nonstop to just talk sometimes. It’s annoying.

And you know what? When I don’t answer, he blames me of ignoring him because he ends up thinking that I think he’s not worth my time to talk to him. It’s stupid, but being the type of person I am, I feel sorry for him because I could be the only person that talks to him. It’s just in my nature.

Still crying, I rested my head on the steering wheel. I needed to have a good cry; I hadn’t had one in the longest time. Vibrating in my pocket was my phone. I reached for it and tried as hard as I could not to sound like I had indeed, been crying.

“Hello?” I asked, not bothering to look at the caller ID. It was more than likely Eli.

“Hey,” said the sheepish voice.

“Matt?” I asked, unsure if it was a good time to talk to him or not.

I heard him sigh and shift the phone from one ear to the other. “Yeah, Lynnie. It’s me. Did you not want to talk or something?”

“No, it’s not that. I just wasn’t expecting you to call me.”

“Is everything okay?”

I paused, thinking of what I was going to tell him. Should I tell him or not was the question plaguing my mind.

“Lynn?” Matt asked. “You there?”

“Yeah.”

“Is everything okay?” he asked again, though this time it was more of a real, serious question than one out of politeness.

“I don’t know, Matt. I really don’t.”

“What’s going on, baby?”

My heart jumped at him calling me ‘baby.’ For some reason I just missed being called that pet name too much.

“Did that Eli kid do anything?” I laughed slightly. Of course Matt would say something.

“No, not really. He’s not the problem. He may be a tad annoying, but he’s not what’s going on.”

“Then what is it?”

I sighed heartedly and decided on telling him.

“My doctor thinks I have cancer,” I finally let out.

He was silent for a moment, not saying anything. In the background I heard cars passing. He must’ve been beside a street or something.

“M, what’s wrong?” I heard Johnny say in the background.

“Hello?”

I sighed tiredly. “Hey Johnny Boy.”

“Maybe you could tell me why Matt’s staring blankly off to space, not answering anything. Oh, wait. There. He moved. And… he’s blinking…”

The phone tossed around for a moment before it settled.

“Lynn,” Matt said. “Are they sure?”

“No, just some tests need to be done. They’re going to open me up and scrape some cells from my ovaries.” I sounded sarcastically happy with the way I relayed it, but the meaning behind it meant different.

“Ovaries? They think you have ovary cancer?”

“What?!” Johnny’s shocked voice said in the background.

“Yes,” I said.

“When is this taking place?”

“In a couple days.”

“Do you want me to be there?”

“No. You worry about the tour. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. Laura and Derek will be there with me.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

Matt sighed and I heard him shift. “Okay. Is there anything I can do?”

“Don’t tell anyone. I need to do it, and I don’t want them worrying until I know for sure.”

“Oh… um… too late.”

“What?”

“Johnny.”

I rolled my eyes. “Of course.”

“Yeah… Brian’s waiting for the phone.”

“Lynn, what’s going on?” Brian asked.

“Hey little brother.”

“Are you okay? What’s this about vagina cancer?”

I actually burst out laughing. “Vagina cancer?” I asked, making sure I heard right.”

“Yeah, Johnny said something with you and vagina cancer in the same sentence.”

Of course Johnny would. I stopped laughing and cleared my throat, becoming serious once again. “No, my doctor just thinks I have Ovarian Cancer. They’re going to do an operation to check some cells and see if I actually have it. If I do, then those cells will tell what stage I’m at. Then treatment will be discussed.”

“So it’s treatable?”

“I’m guessing so.”

“And you’re not going to die?”

“I hope not. If so it’s going to suck, because Brian, I don’t want to die just yet.”