Turn The Other Way

“So what is it?” I asked Matt when we were out of hearing distance. I knew all along he only wanted to go on a walk to try and get something out of me. I was just afraid of what he’d actually be able to get out of me.

“Why haven’t you come back?”

“I’ve answered this already. I like it here. I’ve finally got my own place and I’m independent.”

“Don’t lie to me, Lynn. I can tell.”

“Wish I could tell when you were lying. Everything would be so much more different.” I mumbled the last part.

Matt sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets before looking to his feet. He had heard me. “Is this all because of me?”

I looked at him for a brief moment. “Is what all about you?” I asked dumbly.

Matt looked straight forward and I crossed my arms. “Is your moving here, not having any contact with any of us because of what happened the day before you left?”

Halloween, when we had sex was the day before I moved with Laura here. I don’t even know why it happened. I sure as hell wasn’t meaning for it to happen. It wasn’t like I was planning to bone him. It was a stupid, stupid mistake.

“Yes,” I said softly, not able to keep something like this from Matt anymore. He’d end up dragging it out of me somehow anyway. Matt stopped walking and looked to me, making me stop as well.

“Why?” His voice was soft, filled with hurt. I couldn’t bear to look at him. So instead, I just stared at the sidewalk under me while I told him. An ant was crawling near a crack and I watched him. He sure as hell doesn’t have to worry about making stupid mistakes like me.

“I made a mistake, a drunken one at that, and every time I saw you, it reminded me of that mistake,” I paused, searching for my words. “I felt like I was used, and I didn’t like the feeling.” I could feel Matt’s eyes bore into my skull like I was crazy. “When I first moved here I didn’t call anyone or answer my phone because I feared they’d talk about you if it wasn’t you. I had a lot of anxiety whenever I thought about you and sometimes I lost control; going into anxiety or panic attacks. Laura had to calm me down most of the times, and Derek didn’t understand what the hell was going on.”

“You thought I used you?” Matt asked in disbelief.

“No. I didn’t think. I know you did. Why else would you say those things to me if you weren’t trying to get in my pants?”

Matt sighed. “You sure as hell don’t have the ego of your brother. You lack so much confidence, Lynn.” He lifted my chin up but I quickly pulled away, looking back to the ground.
“I’m not lacking anything,” I told him sternly with a slight glare to the ground.

“Bullshit,” he said with a slight arrogant laugh. “What is it with you? You used to be so confident. And now…” He scoffed, now pacing. “What happened?” He paused. “What happened to my Lynn? My Lynn was so much different than this woman in front of me. What happened?” he repeated.

“She was heartbroken. Shattered to irreversible bits. The man she fell in love with divorced her and then dates her best friend, then says she’s beautiful so she fucks him. She’s a horrible person. And she wants to stop talking about this.” I turned on my heel and walked back to the Polar Bar, where I knew everyone would be waiting.

“Lynn, please! Wait!” I ignored him, and just kept walking. I didn’t get too far. He yanked on my arm which caused me to be thrown to his chest like a fucking rag doll.

“Don’t,” I said plainly. “Don’t start anything. I’m done with you.”

“Lynn,” he whined. “Please.” His voice was on the verge of breaking.

“No, Matt. I’m done. Friends we can stay, but that’s all.”

“Is there ever any hope?”

“I highly doubt it. You have a show tonight, remember? Better get going.” I pulled my arm back from his grip and continued on my way.

“Where’s Matt?” Michelle asked.

“I don’t know. Can we leave now?” I asked everyone. They sent me looks, as if saying, ‘Why?’ To say the least, I ignored them and jutted out my hip, crossing my arms. Laura was cleaning off Emma and Brian sent me a new look, one of confusion.

“Lynn?” Dad asked me.

“Hm?” I responded.

“Come over here for a second,” he said, standing up and leading me to the side of the building, away from prying ears. “You look like you’re on the verge of crying, what happened?”

I sighed and picked at my nails. “Matt happened. He’s back in my life, a walking billboard advertising that I’m a slut.”

“No you’re not, Lynn. What was said?”

“Just the same old shit. Matt wanting to get back with me, trying to get in my pants.”

“Not is that assumed or did he tell you?”

“Assumed,” I answered.

“Then don’t assume anything. Out of us all, you know Matt the best. Was he telling you the truth with whatever he said?”

“Should I?”

“Depends on what he said-“

“Then no,” I replied quickly. “Dad,” I whined. “You know what happened with him. How can I believe anything he says to me anymore?”

“How about try and give him a chance? When you let, I don’t know if anyone told you this but when you left he was real hurt. He told Brian, who told me that he thought it was his fault that you moved out here, like he did something wrong.”

“He is.”

“Did you tell him that?”

“Basically.”

“Then Lynn, you confirmed his fears.”