Hello, I Dislike You Intensely. Have a Nice Day.
Entries #12 and #13.
But I'm not going to think about that. I'm not. I'm locking it inside a box and putting it in the middle of a labyrinth like a minotaur, or sealing it inside an avocado like Sidewalk. Because if I think of it I'll go crazy and going crazy, while it feels nice, is bad for you.
Speaking of avocadoes, however, play (ahem, musical) rehearsal went great. We sang songs and acted out scenes and did amazing, silly things in general. Like this one scene where they were having a tea party and Anyone confesses to everyone that she doesn't like tea and while everyone else is sobbing in dismay, Sidewalk sweeps her into his arms and recites this big soliloquy on how he still loves her. I'm the girl serving the tea and I'm supposed to act deeply scandalized. I still can't do the part with a straight face, but it's okay.
And the girl playing Anyone, Maynard, the girl who first pointed me out to the teacher, is a really good actress (not to mention singer and dancer) and we had a really long, slightly loopy conversation after rehearsal. And she reminds me so much of Marina, so of course now I have to worry about her disappearing too.
But not yet. I'm at the mall now and there's still an hour or so left til the sun goes down and I just want to wander the stores and look at all the people and the lights until someone kicks me out for loitering. I don't even know why I'm at the mall. It was sort of near to the park, and I didn't want to stay at the park any more. I wanted to go somewhere where what everyone else was thinking could drown out what I was thinking.
There's a song playing now, some faceless, boneless bubblegum pop song, and I don't mind. Sure, it's annoying and vapid. Of course no one will remember it in three years. But it makes me feel warm and shiny and empty and floaty inside, and that's never a bad feeling.
Oh, God. That's Alex, isn't it? It is Alex. I mean, of course it's Alex - it's only completely typical of my life, having someone show up when they're the exact person I took such pains to avoid. Great. I think he's seen me too. He has seen me, and now he's coming over. He whispered something to the girl next to him, the girl he was with at the park (his girlfriend, of course), and he's coming toward me, oh shit oh shit. Whatever it's going to be about, I know I'll screw it up and make it stunningly awkward for the both of us. And I'm debating whether or not to disappear into the crowd right now to save us both the awkwardness.
Damn, I think it's already too late...
--
Me and Alex just had the strangest conversation. I don't even know if I want to write it down, because if I write it down, it'll be too real, too intense, too...something. But I will, anyway. I've got to carve out a path for all future diarists overcoming the aftereffects of strange conversations. So here goes I.
Alex: Hey, Dani. Don't run away.
Me: I wasn't running away. What led you to believe that? What do you want, anyway, Alex?
Alex: Well, you were getting up and looking around all frantic like for an escape route. And I don't want anything, per se, I mean what is it these days with wanting things? I was just coming over to say something.
Me: [getting a tiny bit nervous] Then say it.
Alex: [sits down carefully on nearby bench, sighs deeply] Well, I've just been thinking about the conversation we had yesterday. And...to tell you the truth, Dani, I was playing that conversation over and over in my head for the entire rest of the day. Just, the way you sounded in it - I couldn't get it out of my head. And I guess what I'm trying to say is, I like you. I like you, kind of a lot. I have for a long time. We hadn't really talked much before yesterday morning, but all the times we did, I really enjoyed it, even if it was something as small as a 'thank you'. Stupid as that sounds. Just...the way your mind works, the way you act so guarded...You're smart and funny and you have a nice laugh...and you're not like the other girls, Dani. I guess I just wanted you to know.
Me: [expressions of horror grow steadily more grotesque as Alex ignores them as 'Just shut up!' signs and keeps blathering on, dammit!]
Alex: What? What is it?
Me: [splutters madly] I - Is this a joke? Why would anyone want - with me? My laugh - Alex, your girlfriend is right there - I saw you two in the park! How could you - to either of us?
Alex: God, it's complicated. I love her, but I like you too.
Me: That's hardly - Well, you shouldn't. Your affections are only supposed to be toward one person at a time! And why are you going all Romeo-y on me while taking your girlfriend to the mall?
Alex: Her sister was just coming to pick her up. And you were here; it seemed like the perfect moment, like it was more than just a coincidence. I've been feeling so oddly confident this whole afternoon, and I hate saying this, but it's like everything was leading up to this moment.
Me: [flat-out panicking] God, just stop. Please, please, please. I can't - I'm pretty sure it's against the law to have two girlfriends and I can't just ruin your relationship.
Alex: Well, I never asked you out -
Me: But isn't 'I like you' synonymous with 'Will you go out with me?'
Alex: Um...not here.
Me: So you're telling me you like me just for the sake of telling me you like me?
Alex: Yeah, I guess.
Me: Uh. Wow.
Alex: Well, honestly...[sighs again] Me and Delia, I love her and she loves me, and nothing's changed since we started going out, but something has changed. I can't say what. We just go together so well. She's adorable, and she knows what I mean by certain things, and she has the same music taste I do. We share a lot of the same views on issues. But...I feel like I'm supposed to like her, like it's not something I choose.
Me: Alex, I can't just sort out your romantic issues - I mean, why'd you even tell me all this in the first place? I don't - I can't - Look, I have to go now. I really need to go.
Alex: Bye, Dani.
[end scene]
I'm back at the park, waiting for a bus, and the sun's gone down and I bet someone's going to jump out of the bushes any second now and rape me senseless.
Well, remember when I told you someone's been replying to my diary entries? It's Alex. I found all the entries I've written, and he's replied to every one of them. And I'm not surprised.
I know it's him because I recognize his writing from doing partner work, how he doesn't dot his i's and how the tails of his y's and g's are long enough to get caught in the writing on the next line. It's him, it's Alex. He knows everything, every detail of my sad little existence. He knows about my family, my friends (or lack thereof), and worst of all, my bipolar-ness.
Surprisingly, things can get worse. Because, to tell the stupid, pathetic, unflinching truth, I'm glad. I'm happy someone else finally knows about my silly excuse of a life, and I'm very happy that, out of all the possible people to have found out, Alex was the one who did.
There, I said it.
Speaking of avocadoes, however, play (ahem, musical) rehearsal went great. We sang songs and acted out scenes and did amazing, silly things in general. Like this one scene where they were having a tea party and Anyone confesses to everyone that she doesn't like tea and while everyone else is sobbing in dismay, Sidewalk sweeps her into his arms and recites this big soliloquy on how he still loves her. I'm the girl serving the tea and I'm supposed to act deeply scandalized. I still can't do the part with a straight face, but it's okay.
And the girl playing Anyone, Maynard, the girl who first pointed me out to the teacher, is a really good actress (not to mention singer and dancer) and we had a really long, slightly loopy conversation after rehearsal. And she reminds me so much of Marina, so of course now I have to worry about her disappearing too.
But not yet. I'm at the mall now and there's still an hour or so left til the sun goes down and I just want to wander the stores and look at all the people and the lights until someone kicks me out for loitering. I don't even know why I'm at the mall. It was sort of near to the park, and I didn't want to stay at the park any more. I wanted to go somewhere where what everyone else was thinking could drown out what I was thinking.
There's a song playing now, some faceless, boneless bubblegum pop song, and I don't mind. Sure, it's annoying and vapid. Of course no one will remember it in three years. But it makes me feel warm and shiny and empty and floaty inside, and that's never a bad feeling.
Oh, God. That's Alex, isn't it? It is Alex. I mean, of course it's Alex - it's only completely typical of my life, having someone show up when they're the exact person I took such pains to avoid. Great. I think he's seen me too. He has seen me, and now he's coming over. He whispered something to the girl next to him, the girl he was with at the park (his girlfriend, of course), and he's coming toward me, oh shit oh shit. Whatever it's going to be about, I know I'll screw it up and make it stunningly awkward for the both of us. And I'm debating whether or not to disappear into the crowd right now to save us both the awkwardness.
Damn, I think it's already too late...
--
Me and Alex just had the strangest conversation. I don't even know if I want to write it down, because if I write it down, it'll be too real, too intense, too...something. But I will, anyway. I've got to carve out a path for all future diarists overcoming the aftereffects of strange conversations. So here goes I.
Alex: Hey, Dani. Don't run away.
Me: I wasn't running away. What led you to believe that? What do you want, anyway, Alex?
Alex: Well, you were getting up and looking around all frantic like for an escape route. And I don't want anything, per se, I mean what is it these days with wanting things? I was just coming over to say something.
Me: [getting a tiny bit nervous] Then say it.
Alex: [sits down carefully on nearby bench, sighs deeply] Well, I've just been thinking about the conversation we had yesterday. And...to tell you the truth, Dani, I was playing that conversation over and over in my head for the entire rest of the day. Just, the way you sounded in it - I couldn't get it out of my head. And I guess what I'm trying to say is, I like you. I like you, kind of a lot. I have for a long time. We hadn't really talked much before yesterday morning, but all the times we did, I really enjoyed it, even if it was something as small as a 'thank you'. Stupid as that sounds. Just...the way your mind works, the way you act so guarded...You're smart and funny and you have a nice laugh...and you're not like the other girls, Dani. I guess I just wanted you to know.
Me: [expressions of horror grow steadily more grotesque as Alex ignores them as 'Just shut up!' signs and keeps blathering on, dammit!]
Alex: What? What is it?
Me: [splutters madly] I - Is this a joke? Why would anyone want - with me? My laugh - Alex, your girlfriend is right there - I saw you two in the park! How could you - to either of us?
Alex: God, it's complicated. I love her, but I like you too.
Me: That's hardly - Well, you shouldn't. Your affections are only supposed to be toward one person at a time! And why are you going all Romeo-y on me while taking your girlfriend to the mall?
Alex: Her sister was just coming to pick her up. And you were here; it seemed like the perfect moment, like it was more than just a coincidence. I've been feeling so oddly confident this whole afternoon, and I hate saying this, but it's like everything was leading up to this moment.
Me: [flat-out panicking] God, just stop. Please, please, please. I can't - I'm pretty sure it's against the law to have two girlfriends and I can't just ruin your relationship.
Alex: Well, I never asked you out -
Me: But isn't 'I like you' synonymous with 'Will you go out with me?'
Alex: Um...not here.
Me: So you're telling me you like me just for the sake of telling me you like me?
Alex: Yeah, I guess.
Me: Uh. Wow.
Alex: Well, honestly...[sighs again] Me and Delia, I love her and she loves me, and nothing's changed since we started going out, but something has changed. I can't say what. We just go together so well. She's adorable, and she knows what I mean by certain things, and she has the same music taste I do. We share a lot of the same views on issues. But...I feel like I'm supposed to like her, like it's not something I choose.
Me: Alex, I can't just sort out your romantic issues - I mean, why'd you even tell me all this in the first place? I don't - I can't - Look, I have to go now. I really need to go.
Alex: Bye, Dani.
[end scene]
I'm back at the park, waiting for a bus, and the sun's gone down and I bet someone's going to jump out of the bushes any second now and rape me senseless.
Well, remember when I told you someone's been replying to my diary entries? It's Alex. I found all the entries I've written, and he's replied to every one of them. And I'm not surprised.
I know it's him because I recognize his writing from doing partner work, how he doesn't dot his i's and how the tails of his y's and g's are long enough to get caught in the writing on the next line. It's him, it's Alex. He knows everything, every detail of my sad little existence. He knows about my family, my friends (or lack thereof), and worst of all, my bipolar-ness.
Surprisingly, things can get worse. Because, to tell the stupid, pathetic, unflinching truth, I'm glad. I'm happy someone else finally knows about my silly excuse of a life, and I'm very happy that, out of all the possible people to have found out, Alex was the one who did.
There, I said it.