Hello, I Dislike You Intensely. Have a Nice Day.
Entries #17 and #18.
I think I'm about to fall over. Or explode. Or go to Hell. Or all three. This is what he said -
Dear Dani,
First of all, I didn't think you'd reply; I was worried you'd never talk to me again. So imagine my surprise when I go by here again (like I do every morning, since I get dropped off at school really early and don't like spending a minute there more than I absolutely have to), and see a letter in one of the maple trees that wasn't there before (the letter, not the tree).
I read it, and this feeling just came over me. I'm not sure how to describe it. It's just sometimes, I feel like I'm living in a photograph, like nothing's moving and nothing's changing. And sometimes I feel like I'm the photograph, put in the middle of life. But in that moment, I felt everything click into place, life with life; I felt all the picture frames melt and every edge and boundary lift away. I was alive in the midst of life. My heart leapt into my throat. I saw people taking their morning walks, kids on the jungle gym, cars passing in flurries of sound and shape. It took my breath away. The wind across my face, pulling leaves from the trees, rustling the grass and shifting the clouds. I imagined putting my ear to it all and hearing a pulse.
But I'm getting carried away again. I hate to be the one to say it, I really, really do, but I don't know if this is a good idea. I realize I'm being a hypocrite, since I'm the one who started everything with what I said at the mall. But I was getting carried away then too.
Don't think I like you less now that I've said that. I like you more than you know. That's what scares me. I was watching a movie with Delia the other day, and it was nearly over, and something funny happened. She laughed, and all of a sudden I thought about you. What do you laugh at? Would you have laughed at whatever had happened in the movie?
I don't know what to do. I like two equally beautiful and fascinating girls. And at least one of them will end up with her heart broken.
- Alex
He called me beautiful. And fascinating. No one's ever called me either of those before.
What would happen if all the gravity in the universe simultaneously stopped working? That's what I feel like now.
--
I wrote back to him -
Dear Alex,
Geez, is this likeThe Bachelor or something? But all joking aside, I'm sorry for what I wrote. I shouldn't have done that. I'm so sorry I'm coming between you and Delia. I think what you said earlier is the best idea after all - forget all this ever happened. I'm a hypocrite too, and I get carried away too. Even if we did take it further, it won't end well. We're too similar. We're a danger to one another. Just look at history.
I'm sorry again about what I wrote, for leading you on. I just can't break what you and Delia have apart.
I can imagine you coming to this park again, seeing a new letter, feeling so alive, and then reading it. It'll be like I killed you, I will have taken away your life. And for that, I am sorrier than you will ever know.
I wish you the best.
- Dani
Halfway through, I started crying. My words all blurred, the ink ran off the page. I started rewriting the letter on a new page. That time, I started crying after the first sentence. New page. More and more wet pages. It's for the best, I told myself. It is infinitely safer - loving from far away, on the inside.
The second boy I've ever felt capable of loving, and I'm letting him go, just like the first time. I'll be killing him, I kept thinking. More and more wet pages. I was killing trees, I was killing everything. The only thing I was preserving was myself. Like always.
Despite that, I still took the driest letter and put it in one of the maples. I tried to think again of the first time I saw Alex and Delia together, lying in the grass in a glade of trees. That was beautiful; it didn't deserve to be destroyed. I was keeping a beautiful thing from destruction, that was what I was doing. But even then, I still felt like I was killing everything.
The terrible selfishness set in. She's pretty; I bet she's had a ton of boyfriends before. I bet a bunch of boys have crushes on her right now, and they're just waiting for the right moment. I, on the other hand, have never had a boyfriend in my life. The last and only time I've loved someone was years and years ago, and he disappeared before I could've told him how I felt.
I walked to the wall where I'd found Alex's entries. It was a wall of gaps and spaces now. I sat facing those trees and that private residence. Again, I wanted to trespass, but this time so I could be chased down and knocked to the ground, so I could feel the cold metal cuffs biting into my wrists, so I could be punished.
Emboldened, I stepped up to the thorny hedge, peering through the thick layers of leaves to make sure the coast was clear. On the other side I heard a lawnmower suddenly start. I jumped, rustling the leaves. At that, I leapt back over the wall of missing pieces and ran away, the fastest I'd run for a long time.
Dear Dani,
First of all, I didn't think you'd reply; I was worried you'd never talk to me again. So imagine my surprise when I go by here again (like I do every morning, since I get dropped off at school really early and don't like spending a minute there more than I absolutely have to), and see a letter in one of the maple trees that wasn't there before (the letter, not the tree).
I read it, and this feeling just came over me. I'm not sure how to describe it. It's just sometimes, I feel like I'm living in a photograph, like nothing's moving and nothing's changing. And sometimes I feel like I'm the photograph, put in the middle of life. But in that moment, I felt everything click into place, life with life; I felt all the picture frames melt and every edge and boundary lift away. I was alive in the midst of life. My heart leapt into my throat. I saw people taking their morning walks, kids on the jungle gym, cars passing in flurries of sound and shape. It took my breath away. The wind across my face, pulling leaves from the trees, rustling the grass and shifting the clouds. I imagined putting my ear to it all and hearing a pulse.
But I'm getting carried away again. I hate to be the one to say it, I really, really do, but I don't know if this is a good idea. I realize I'm being a hypocrite, since I'm the one who started everything with what I said at the mall. But I was getting carried away then too.
Don't think I like you less now that I've said that. I like you more than you know. That's what scares me. I was watching a movie with Delia the other day, and it was nearly over, and something funny happened. She laughed, and all of a sudden I thought about you. What do you laugh at? Would you have laughed at whatever had happened in the movie?
I don't know what to do. I like two equally beautiful and fascinating girls. And at least one of them will end up with her heart broken.
- Alex
He called me beautiful. And fascinating. No one's ever called me either of those before.
What would happen if all the gravity in the universe simultaneously stopped working? That's what I feel like now.
--
I wrote back to him -
Dear Alex,
Geez, is this likeThe Bachelor or something? But all joking aside, I'm sorry for what I wrote. I shouldn't have done that. I'm so sorry I'm coming between you and Delia. I think what you said earlier is the best idea after all - forget all this ever happened. I'm a hypocrite too, and I get carried away too. Even if we did take it further, it won't end well. We're too similar. We're a danger to one another. Just look at history.
I'm sorry again about what I wrote, for leading you on. I just can't break what you and Delia have apart.
I can imagine you coming to this park again, seeing a new letter, feeling so alive, and then reading it. It'll be like I killed you, I will have taken away your life. And for that, I am sorrier than you will ever know.
I wish you the best.
- Dani
Halfway through, I started crying. My words all blurred, the ink ran off the page. I started rewriting the letter on a new page. That time, I started crying after the first sentence. New page. More and more wet pages. It's for the best, I told myself. It is infinitely safer - loving from far away, on the inside.
The second boy I've ever felt capable of loving, and I'm letting him go, just like the first time. I'll be killing him, I kept thinking. More and more wet pages. I was killing trees, I was killing everything. The only thing I was preserving was myself. Like always.
Despite that, I still took the driest letter and put it in one of the maples. I tried to think again of the first time I saw Alex and Delia together, lying in the grass in a glade of trees. That was beautiful; it didn't deserve to be destroyed. I was keeping a beautiful thing from destruction, that was what I was doing. But even then, I still felt like I was killing everything.
The terrible selfishness set in. She's pretty; I bet she's had a ton of boyfriends before. I bet a bunch of boys have crushes on her right now, and they're just waiting for the right moment. I, on the other hand, have never had a boyfriend in my life. The last and only time I've loved someone was years and years ago, and he disappeared before I could've told him how I felt.
I walked to the wall where I'd found Alex's entries. It was a wall of gaps and spaces now. I sat facing those trees and that private residence. Again, I wanted to trespass, but this time so I could be chased down and knocked to the ground, so I could feel the cold metal cuffs biting into my wrists, so I could be punished.
Emboldened, I stepped up to the thorny hedge, peering through the thick layers of leaves to make sure the coast was clear. On the other side I heard a lawnmower suddenly start. I jumped, rustling the leaves. At that, I leapt back over the wall of missing pieces and ran away, the fastest I'd run for a long time.