Hello, I Dislike You Intensely. Have a Nice Day.
Entry #56.
You will not believe what just happened. I know I can’t. It is singularly, nuclearly beyond belief, that’s why.
So my mother comes home and casually starts dinner and asks me to chop parsley and cube tofu, and I go about doing this, and all is perfectly normal until she says, “So on your Saturday rehearsal last week, a nice young man named Alex dropped by – “
Alex? I thought. Now why would he –
“And told me a few things – “
No. Oh, hell no.
“That he said I should know.”
I saw the knife dig into the side of my thumb, the blood pooling upward, but I couldn’t feel it. A soundless thunder roared in my ears, and something snapped inside me, loosing a torrent that screamed No, no, no, no, NONONONONO.
I don’t want to go into detail about what happened next, but there was crying and screaming and the parsley wilted and the tofu fermented (or whatever tofu does) and the pan boiled dry. She alternated between lashing out and sobbing. I alternated between pathetically trying to downplay it and bawling my eyes out. She demanded why I hadn’t come to her earlier, and how long I’d been feeling that way and I couldn’t answer. She blamed herself for never having noticed anything wrong, but I insisted nothing was farther from the truth. I begged her to listen, said that I never actually meant it, I was just being stupid and I didn’t know what had gotten into me, but I had never wanted to die, not once. She didn’t believe me – and I didn’t believe myself, so there was nothing I could say after that. I just pled of her then not to have me locked up – I had a vision of padded rooms and being shocked with electricity to beat the neurons in my brain back into their proper alignment. Which reminded me of Hargreaves and the green-faced lady and Lorraine and her janitor and cat cardigan, and the screaming man and Coralie and finally Alex.
Alex, goddamn him, why did he do this? Why did he do this, my family is agony right now. Was it to retaliate because he’s still bitter? Or did he honestly think it was for my own good? I’d promised him long ago I’d get help, and I never did, so was he doing it for me now? It wasn’t his place. And yet, is that not the same thing he said to me after I visited his mom? But that’s something else, it’s different from this. I can’t believe he would do this, I can’t believe this. I don’t want to wake up after I go to sleep tonight.
So my mother comes home and casually starts dinner and asks me to chop parsley and cube tofu, and I go about doing this, and all is perfectly normal until she says, “So on your Saturday rehearsal last week, a nice young man named Alex dropped by – “
Alex? I thought. Now why would he –
“And told me a few things – “
No. Oh, hell no.
“That he said I should know.”
I saw the knife dig into the side of my thumb, the blood pooling upward, but I couldn’t feel it. A soundless thunder roared in my ears, and something snapped inside me, loosing a torrent that screamed No, no, no, no, NONONONONO.
I don’t want to go into detail about what happened next, but there was crying and screaming and the parsley wilted and the tofu fermented (or whatever tofu does) and the pan boiled dry. She alternated between lashing out and sobbing. I alternated between pathetically trying to downplay it and bawling my eyes out. She demanded why I hadn’t come to her earlier, and how long I’d been feeling that way and I couldn’t answer. She blamed herself for never having noticed anything wrong, but I insisted nothing was farther from the truth. I begged her to listen, said that I never actually meant it, I was just being stupid and I didn’t know what had gotten into me, but I had never wanted to die, not once. She didn’t believe me – and I didn’t believe myself, so there was nothing I could say after that. I just pled of her then not to have me locked up – I had a vision of padded rooms and being shocked with electricity to beat the neurons in my brain back into their proper alignment. Which reminded me of Hargreaves and the green-faced lady and Lorraine and her janitor and cat cardigan, and the screaming man and Coralie and finally Alex.
Alex, goddamn him, why did he do this? Why did he do this, my family is agony right now. Was it to retaliate because he’s still bitter? Or did he honestly think it was for my own good? I’d promised him long ago I’d get help, and I never did, so was he doing it for me now? It wasn’t his place. And yet, is that not the same thing he said to me after I visited his mom? But that’s something else, it’s different from this. I can’t believe he would do this, I can’t believe this. I don’t want to wake up after I go to sleep tonight.