Rise Above This

I was sitting alone on the bus with my notebook out, drawing away. Everyone else went out to get something to eat. I wasn’t that hungry, so I stayed behind and told them to just grab me a drink or something. So that’s how I’m able to sit at the little table we have and draw pictures of Tom and I without people seeing.

I had my iPod playing “Helena” in my ears as I drew. It was a picture of Tom and I on the couch, I was sitting on his lap with my head resting on his shoulder, my eyes closed. His arms were wrapped around my waist and he was kissing my temple as I rested my head on his shoulder. My hair was down and Tom’s dreads weren’t tied back. I smiled as I drew. I haven’t drawn this much in my entire life.

I don’t know how long I had been drawing, but the next thing I knew, I saw someone sit next to me. I closed my book real quick and looked up to see Gerard. I pulled out an ear bud and said, “Hey Gerard. What are you doing here?”

“Bored. What’s that?” he asked pointing at my notebook.

“Nothing really,” I replied.

He nodded and said, “That was a good picture of you and Tom. Sweet, too.”

“Tha-thanks Gerard,” I said. Don’t figure it out. Please don’t figure it out.

“Hey, can I tell you something, seeing as you’d understand?” he asked.

I nodded. “Was ist es?”

He looked at me confused. “Oh sorry. What is it?”

He took a deep breath. “You’ve noticed that I’m with Mikey a lot?”

I nodded. “It reminds me of Tom and I. He’s always wanted to make sure that I was near him incase something happened to either of us.”

“Well, can you keep a secret?”

I nodded, leaning in.

He took a deep breath again before saying, “Well, Mikey and I, we’re…we’re more than just brothers. No one but the band knows. Our parents don’t even know. They’re extremely homophobic and the thought of their sons seeing each other in a romantic way would just kill them. But not before disowning Mikey and I. He’s so worried about them finding out. Do you two have that same worry?”

Wait, Gerard’s in the same boat as me? I’m not alone! Hold on. Does he think that Tom and I… “Gerard, Tom and I, we’re not together. I wish we were, but we’re not,” I told him.

Gerard looked shocked. “Well, I just thought by the way he looks at you and you look at him that you two were together. Does he know?”

I started to shake my head when I remembered my journal being on Tom’s side of our old room. “I think he does. I’m not sure. And exactly how does he look at me?”

“The same way you look at him. Why? Have you not noticed?” Gerard asked.

I shook my head. Tom may like me. Even love me! Oh God I feel like a fucking school girl. And I’m a guy! Damn it. I looked out the window and saw no one outside before opening my notebook to my first drawing. I slid it over to Gerard so he could look at them. All the pictures I drew of Tom and I, or just Tom.

He looked through my drawing, smiling at each one, when I reached my last picture that I drew and said, “These are really good Bill. Remind me next time you guys, or just you, are on our bus and I’ll show you the drawings I drew of Mikey. Both alone and with me.”

I nodded when I heard voices. I looked out the window and saw Tom, Georg, and Gustav heading back to the bus. “Gerard, I need my notebook,” I said.

He handed me my notebook and I ran into the bunks before throwing it into my bunk under my pillow. I walked back into the main room and sat down with Gerard just in time for the rest of my band to walk on the bus.

“Hey Bill. We got you some--oh. Hey Gerard,” Tom said holding a McDonald’s bag.

“Hey guys. I was just leaving. I’ll see you guys later,” Gerard said before getting up and
leaving.

“Hey guys,” I said.

“Hey. Anyway, we got you some fries,” Tom said giving me the bag.

I smiled. “Thanks Tom.”

“No problem. Now eat. We have sound check in about an hour,” Tom said before sitting down on the couch.

I nodded before opening my bag and seeing the yummy fries inside. I grabbed a few and started eating when I thought about what Gerard told me. How he and Mikey have to worry constantly about having their parents find out. I’m so glad I trusted my mom enough to tell her. I’m kind of afraid to tell Gordon though. I don’t know why though. I don’t think I ever will know.

I ate my fries happily when Gustav said, “Shit. We need to leave. Come on.”

I got up and followed my band out of our bus and towards the venue where we were going to do our sound check and the show later tonight.