Rise Above This

(Still Tom’s POV)

I was looking through Bill’s suitcase trying to find something that would give me a clue about whether he still had feelings for me or not. Just anything to help me out here.

After not finding anything, I sat on Bill’s bunk. Ugh. This is so confusing. Now I’m even more confused now then I was then. I mean, I’m Tom fucking Kaulitz for fuck’s sake! I’m supposed to be a ladies man. Let me emphasize that. Ladies man. Not…well, you know what I’m talking about. I’m supposed to want girls. Not guys. Especially not my brother. Do I even want him though? I have no clue.

But this does explain on our birthday how Bill zoned out while we were swinging. Even came to a complete stop and didn’t know about it until I told him that he did. And then he wouldn’t tell me what he was thinking about. I mean, he usually talks to me. I became even more curious when he told me it was a secret.

I laid down on his bunk when I felt the bottom of my neck hit a corner of something. I sat back up and looked to see that it was his journal. I grabbed it and held it in my hands before opening it to the most recent one.

This is so not fair. I mean, I’m happy that Tom and the wench are divorced. She was so mean to me. Even hated me. But…I don’t know. Maybe if I ignore him and not be near him except when I absolutely have to, maybe I’ll get over these feelings. Fat chance though. What is wrong with me? Why do I have to feel like this. So what, he was flirting with a girl. He’s Tom Kaulitz: ladies man. Not Tom Kaulitz: man who loves his twin brother. I hate this so much. I wish that Tom and I weren’t related just so it would be less frowned upon. I mean, Gerard and Mikey have each other. Am I jealous? Yes I am. I wish Tom would love me like Gerard loves Mikey. But whatever. It’s not like it’s going to happen to me anytime. Tom’s straight. Simple as that. This sucks though.

Tom, ich liebe dich für immer.

Wow. Bill’s really torn up inside. And I caused this. I officially suck at being a brother.

I put the journal back under the pillow when I felt something else. I grabbed it and found that it was a spiral notebook. I was about to open it when I heard voices. I quickly hurried back over to my bunk and hid it under my pillow so that no one could see it before I started rummaging through my suitcase for something to sleep in tonight. Basically, just a pair of track pants.

“Tom, are you on here?” I heard Gustav ask.

“Yeah. I’m back here. Just looking for something to sleep in,” I replied grabbing a pair of pants.

I heard someone walk towards where I was as I took off my hat. I placed it in my suitcase that held all my other hats when I heard Gustav say, “Hallo Tom.”

I waved as I let my dreads down. “Hallo Gustav. The show was amazing tonight,” I said.

I turned to him and saw him nod. “Yes it was. Well, Gute Nacht.”

He climbed into his bunk and closed the curtain before I stripped out of my jeans and shirts and slipped on my track pants. I laid down in my bunk and closed the curtain before grabbing my book light and the spiral notebook from under my pillow.

“Now, what do you hold?” I whispered before opening it up.

(Bill’s POV)

“Hey Georg, I’m going to go to bed. If you see Tom, tell him I said Gute Nacht,” I said before going to the bunks. I saw Tom’s curtain closed to his bunk. I guess he’s asleep already. Damn. Oh well. I’ll see him in the morning.

I climbed into my bunk and closed the curtain before grabbing my book light and turning it on. I reached under my pillow and grabbed my journal before opening it to a fresh page. Well, seeing as my day was basically same shit-different day, I decided to wait until tomorrow to write.

I put my journal back under my pillow when I noticed something was missing. I lifted my pillow up and started panicking. My notebook was gone. All my drawings and…oh no. Where is it?!

I started searching my bunk for it. Relax Bill. Maybe you misplaced it. Oh misplaced it my ass. I put it under my pillow before we left the bus. I should fucking be here damn it!
Unless…oh my God. No.

I peaked out from behind my curtain to see Tom’s bunk dark. I looked as hard as I could when I saw a barely visible light. Tom doesn’t read. Unless it’s porn or…oh fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!!

I laid back down in my bunk and tried to think. Okay, there’s no reason for him to be looking through my notebook. Why would he? Oh God my brain hurts. I’m going to try to sleep.

(Tom’s POV)

Wow. These drawings are really good. The ones of Bill and I made me smile each time I looked at them.

Okay. I’ve officially gotten my head sorted out.

And the conclusion? Well, I shall tell you.

I.

Love.

Bill.

Happy now? Are you dancing around shouting “It’s about damn time?”

Well, for your information, I think I’ve had these feelings suppressed for as long as I can remember. I guess it was after I read Bill’s journal the first time. After reading what I read, I started looking at Bill differently. Then I started noticing things I haven’t noticed before. Like the way his back arches when he stretches. Or how his eyes light up whenever we go to the supermarket and stop in the sweets section. And even the way he looks at me when he thinks I don’t notice.

So, maybe I’ve considered the fact that Bill may love me as more than a brother and that I may love him back. But after I started seeing Lavender, I basically forgot about those feelings. And Bill himself in a way. Which I feel awful for.

But now, seeing as Lavender’s not in the picture anymore, those feelings have resurfaced. Do I love Bill? Yes I do.

Am I planning on telling him? Possibly.

Do I want to? A bit.

Am I afraid? Hell yeah.

And after overhearing Gerard and Mikey’s little argument, maybe I’m not as afraid of telling him as I am about mom and Gordon finding out. I shudder at the thought.

So, I’m going to sleep. Maybe I’ll get the chance to sneak Bill’s notebook back under his pillow tomorrow before sound check. I hope so anyway.