Stuck With Me

“Daddy! Daddy! Wake up!” a small voice roused me from my incomplete sleep.

“Ughh…” I moaned as I allowed one eye to open. Sam was sitting on my stomach, looking down at me with twinkling eyes and a blueberry-crusted smile.

“Other mommy says we’re gonna go to the store and buy me stuff today.”

“Other mommy?” I thought. Oh, right. He must be talking about Ana.

“Slow down, junior. You have to give me a chance to get out of bed first.”

“C’mon, Mike, don’t be lazy,” Ana walked into the room and looked down at me. “Can’t you see how excited he is?”

“Fine, fine,” I grumbled. I turned back over and buried my head in the pillows. Something hard hit my head and I realized that she had just thrown a book at me. “What was that for?” I complained. “I said I was awake!”

“Yes, but you didn’t get up. So, GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT OF BED MIKE!” She was screaming by now and her face had turned a bright shade of scarlet. She giggled and said girlishly, “Um, well, I guess that would be the pregnancy hormones. Sorry Mike.” She came over and kissed me on the forehead. Following her out of the room was Sam, trailing at her heels and chattering away.

“New Mommy, what are pregnancy hormones? What does ass mean?” He asked, as leaving the room.

I put my head into my hands and grumbled, “God please help us.” I stood up and made various stops around the room, gathering my clothes and other things I would need for the day. Then my cell phone began to ring, blaring My Generation by the Who. I threw a quick glance at the caller ID and sighed in exasperation when I saw the name: The King of Sexy. I pressed talk and smashed it up against my ear.

“What do you want, Tré?”

“Hey sexy, what are you doing tonight? We should hang out."

“Actually I already have my day planned out. Ana, Sam and I are going shopping.”

“Take me with you!”

“Yeah, right!” I scoffed. “The last thing that I want the public to think is that some pot-addicted psycho maniac is following me around.” And this was perfectly true, I could tell by the sound of his voice alone that he had been smoking heavily, probably because he had been really worried about me. So, of course, he wouldn’t look very nice either. I couldn’t help but smile, though.

“I am a pot-addicted psycho maniac that follows you around. Anyway, it’s not like I have anything better to do with my time.”

I heaved a breath in and said, “You have a point, but Tré, I have to deal with you every day of the week! Is it too much to ask to have a day alone with my family? Why don’t you go catch a plane to the Big Apple and visit your daughter, or take your wife out to dinner?”

“Aww, I don’t want to go to New York today, and Claudia is in a mood…she’s all bitchy for some reason…”

“Go bug Billie instead. You two can get drunk and go out driving, or repeat a Dookie era.” I laughed. Ah, memories…no amount of time could erase that rather disturbing image from my mind…

“Hey I thought we all made a pact to never bring that up again!” he whined.

“I need to go Tré. Bye.” I hung up before he could protest.

I got dressed and walked out into the living room to see Sam watching SpongeBob Square Pants. Ana was wiping half of Sam’s breakfast off of the table, but despite the mess she seemed extremely happy. I knew she would enjoy being a mother, and she would be a great one, too.

“Ana, you go get dressed and I’ll take care of this mess.” I offered, picking up the washrag and scrubbing blueberry stains off of the tablecloth.

“Thank you, Mike. This is why I married an amazing sexy man that can rock my world!” she said, winking; she had obviously forgotten that Sam was in the room.

Like most small children would, he turned around and immediately asked, “Daddy, what does sexy mean?”

Ana got a kick out of this and chuckled at the terrified look on my face. She turned without a word and left the room to get ready, leaving me alone to deal with this awkward question.

“Um… Well I’ll tell you when you're older, ok?” I stated.

Lucky for me, Sam is one of those children that agrees with whatever their parents have to say, and he just sat down and started watching TV again. At that moment Ana came out of the bathroom, looking like she had spent an hour getting ready when in reality it had only been several minutes.

“Sammy, come on! We’re going to town now, and if you don’t hurry we’ll leave without you!”

My family and I locked up the house and piled into the car.

“So we need clothes, toys, and furniture,” Ana rattled off, patting her stomach delicately, "And Adie is meeting us at the food court in two hours to help me pick out maternity clothes, in case I don’t get to the store again before I start to grow bigger.”

I guided my car off of the highway, into the parking lot of the local shopping mall and swung into a parking spot.

“Got the check book?” she asked.

“WHAT?” I exclaimed. “I thought you had it! "

“I told you to grab it!”

“I don’t think so, I specifically remember handing it to you this morning before we left!”

She shook her head. “If you had handed it to me, then we wouldn’t be having this discussion!”

“Well, maybe you misplaced it, you know, set it down somewhere.” The frustration that had inconspicuously edged my voice was beginning to show now as my voice rose. “Pregnancy can sometimes make you forget things.”

“You shouldn’t be the one complaining about anything related to my pregnancy!”

“And why is that?”

“BECAUSE YOU DID THIS TO ME!” She slumped over the steering wheel and hid her stomach beneath her jean jacket.

“No, honey, we did this to you,” I said soothingly as I rubbed her back, "And it’s a privilege, not a punishment.”

“Daddy?” Sam’s voice piped up from the backseat. I groaned as I turned around, expecting him to have to go to the bathroom or something. Instead, he shoved a green leather object into my hands.

“Is this the checkerbook?” he asked innocently. Ana looked at the book in my hands and burst out laughing. I joined in, and although Sam had no clue as to why everyone was laughing, he giggled softly.

We left the truck and entered the first store of choice, Kids ‘r Us.