Diary of a Reluctant Ruler

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I no longer find cake the appetising treat it once was…

I feel sick.

“Urgh, this one tastes like cardboard,” James whispered into my ear through a mouthful of cake.

“Which one’s that?” I asked back, taking a mouthful of water.

“The carrot,” he replied, stealing my water from me.

“Right…” I said, crossing it off the list, “This one is double chocolate supreme…”

I picked up two cubes and passed one to James.

“On three,” he prompted, “One, two, three-”

I took a bite. Chocolate filled my mouth in a burst. It was like heaven in a tiny cubic parcel. I felt my eyes go wide. James just moaned slightly. I giggled, trying not to snort cake.

“Heaven in a bite,” he said after a moment.

“I’m slightly turned on. Is that wrong?” I whispered.

“Not at all,” James winked, sneaking me a kiss whilst the Catering staff weren’t looking.

“Good list?” I asked, giggling.

“Friggin’ awesome list, more like,” he replied, “Forget wedding cake, if it turns you on I want it to be our wedding-night cake. No, I want it as our married-life cake. We should eat it everyday!”

“Shush.”

I shook my head, smiling to hide the furious blushing which was going on, and wrote it down on the second list, taking a note of its reference number. I picked up the next bit, which said ‘Nutmeg and spinach’. How these cake-makers dreamed up some of these flavours, I really didn’t know. This would be the sixth vegetable themed piece.

“Ready?” I asked.

“Yup,” James replied.

“Cheers,” I said, nudging my piece against his.

“Cheers,” he grimaced, seeing the cake’s title.

We took a bite…

“Ew!” I cried, my tongue sensing something very similar to a slug.

“Maybe not,” James grimaced, swigging water like a man just freed from a six-day hike across the sahara.

“How many more pieces of this stuff do we have?” I asked, stealing my glass back and pouring more water from the glass jug in front of us.

“Er, a lot,” James answered, surveying the near-mile-long table which stretched along the length of the Ball room. Erica buzzed backwards and forwards, talking to our catering coordinator.

“I think we need back-up,” he suggested, winking at me.

I grinned, “Who do we know that can eat a never-ending amount of cake?”

“Oh, I don’t know…” James smiled mischievously in reply, kissing me swiftly on the lips, sending perfect shivers down my spine, “Perhaps Felix would know someone.”

Within seconds of hearing that we needed help with a culinary matter, Felix had bounded into the room.

“Cake!” he yelled, “What’s my job?”

He looks so cute with those puppy-dog eyes.

“Your job, my man,” James began in a stately manner, “Is to eat it.”

“Really?!” he asked, his eyes growing as wide as saucers.

“Yes,” I smiled, “The only requirement is that you eat a bit of each, and tell us which are the five best.”

“Think you can do that, soldier?” James asked.

“Yes, sir!” Felix cried, clicking his heels together with a salute.

“Perfect,” James grinned, “We’ll leave you to it.”

“Oh, but-” I began, wondering whether that was sensible.

“Ah-ah,” James said, “Erica’ll make sure he isn’t sick. Come on.”

In a cartoon moment, he disappeared from my side. He reappeared at the door to the terrace and beckoned me with a finger. I looked guiltily over at my younger brother, who was tucking into cake with the gusto of a starved dog, then followed my instinct and went out onto the terrace.

“James?” I called to the deserted paving.

“Over here,” replied his distant voice from over by the hedges.

Feeling suddenly free, I took off at a flying pace towards the gardens, my feet barely brushing the ground before taking off again. I rounded the hedge to where he should have been standing and found no one.

“James?” I called again, my heart rate leaping.

“Here,” his voice called again, away in the shrubbery.

Heartbeat matching my flying feet I ran after his voice again, calling his name every so often, chasing after his called response, each time closer than the last. My hair fell out of its bun and danced out behind me in the rushing air that passed my warming face. Somewhere to my left behind a trailing wisteria James began singing softly.

“It started out as a feeling, which then grew into a hope, which then turned into a quiet thought, which then turned into a quiet word…” he murmured.

I turned the corner and stopped suddenly, seeing him leaning against the edge of the pond. Mischief worked its way into my beating heart.

Don’t you dare.

Do it, do it, do it!

The water was a good six feet deep I knew, so he wouldn’t hit his head, I reasoned. I regained my breathing quietly, and then snuck across the square.

“And then that word grew louder and louder, until it was a battle cry, I'll come back, when you call me, no need to say goodbye.”

“Yaah!” I cried, tackling him across the chest.

“Yargh!” he cried back, hitting the water with a huge splash.

Water soaked through my clothes and hit my skin with bitter cold. It was a little late in the year for watersports.

“You little freak!” James spluttered, half laughing, half angry.

Giggling and shivering in equal measure I flung my arms around his warm chest, pressing myself against his wet length, drawing him closer to me across the water.

“Sorry, it was just – you looked so unsuspecting!” I laughed.

“You’re pure evil,” James replied.

An upset lily leaf wobbled on the aggravated surface next to us.

“Only 99.9%,” I bartered, breathless from the cold.

“Oh, what’s the 0.1%?” James asked.

“The part that loves you,” I giggled.

“In that case, I must be 99.9% perfect,” James debated, arms wrapped around my waist as we treaded water, “Just 0.1% evil.”

“That doesn’t necessarily follow, but what’s the 0.1%?”

“The part that’ll do this,” he cried, pushing a wave of water towards my face.

“No!” I cried, my hair completely doused now.

Ignoring shivers, I splashed back, my spray of water pathetic compared to his. The battle ended shortly, as I raised my arms in surrender and found myself no longer able to keep above water. I sank in a slow – and what I hoped was dignified – manner, the water closing over my face. I held my breath underwater, opening my eyes slowly; the fresh water was easy to see through, if a little green. James swam over, head still above water. Still feeling mischievous, I wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled him underneath with me. His stripy shirt floated spectrally out around him like a blue and green halo. If you could giggle underwater, I achieved it. I pressed my lips against his, legs still wrapped around his waist. His eyes remained resolutely closed. We bobbed to the surface together, and they blinked open, so close to mine that I could see the tiny droplets of water lodged in the dark eyelashes.

“You’re beautiful, you know that,” I told him, tracing his shivering lips with a cold finger.

“Cold too,” he murmured, kissing my finger, “Come on, you’re going blue.”

I pulled myself out of the water at the shallow end, the air hitting my skin even colder than the water, which I’d begun to adjust to. I shivered in the breeze. I turned round to help James out and had a complete Pride & Prejudice déjà vu moment.

Ah, Mr Darcy… *daydreams*

“What?” James asked, seeing me a little paralysed.

“Nothing,” I replied, shaking my head.

We crept back into the palace through a back door, ran up a back staircase and dived into my bedroom just as someone was coming round the corner. I giggled as their footsteps passed by behind the door.

“Radiator!” James cried, kneeling down to hug the warm metal, “Oh, how I adore your heat and warming manners.”

“Sounds like you should be marrying the radiator and not me,” I snorted, fetching towels from the bathroom. I threw one at him and it landed on his head, making him look like a comical take on the traditional sheet-covered ghost. He pulled it off his head and stood up, glaring happily at me. I pulled off my wet shoes, socks and jumper, not daring to sit. I walked back into the background to dump the wet clothes in the bathtub. I glanced in the mirror at my blue lips and bedraggled hair, and attempted to make myself look a little more respectable. Coming back into the bedroom I was greeted by a more attractive sight which made my heart stutter a little.

James had pulled his shirt off and thrown it haphazardly over the radiator, and his bare back faced me as he ran the towel through his tousled brown hair. The lean muscles in his shoulders flexed across his back, his skin smooth and pale from little sun.

“God help me,” I murmured, a huge storm of emotions boiling in my chest.

He turned round, his dark eyes locking with mine. Quite suddenly I didn’t know how to think anymore. Thought processes out the door all I could remember was the feeling of kissing him, replaying over and over in my head.

“Your shirt has gone completely see-through,” James told me, interrupting my thoughts and sending me shooting back to the present.

“Yeargh!” I cried, clasping my arms across my chest, “Avert your eyes!”