Diary of a Reluctant Ruler

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James was such a pale, fragile figure lying in the dark ward. His left leg hung, encased in cold white plaster, in a looped sling attached to the metal framework of the hospital bed. The left arm in a sling, a large white plaster covered his neck and traces of cuts ran across his wrist and up the length of his right arm, which lay exposed above the sheets. My heart trembled at the sight of him so defenceless.

“Miss?” the doctor’s detached voice had said, “Miss are you still there?”

My voice hadn’t worked.

“Miss, is there someone else there you could pass me over to?”

My heart had seemed to kick-start again, but in an accelerated pace which had pounded painfully in my eardrums. The doctor continued to talk slowly and calmly at the other end of the phone line; he sounded pre-recorded.

“It’s going to be fine Miss, he’s really only sustained minor injuries for this type of accident, we just need to make sure that everything sets correctly and that he hasn’t sustained any cranial damage and has no internal bleeding.”

A wave of nausea hit me and I’d choked.

“Miss? Please talk to me, Miss.”

“I’m sorry,” I’d choked out, “What – what happened?”

“He had a biking accident, miss. I’m not sure of the particulars.”

“Right,” I breathed, “And he’s going to be ok?”

“I can’t promise anything, Miss, but he’s doing pretty well.”

“Where is he?” somebody else had asked using my vocal chords, as I’d gotten unsteadily to my feet, walked out into the corridor.

“I’m sorry Miss? I just said, he’s in surgery.”

“No, I mean, which hospital?” I snapped back, a panicked sense anger setting in as I wondered around trying to find Jade or Mum or Dad or anyone.

“Oh, the Belmont General in Velgrave,” he replied.

“Right, I’m coming.”

“Of course Miss. I really must carry on my work, but I wish you all the best.”

I’d gone into shock in the following hours of travel. No thought seemed fixed in my head but each swam in and out of consideration, all permeated by a sickening fear for the man I loved. And here he was, lying in front of me, so pale and white, so utterly fragile and still.

His eyelids flickered in sleep, lips parted with a slight look of discomfort coupled with concentration. Behind me footsteps echoed up the ward, and I turned to see a women dressed in the blue uniform of a ward sister talking in a hushed voice to my parents. Behind her Jonathon and Greg lay exhausted on guest chairs, and Oran paced a little back and forth. Charlie had returned to their hotel to cancel reservations in favour of a hospital closer to the hospital.

Everything was quiet, muted, even the incessant ticking of the clock on the far wall.

I pulled a chair up to James’ bed, swallowing at the ever-present lump which had established residence in my throat. My hands didn’t know what to do; rest in my lap, button and unbutton my shirt sleeves, trace the skin of James’ right arm? They fiddled restlessly with the cotton sheet instead.

Hours passed, and I remained steadfastly awake, unable to sleep. I felt empty. Shock resonated within me still, and the fragility I had seen in James when I first came in seemed to have transferred to me in part. As though a single touch could cause me to crumble inwardly. As though every breath threatened to blow away my atoms.

James stirred in his sleep, a faint groan emitting from his lips.

I started, but he quickly fell back into his troubled sleep, and I settled back into my robotic tracing of the bed sheets.

The sun was beginning to peer around the blinds at the window when I finally fell unconscious. The next thing I knew, James was stirring next to me, and I was instantly more alert.

“Merry?” he croaked, confusion flooding his face, “What’s going on?”

“James!” I breathed, happiness flooding my system that he was conscious, “You’re in hospital - you had a crash – on the bike – you’re going to be fine – they just said it was minor – I love you – I can’t believe you’d – and I thought – when the doctor rang I -”

“Woah,” he croaked again, his lips turning up in an attempt at a grin.

“Sorry,” I replied, “I’m just so glad you’re awake.”

James let out a long whistling sigh, his throat crackling, “Water?” he asked.

“Yeah, here,” I said, cupping his chin and bringing a plastic cup to his mouth.

“Thanks,” he said, his voice clearer, “So what happened?”

“You fell off your bike,” I repeated, “Flipped going over a ridge. The bike landed on top of you. You broke your left leg, got some deep bone bruises on the left arm, and got cut up a bit. But the doctor says they’re all clean breaks and you should be fine soon.”

“Ah, don’t feel like I’ll be fine soon,” he grunted, “I feel like I’ve got a massive headache in my leg. It’s horrible.”

“Should I call the nurse? I’m sure she could give you something,” I hesitated.

“Yeah, please, if you would,” James said, grimacing a little as he attempted to shift his position.

I took the little, plastic attention box down from the wall by the bed and pressed the blue button for the ward sister. A few minutes later and she came hurrying in.

“Oh, I see you’re awake, Mr Jacinthe,” she commented cheerily, “Lie back for me, there we go. Now, how do you feel?”

James repeated what he’d told me, and the nurse tutted in a sympathetic tone.

“Well, we’ll just get you some pain medication. No more Morphine, or you might get addicted to it, mind you!” she smiled widely, revealing a gold plaque across one tooth. I shivered at her happiness, it seemed out of place.

James was soon dosed up, and in his new pain-relieved state he drifted back into a more peaceful sleep. Comforted by this, I left the curtained off section of the ward for a moment to find a toilet. My mum was asleep outside in Dad’s lap, his arm wrapped around her thin shoulder.

“How is he?” Dad asked, reaching out for my hand.

“He was just awake for a while,” I replied, “The nurse gave him some more pain killers, and he’s dozed off again. I think he’ll be all right.”

“And how’s my little soldier?”

“I’m fine Dad, just worn out,” I forced a smile, which turned into a grimace.

“Ah, I remember the first time your mum went into hospital – and it was only for her appendix - I completely freaked out. I wouldn’t sleep a wink the whole time she was in surgery, even though I’d already been up more than twenty-four hours.”

I laughed quietly, emotion beginning to work its way back into my previously hollow chest. I felt tears prickle at my eyes.

“Do you know where the bathroom is?” I asked quickly.

“There’s one at the end of the hall,” Dad replied.

I strode there as quickly as I could, attempting to control the delayed tears. Once inside I sank down the wall of the cubicle and sobbed my heart out for a bit, all the tension and panic which had built up flowing out in one big soggy mess.

Ten minutes later I looked like I’d had a major hay fever allergy, but I felt far better. I returned to James’ bedside and slept in the chair next to him, cradling his right hand in both of mine.

“Meredith?” asked a soft voice after a while.

I stirred, and lost James’ hand as I sat up.

Oran stood by the door, holding out a cup of something hot for me. I accepted it with tired hand, and hot, machine-bitter coffee hit my tongue.

“He’ll be fine,” Oran murmered softly.

“Hope so,” I replied, “Just shocks you, you know?”

“Yeah,” he replied.

“You couldn’t have done something a little less… dangerous?” I muttered, half laughing, half serious.

“Meredith, if I’d have known, I never would have organised it,” Oran said, serious concern written over his face.

“I didn’t mean it, Oran,” I said, “I’m just tired. Thanks for the coffee.”

“Don’t stress yourself too much, Phil,” Oran said, turning to leave, “You’re just one person, after all.”

One person with an insane lot on her mind, I thought darkly. I gently lifted James’ hand back into my own after putting the bitter coffee on the side cabinet, and laid my head back down next to his side. Within a few minutes I was once more asleep.