Diary of a Reluctant Ruler

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I frowned as we began our second tour of the garden. Philippe was still talking, and my legs felt like they were about to fall off. Nick and James had disappeared from behind us long before, but Jade continued to shadow us, for which I was grateful.

“Do you mind if we sit down?” I asked hopefully, when Philippe paused momentarily to draw breath. I gestured towards a stone bench under a crawling trellis of grape vine.

“Certainly,” Philippe answered.

He picked up the conversation- or rather, monologue- from where he had left off, without taking another breath. I leant my head against a vine-entangled pillar, and tried to concentrate on his voice, though it seemed to drift hazily in and out of perception.

Jade walked a little way ahead, then stopped to ‘examine’ some of the flowers.

I watched the horizon, where the sun was just dropping into the v-shape created by the beech trees down the hill from us. The clouds had taken on a pretty orange hue.

If Mr Gobby would just stop speaking for a second, we might be able to enjoy the view…

It’s probably impossible for him to be quiet.

Surely we should be able to order him to be silent.

Yeah, but he’s royal too…

Drat.

“Isn’t the view pretty?” I commented, at the next lull.

The guy could talk forever without drawing breath. I swear, he must have major breath control.

“Beautiful,” Philippe said, “But not as beautiful as my companion.”

“Oh,” I said, shocked and rather embarrassed, “Er, thank you.”

“It’s only a fair compliment,” Philippe said.

I shivered, the lack of sunlight chilling my skin.

Or is it the creepy comments?

He’s only being nice!

“Shall we return inside?” Philippe asked when he saw my shiver.

“Please,” I replied.

We walked back through the hedgerows and back up the steps to the terrace. The lights were on bright in the long dining room, reflecting off the chandelier and catching the silver.

“Dinner will be soon,” I commented as we went through the French doors into the morning room, “If you’ll excuse me.”

“It was a pleasure talking with you,” Philippe said, giving me a slight bow.

More like talking at me.

“Thank you,” I said, awkwardly wondering whether to curtsy… it turned into a half-bob, half head-bang.

Once out of the immediate vicinity I gave a sigh and slumped down against the wall. Sadly, there was a skirting board halfway up, and I succeeded in worsening my aching brain by hitting my head against it. I closed my eyes as tiny dots swam in front of my vision, and poked my head between my knees.

“He wasn’t that bad, was he?” an unfamiliar voice asked.

I looked up and saw Nicholai- Nick- watching me.

“Who?”

“Philippe, you know, my brother.”

“Oh,” I said, “Is it that obvious?”

“Yep. He talks too much, I know,” Nick said, sitting down next to me, “It’s just what he does with people he doesn’t know too well. Once he starts to know you better he tends to give you a bit more peace.”

“Oh,” I replied, wondering whether that was any better than jibber-jabber.

“You sure you’re ok? You look a little pale,” Nick waved a hand in front of my face, concerned.

“I just need a rest,” I replied, pulling myself to my feet using the repentant skirting board.

“I’ll see you back to your room, you don’t look too well.”

“Thanks,” I said bleakly.

“S’ok.”

Nick said goodbye once I was at my door, and I collapsed onto the bed. My head swam again, I could feel my period starting to kick in, so I stood up wearily and went into the bathroom.

A couple of paracetamols later and I felt a little better.

I slipped off my dress and pulled on a pair of pyjama bottoms and a big t-shirt. I probably looked like hell, but who was there to see me? I set my alarm to wake me a little before dinner, pulled out my hair clip and crawled into my bed so that my head was where my feet should have been. I just wanted to disappear into the mattress.

Think you could find Wonderland down here somewhere?

Dunno.

Philippe could be Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-dee in one.

Why couldn’t he be called George or something else?

There’s only room for one Phil.

This town ain’t big enough for the two of us…

You’re not talking about me now are you?

Meh, I hadn’t thought about that…

This town ain’t big enough for the two of us!

What ‘choo gonna do ‘bout it?

Draw!

Bang!!! Haha, you're dead!

Oh for heavens sake...

I reached a hand out into the hot muffled darkness ahead of me to see if Wonderland was indeed ahead of me. But I hit the wooden end of the bed and only succeeded in receiving a throbbing hand as well as back and head.