Diary of a Reluctant Ruler

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I didn’t attempt anything off the list from then on, but they just seemed to happen. It seemed to be cementing the fact that I would never do them with him. Maybe it didn’t count, and I sincerely hope it didn’t, but I developed a cough and began to whistle as I breathed outwards. Number 4, to whistle, had always seemed impossible and therefore a lifetime’s guarantee that James would always have to stick by me in order to observe its fulfilment…

We must extend the list, prevent eternal isolation!!!

Please calm down, I have a headache.

It’s James withdrawal symptoms! I need to shoot up!!!

Oh for sod’s sake.

The thunderstorm item seemed very possible as well, as the weather predictions began to turn towards storms and humidity. I had a set of hotel keys, but I certainly wasn’t counting them in the bid to own my own. And if anyone asked me to ‘take the wheel’ in the near future, I was going to point-blanc refuse.

Unless of course my life depends on it…

Inadvertantly though, I did begin to think other things up – iceskated, rollerbladed, sent a message in a bottle, planted something, grown something, seen an eclipse, learnt to juggle… dwelling on the matter made it worse, yet attempting to avoid it drove me crazy.

Then one morning, upon seeing a small white sign in the front of a café, I did a very bad thing...

“You did WHAT?!” Jade exploded.

“I – er, I pretended to be someone else,” I stuttered.

“Not that! That’s fine, the thing after that!”

“I got a job…” I mumbled.

“Meredith, you’re a princess!” Jade cried, exasperated.

So everyone tells me.

“Yes. But currently an exiled under-cover one,” I tried to excuse myself.

“Yā! Lord help me,” Jade said, sitting down in the one chair in the room. I perched on the end of the bed, a little repentant for springing so many things on her, but still determined.

“It’s only temporary – they’ve got some staff on holiday.”

“How am I supposed to protect you when you’re working in a café?!” she cried.

“Well, you could sit and drink coffee and read a newspaper - you could cut holes in it, like they do in cartoons,” I rushed.

“No!” Jade replied, glaring, “No, you go down there and tell them you won’t be able to take that position!”

* * *

The next day and I was standing behind a counter, wearing a crisp white shirt, black skirt, tights and apron, my hair up in what I deemed a sophisticated ponytail, taking an order for my twenty-seventh customer of the day. In the back of the kitchen, I could hear Jade swearing in mandarin whilst she washed up cutlery. And, much to my annoyance, moving backwards and forwards to clear tables was a waiter whose eyebrows had an uncanny resemblance to James’.

“There’s your cup of tea,” I said, putting it onto the tray, “Um, 50 cents please?”

“Yes, but could I have some milk and a teaspoon?” the customer asked, in French.

“Oh, of course! Sorry, I’m new,” I mumbled, trying not to sounds cliché as I grabbed a teaspoon and a jug of milk.

“Merci,” the lady said, passing me the money and moving away.

“Elle!” shouted my boss from the back.

Forgetting that I was now called Elle in an attempt to conceal my true identity, I didn’t reply.

“Elle,” he repeated, coming out from the back.

“Oh, sorry!” I said, jumping to attention.

“Try to remember everything at once. Just take a moment to go over your tray before going on to the bill,” he advised.

Simeon – my new 'boss' - was fifty-something, a Spaniard with an easy-going disposition who took to rolling his ‘r’s more and more aggressively the more stressed he got. He’d already rolled them a few times at my newbie slip-ups. It was surprisingly stressful to have someone other than grandma criticise me.

“Hey, Elle, you taking your break soon?” asked Alexei, the James’-eyebrow-lookalike.

“I’m good,” I replied, smiling at the next person in the line who merely glared back and ordered a croissant with coffee.

“Jade, are you taking your break anytime soon?” Alexei called back into the dark backroom, where muttered mandarin could still be heard.

“Yes!” Jade cried, “I am taking it right now!”

Alexei caught me glaring at his eyebrows and backed away a little. He made another cup of coffee for Jade and went over to sit with her in a corner table.

The frowning-croussaint-ordering-man having left, I nearly choked at the next, already familiar, customer – it was the journalist I’d briefly met at that Young People’s party back in Adria a month ago. The only nice journalist I’d ever met.

“Johanna?” I garbled.

“Er, yes?” she replied, looking confused, “Do I know you?”

“Um, no, probably not – I just saw – something – in the papers-” I babbled.

“Meredith?” she asked suddenly.

“Yes?” I replied without thinking.

Oops.

Idiot.

“Oh my go-”

Johanna didn’t get to finish that sentence, because Jade had abducted her. I glanced around to see if anyone had noticed and followed them into the back.

“Can I interview you?” were the first words which popped out of Johanna’s mouth once Jade had released her.

“No!” Jade said, forcing her to sit down.

“But my boss has sacked me for libel and I need a good article!”

“What did you do?” I asked, eyebrows raised – it’s not everyday a press manager will sack someone for what the press are generally famous for.

“I might have written a blog about who was to blame in your relationship crumbling with Mr Jacinthe… Jonathon Tilley caught me up on it and replied saying that it was entirely your fault – and I might have replied saying that James was a complete and utter idiot-”

Johanna saw me grimacing at the mention of James and cut off, “Needless to say we both got sacked.”

“Tilley’s been sacked?” I asked, eyes wide.

“Well, yes. If there’s one good thing about this…”

*does a little dance*

“But how about it? Can I interview you?” Johanna deliberately looked at me instead of Jade.

“I really don’t think that would be a good idea,” I replied, “Maybe once everything has blown over.”

“But how come you’re here? I mean, it was a spectacular argument, you made a complete front page debut and then you just disappeared like that!” she questioned.

“Phil, don’t answer anything,” Jade cautioned.

“Yeah…” I agreed, “Please don’t tell anyone I’m here.”

“Do, and I’ll make sure you never get another article published in your life,” Jade threatened.

“I wouldn’t do anything against your wishes,” Johanna said grumpily, “Can I have my coffee now? I’m parched.”

“Elle?” Simeon called, “Customers!”

I resigned all the thoughts that had hurried back into my head with Johanna’s appearance – those of princess duties, parents, press, public expectations and James – and plunged back into the deadening routine of taking orders and making coffee. Within a week Simeon’s ordinary staff had returned and my brief experience of being an ordinary person had ended, and I was back to days without anything to distract me from my thoughts.