Make A Plan To Love Me

“I’m a rush much like passing notes! And I’m keeping the secrets you’d all died to know! Have no shame! ‘Cause these boundaries called waste lines are bound be broken some time!” Rugby and I belted.

Glowstick had neglected to bring any type of CD for the car ride, so I had to resort to other methods: making my own music. They had both tried to get me to shut up, but when I started singing that song Rugby recognized it and joined me.

Glowstick really couldn’t do anything about it, but I took pity on him and let him pick the next sing-a-long. I’d been singing what I wanted for an hour and a half.

“How about…L.G. Fuad!” Glowstick suggested

“Mmm…good taste Glowstick!” I said, “Do you know that song Rugby?”

“You needing to ask me that pains my heart.” He said.

“Sorry,” I laughed and continued, “okay, one…two…three…four!”

“Let’s get fucked up and die! I’m peaking figuratively of course! Like the last time that I com…”

We went on singing like that for a long time. We went around in a circle, each of us getting to pick a song that we wanted to sing. If one person didn’t know the song, they just tried to learn the tune as everyone went along. We were all pretty decent singers, which was lucky.

We were having fun singing a song when I felt a slight ping in my bladder.

“You make me want la la!”

“Guys…” I stopped singing and tried to get both of their attentions.

“In the kitchen on the floor!”

“Guys.” I tried again.

“I’ll be your French mai-”

“Guys!” I ended up yelling.

They both stopped singing, and Glowstick turned to me with a concerned look, “You alright?” he asked.

“Oh I’m dandy; I just have to empty my bladder”

“Can’t you just say pee…you use such weird phrases.”

“Does it matter? I have to pee okay?”

“Alright, alright! Hold on…” He said.

He started to examine the fields around us, and drove for another 5 minutes before he pulled over to the side of the road. He looked at me like he wanted something.

“Do you need something Glowstick? Have you forgotten that my bladder is probably stretched to the size of Zimbabwe by now?!” What can I say; I get angry when I have to pee.

He just smiled a bit and made a head notion to the side of the road.

“What?!” I asked in annoyance.

“Go…?”

“Go where? Are you kicking me out? Oh my God, please don’t say we’re out of gas and you’re telling me to walk to the nearest gas station, because if that’s it, you’re fucked up!”

“No! Just calm down, go there, behind that wall.” He pointed over to the field on the side of the road. “Go and do what? Can you stop playing games? I have to pee!” I exclaimed.

“For Christ’s sake, could your skull be any thicker? Pee over there!”

“Whaaa…?” I still wasn’t getting it.

I turned around to look at Rugby, and he was just sitting back there smiling and shaking his head.

“Lucie…go behind that wall and take a piss!”

Oh! I got it. But that’s disgusting.

“No, I don’t want to. Can we just go find a taco bell?” I asked.

“We’re still five hours away from civilization Lex, if you want your bladder to explode, then please. Don’t go. Why do I keep using the word bladder…?”

“God damn it…fine!”

I opened the car door and walked cautiously through the overgrown grass. I was really afraid that I was going to step into some leech infested puddle. The grass was really green though, almost like those fake lawns in those prissy neighborhoods. I reached the rock wall, and seeing it up close didn’t make me want to pull my pants down any sooner.

But alas, I stepped behind it and got down to business. I unbuckled my belt and pulled down my pants and well…squatted? I’ll spare you the details.

I was in the middle of my act when I felt a disturbance by my foot. I looked down slowly, expecting to find some man eating bug or something, but I saw the cutest little thing that I had ever seen. I quickly finished up and picked up my new found buddy before making my way back through the thick grass to the car.

I probably looked extremely suspicious to Rugby and Glowstick. Well, I was sauntering over to the car with my hands behind my back and with what was, I’m sure, a crazed grin on my face.

As if on cue, Glowstick gave me the “What’re you up to” look. Rugby soon followed with the same look as he leaned over to make his head stick out between the two front seats. I climbed into the car and turned around so that I faced them both. I had managed to successfully keep my little friend hidden from their views.

“Look!” I finally said, and I shoved my little buddy into both of their faces.

“What the fuck?!” Glowstick yelled.

“It’s a snake!” Rugby screamed.

“Way to state the obvious, dumbass!” Glowstick said.

“Shut the fuck up!” Rugby retorted.

“Just calm down you guys, isn’t he cute!” I asked with glee.

“No!” they both bellowed in unison.

“Guys, don’t be so mean! You’re scaring Bonlaquisha!”

“Bonla-what?” Rugby asked me.

“quisha!”

“Where the hell did you come up with that”

“Well, it’s sort of a long story…”

“oh please, enlighten us.” Glowstick said.

“Well, back in my freshman year I liked to play jokes on people. I had gym with a bunch of my buddies, and one day I came up with the most amazing lie ever! I told a bunch of people that I had lost my pet hamster named Bonlaquisha in the bleachers! They asked me why I had a hamster and I said that I found him in my bag this morning, and that he had crawled in there without me knowing that morning. And he somehow got out of my locker. And a bunch of people started searching the bleachers for my hamster! They never found him, obviously, but a bunch of people believed that I had really lost my hamster in the bleachers for a long time! It was amazing…I’m so proud of that lie…” I said dreamily.

“Uh…err…” They were both speechless.

“I know! I’m such a good liar, it’s insane!” I said happily.

“No…I mean yes…but…what the hell possessed you to make up something like that?” Rugby asked.

“I have no idea!” I answered simply.

“You ar-”

“No matter,” Glowstick but him off, “Why did you even name it?”

“Because he’s my pet! Don’t you like pets?” I asked him.

“Not snakes!” He answered.

“Why?”

“They bite things.”

“So do you!” I said

“Are you calling me a snake!?” He said with fake anger.

“Not all of you.” I smirked

“I am not a…wait what?”

“Just let it sink in…” I told him, and Rugby cracked up from the back seat.

I knew that Glowstick had gotten my lame attempt at being a pervert when his face developed a large grin.

“Touché,” He said, “But you’re not keeping him.”

“What? Why?”

“Because…”

“Aw just let her have it Julian!” Rugby said.”

Glowstick turned around and pointed at Rugby, “You stay out of this!” Rugby put his hands up in defense and sat back in his seat, clearly amused.

“Who will keep me company while you on your business trips?” I was not going to give up this fight. I had wanted a snake ever since I was a little tyke.

“You can keep yourself company.” He said.

“That is not fair!” I said; my voice had risen a bit.

“Yes it is.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Let me keep him, or I’m never letting you see me naked again!” I threatened.

He laughed then asked, “How do you expect to have my kid?”

“I can impregnate myself asshole!” I said in defiance.

“What if I don’t give you my sperm?”

“‘save the clan’ remember?!”

“Now you’re the one not being fai-”

“This is getting mildly awkward for me.” Rugby cut in from the back.

I looked at Glowstick and puffed my bottom lip out to pout at him.

“Please…?” I asked.

He looked away for a moment, and then looked back into my eyes. He then looked at the black snaked that was curled up in my lap. His face turned into an obvious expression of disgust, but softened when he looked back at me.

“Pleeeaassee…?” I begged once more.

“Oh fine.” He caved! “Just…keep him away from me!” And he got situated correctly into the driver’s seat and turned the ignition, putting us on the road again.

“You hear that Bonalaquisha? Your parents love you! Oh yes they do! Yes they d-”

“That thing is not my child.” Glowstick stated, “I hate snakes.”

“Oh no! Don’t listen to him Bon-Bon, you’re beautiful!”

“And you’re crazy”

“So you agree?” I asked Glowstick.

“Agree with what?”

“That Bon-Bon is beautiful!””

“What are you talking about? No!”

“You continued my sentence.”

“You’re acting childish, you know.” He said, and took his eyes off of the road for a second to look at me.

“Maybe I like to act childish!” I said.

“Maybe you’re just scared to grow up!” He said with a hint of harshness.
I paused.

“Maybe you’re right.” I admitted.

He took his eyes off of the road again, and looked at me with intensity in his eyes.

“I guess we’re perfect for each other.” He whispered, and turned back to look at the road.

I didn’t make any smart remark to him about that, because I knew he was right. With him, I would never have to grow old. I would never be helpless; I would never need everyone to help me get anywhere. I would never lose my hearing because of old age, or get arthritis, high cholesterol. The truth was, I feared being old.

I would never be old with Julian.

The car went silent; Rugby had fallen asleep, and I was planning on doing the same.

Do you mind…” I yawned, “If I…”

“No, go ahead Lexington.” He whispered tenderly, as to not mess with the calm atmosphere that had just been created.

And I fell asleep to the sound of Glowstick humming a tune that I didn’t recognize.

We would be at the Adishi Manor when I next opened my eyes.