Shadows of the World

I only half noticed that there was someone standing over me. Of course, I was still mostly asleep, and I'd finally been able to sleep at 5am this morning. So I ignored whoever it was standing over me, shut my eyes tight so I wouldn't be bothered by the light and tried to sleep. The figure leaned over me, casting a shadow that made my eyelids darker. I still ignored them. It wasn't as easy though, when they shouted "Clio!" right in my ear. I opened an eye. Helena was standing over me, looking severe.

"Hmmnngh?" I answered and she straightened up, flashing me a superior smile that looked absolutelly terrifying.

"Good. Finally. Get up. It's Saturday. And you know what that means," she told me.

I looked at her, no, stared at her. Saturday meant that she should be leaving me alone. I glanced at the clock. It was eight thirty. I'd only gotten three and a half hours of sleep last night. I shut my eyes again and rolled over, so I wasn't facing her. I knew this wouldn't stop her, but I wanted to block her out and leave just my memory of the night- or morning, actually, before. I'd spent it with Carson Knight and it had been the most perfect thing ever. He'd been so beautiful, with the fireflies and the fireworks and the stars. Everything had been just magical. The most magical part of the whole thing, though, was how I'd felt. And how it all had been. With his soft eyes, his dark hair, his porcelin skin. He was like a fairytale, only it was better because he really was magical.

Helena wasn't about to give up, though. "Come on, Clio. Don't you remember? Your parents are having those people over? And there will be boys...boys from Lexington Prep. You already told me I could hang out with you and we already decided we were going shopping. Now get up and let's go to the Ralph Lauren Rugby store. They just got in their Winter Collection and I want to see what they have that's new." Her voice was pleading, and I couldn't really refused. I'd already promised. Besides, I didn't even want to think about how she'd react if I just told her that I couldn't go because I'd only gotten three hours of sleep because I'd spent most of the night in the woods with Carson, the school freak?

Yeah. Not. Happening. I dragged myself up from bed and rubbed my eyes. "There, I'm up. Happy?" I asked and Helena gave me a tight-lipped smile which I knew meant no. I stood up and pulled on the only pair of clean jeans in my room, dumping all the dirty ones into my laundry basket. Helena and I had known each other for so long that I didn't even care about dressing or undressing in front of her. However, I still turned around when I put on my bra and shirt and then pulled my North Face jacket off my chair, shrugged it around my shoulders, and picked up my purse. I felt like I hadn't been out in so long, but in reality, it had only been a week or so. Letting Helena tug me downstairs, I thought about how much my life had changed since then. Not much in my life had really changed, but I knew Carson now, which made all the difference.

"I'll buy you breakfast from Java Hut. But honestly, we only have a few hours to pick out what we're going to wear and then get ready. I have the feeling that I'm going to meet my soulmate tonight," Helena said as she literally dragged me out of the house. I was so tired, I didn't even care for food and just mumbled a half-hearted 'mmhmm' and let her shove me into the passenger side of her car. She grinned at me. "I'm also going to set you up. You haven't liked any guys since Ant, and I've been worried."

Ugh. She just had to bring up Ant. Anthony Thomas Wutherford Junior. Better known as Ant. I'd liked him so much when I was a sophomore, he'd been a junior. He went to Livingston Prep, and we met because our parents were friends. He was a perfect Livingston boy. Tall, lanky, with chestnut hair and chocolate eyes. At first he'd had a girlfriend, but they broke up a few months after we met. We became fast friends and that was how I introduced Helena to Alexander Worthington. They'd been pretty much clones of each other. Alex and Ant, they'd been inseperable. Of course it got awkward when Helena and Alex had started dating...and then extra awkward when they broke up...after that, we all didn't hang out much. And after awhile of not seeing him, I'd just sort of let Ant drift out of my life. I'd cared a lot at first, but eventually I just let him go. It had been better that way anyway.

"I like guys," I said stupidly as we pulled into Java Hut. I stumbled out of the car and Helena grabbed onto me with a laugh.

"Oh yeah? Who?" she questioned as I pushed the door open. It was busy enough in here, but my eyes flicked to the counter. With a furious blush, I saw that Carson was behind the counter, pumping coffee into a paper cup. He turned around and our eyes met. For the longest time we just looked at each other, but finally he smiled at me. The tiniest hint of smiles, but I smiled back. My insides danced. Everything was happy and magical and fluid again. Happy happy wonderful little bubble of a world. I almost wanted to dance.

I ignored Helena's question as we got in line. There were two cashier's helping people, so the line moved fairly quickly. It was finally our turn, with Carson as our cashier. He smiled at us. "How can I help you?" he asked. I looked at Helena, wondering if she suspected anything. What if she'd seen the smile? What if she thought something was up? However, she was inspecting the array of muffins in the glass case.

She straightened up and looked straight at me. "You never answered my question. Who do you like?" she asked. I blanked. Oh, great. I didn't want to look at Carson too obviously. That would so give me away.

Instead, I just cast my eyes in what I hoped was a nonchalant way to him. "I'll have a cranberry muffin please, and she'll have a blueberry one." Carson turned away with a nod, but I could have sworn I'd seen his red cheeks before he'd turned away. Had he been blushing? Oh my gosh, ohmygosh. Did that mean something, did it? I wanted to ask Helena, but I couldn't. I wanted to hit my head on the counter but didn't. Instead, I just swallowed all of my feelings and tried to shrug. "I don't know. I meant the generic guys. You know. I'm just saying, it's not like Ant scarred me for life or anything. He was just some guy. Besides, he was a total jerk." I waved my hand, hoping she'd just let the whole thing pass.

"Yeah well. Tonight. You will meet someone. Someone good. Someone with a trust fund. Ooh, isn't your mom friends with Evee Broadwell? Cause Lucas Broadwell is the captain of the rugby team. Oh hey, how fitting, we're going to the Rugby store! Anyway, he's so your type. He's sort of like Ant, only he's pretty nice. I think Lucas is applying to Yale, I'm pretty sure his dad went there." I just watched Carson getting our muffins. I knew he could hear what she was saying. "Hey, will you pay, I'm going to be right back," Helena added, handing me a ten and turning away to the bathroom. Great. So now I was stuck there.

Carson turned back to me and silently rang up the muffins. Should I say something to him? Something on the lines of, No, seriously, I really don't like that type of guy. I only liked Anthony Wutherford because I thought he'd like me and then it was a vicious cycle that I couldn't stop. No, no, you don't understand,you are my type. I was silent though. Carson rang up the muffins and then turned away. I watched him fill up a medium sized cup with coffee. He put it on the counter. "You look very tired. You should rest before your date tonight," he said. His voice was thick with bitterness.

I felt dissapointment grab onto my stomach and squeeze and twist. "It's not like that...really, my mom's just having a party tonight, and some of her friend's kids are going to be there-"

"Don't worry. I totally get it. You're into guys with trust funds," he said, accenting trust funds in a way that made me only feel sicker. I scrunched up my eyes. "That'll be four dollars even, please." I handed him the ten and then noticed that he didn't add the coffee.

"You forgot the coffee," I reminded, but Carson just handed me six dollars.

"It's on the house." His voice was flat and he turned away from me. I stood blankly there until the guy behind me said "Excuse me" in an only passably congenial way. I scooted over as Helena came out of the bathroom. I wanted to glare at her for letting me crash and burn, all alone. But she couldn't know. I was trapped by who I wanted to be and who I was supposed to be. It was all just endless. Instead, I just sipped my coffee silently and handed her her muffin as we got into her car and drove out of the parking lot.

The rest of the day was a sort of a blur of trying to get energy but not being able to. I was never really able to rest properly, like I wanted...like Carson told me I should. All day was going from store to store, trying on different shirts, pants and dresses. At the end, Helena practically had to dress me, I was falling over. She picked out a shirt and jean miniskirt for me and drove me home. I napped for a few hours while she took a shower, did her hair and makeup. When she woke me up, I didn't feel much better, but feigned happiness. I knew tonight meant a lot to my mom. All of her friends were coming over and I had to make a good impression. In our community, boys and girls didn't just get together to be together. No. Our parents got together and talked about our weddings. That was how simple-minded these women were. They all had to gloat about their children's glorious futures, while I just wanted to run away. Wanted to be where I was this morning, with Carson, but I'd messed it all up. I could be so smooth sometimes.

In the end, I was able to dress myself and put some make up on and hold myself up on my own. Helena and I ventured downstairs to where people were already milling about. I'd put on a string of pearls and some diamond earrings. It was all stupid. Why did I even need to get dressed up with the guy I was in love with practically hated my guts? I sighed onto Helena as we moved together, a pair that would not and could not be separated.

The whole thing was dull. Really dull. Compared to Carson, all these guys were totally useless. They were all the same, all boring, all preppy, all beautiful. I hated them. Helena batted her eyelashes and hung onto their every word, but I felt myself looking off, out of the windows and down the road that would take me to Carson's. I could just dissapear right now and walk there. I could go up to him, put my hands on him and explain to him everything. My dreams, my feelings, how stupid Helena could be, everything. I wanted to tell him how much I liked him- I couldn't say love, because that would just scare him, I didn't know much about guys, but I knew that my brother Trent had always gotten tense when he'd had to tell a girl he loved her. But I could just tell him. Tell him. How bad would it be? I already thought he was jealous...it seemed like he was. Was he? I didn't know enough about boys to get it.

And then, as I was contemplating running away, a figure stepped into the house. I looked to him instantly. His warm brown eyes crinkled up, in a way I knew other girls would call charming. I hated his stupid brown eyes, but I couldn't stop staring at him. Then I saw his pearly white teeth grin at me and I groaned. I looked away, closed my eyes and wished that I were anywhere else.