Shadows of the World

The rest of my Sunday was quiet, I made sure of that. When I got back, my mom was a little surprised and wondered where I'd run off to, but when she saw my ashen face, she didn't say too much about it. I'd said pretty vaguely that I was sick and had dived in under my covers and had tried my best to forget what had happened this morning. It was much easier said than done. Everytime I decided I wouldn't think about it anymore, I would just remember what had happened all over again, in vivid details. My mind had been pulled into Carson's, when his mind had been pulling into mine. It was like we'd been seeing inside each other. I saw all of his unhappiness so clearly. His parents...they'd died a terrible death. I felt the all-consuming pain and guilt that had clutched at Carson's soul.

Feeling so alone with what he could do. Wondering why he had to do it all alone, why he had to be alone in his feelings. It had hurt him so much that he'd tried to kill himself. And when I thought about that, I felt the tears prick my eyes. I couldn't imagine him dying. It was harder to imagine than James. But I'd seen and felt it all so vividly. It was almost like I'd been watching the scene but feeling the feelings that he'd felt. I'd seen him floating, just wishing, willing, making himself die. It had been too hard to bear. I pulled my knees up and let my tears fall freely out of my eyes. Why had I never noticed him before? Why had I never cared? If only someone had reached out to him, it could have been prevented.

If only I'd thought less of myself and more about other people, I might have been able to see that the apathy that he showed at school was all an act. I could have realized that the veil in his eyes only clouded the pain that was behind them. How long had he been carrying this hurt? How long had he felt the baggage on his heart like this? I cried even harder just thinking about it. It made me feel like a really terrible person. I should have done something.

Wiping the tears away, I took a deep breath and thought of what he must be thinking about. Which only made me want to cry harder. He knew all that I'd been dreaming about. He'd seen those dreams of me and him and he'd felt how happy I'd been. He probably felt how much I wanted that to exist. He knew that I felt so much, and know he knew everything that had consumed me for the past few days. He probably was disgusted with me, and he might never talk to me again. I squeezed my eyes shut so tightly when that thought came to me. What if he really did never talk to me again? I could never see that smile, or his beautiful green eyes. I could never feel his hands within mine, or his arms around me. I'd never have the chance to really get to know him, I'd never get the chance to show him that I was here and that he didn't need to hurt himself. I wanted to show him that I loved him.

But he probably didn't want that. I took another deep breath and looked at my clock. It was 4:30pm. The sun was fading. I rubbed my eyes, suddenly feeling extremely sleepy. I didn't want to sleep though, because sleep would just mean more dreams. I didn't want to feel anything anymore. I didn't want to go through another one of these terrible dreams. I just wanted peace. I wanted everything to stop, but it wouldn't. My eyes wouldn't stay open though. They refused. And I felt them closing and I felt myself slipping away against every part of me that didn't want to sleep. But I was going, whether I wanted to or not.

"Clio." A clear voice. A strange bright place. Looking around. A green lawn, butterflies. Carson standing in front of me, taking my hand. Lips on my ear, "Clio, Clio." A bright, bell sound. Smiling to him, smiling brightly. Picking up grass, letting it go, turning into butterflies. The magic, the magic all around us. Warm wind trapping us in a vortex, blowing my hair to his face. Arms around my waist, holding me close while the wind moved around us. Looking up, suddenly it was night time. Carson's mouth at my ear, "You. Want you."

Wet eyes, soft kisses, sore lips. "Yes." Quiet but clear. Bells in my head. Floating off the ground up into space. A smile, a laugh from Carson, looking into the sky. Everything becoming darker and darker before all I could feel was his hand in mine. Then his body against mine, I could feel him against me. He was still there, he wouldn't leave me, he wasn't going anywhere. Then back in the green lawn with butterflies, the strange bright place. Naked now, no shame. In his eyes, a little apprehensive, kissing me. Touching my arm, touching my sides, down to my leg. Stretching my head up to meet with him, our lips together. His hand in mine, fingers entwined. Stars.

Warmth in me. Looking straight into Carson's eyes. Green as ever. His body moving against mine. Pulling his head down to my lips, our noses touching, a smile. Eyes meeting. "Carson." A nod of his head. Understanding. Squeezing hands, tighter against each other, him moving even closer to me. Flutter of kisses. That crack again, the swirl, the soft dizziness. One last kiss. "Don't leave just yet." My words quiet and pleading. Picking me up, holding me close.

"I'm here, I'm here."

There was a knock on my door. I blinked my eyes open. "Come in," I croaked. My mom ventured in. She smiled quietly.

"Are you going to have dinner?" she asked. I clenched my teeth. How anyone could even think about eating at this moment was beyond me. She saw my grimace and nodded. "All right well I'll leave some out for you incase you get hungry." She closed my door and I heard her walk away. My mind instantly went to my dream and something caught at my heart. I didn't feel the same. I didn't feel that burning happiness. I didn't feel that left over beauty. This dream was...different than my other ones. Sure, hypothetically it was supposed to be the same as my other dreams, but it didn't feel the same.

What was different about it? Everything felt slightly more clear, as if there had been some kind of haze over my eyes during my other dreams and there wasn't in this one. In my other dreams Carson had never made anything transform. He'd always been mysterious, but never had done anything magical in any of my dreams. I closed my eyes, reveling in his soft words. His clear voice telling me he wanted me, telling me he wouldn't leave, his beautiful laugh, his words...

His words. Words. That was what was different. In all of my other dreams, he'd never talked. The only time anyone ever talked in any of my dreams, it had been me. I'd only ever talked to James, too. And my words, whenever I had talked, they'd alwasy been slow, they'd always sounded like I'd been speaking underwater. This was different. This was all different. I could hear his voice so clearly. He'd been talking. He'd said my name and I'd said his, I'd told him not to leave. He'd told me he was here. And then it had been like all my other dreams combined. The butterflies, the green lawn, the brightness, the darkness, the stars, the floating, the wind. It all had been like my other dreams. It was like they were a conglomeration of my other dreams.

It was like somehow, this was supposed to be like a dream, but it was like someone was trying too hard to make it like a dream I was supposed to have. It was like somehow someone wanted me to dream something, but they didn't want me to know. Someone who knew my dreams, but had been careless in making this one.

A warmth spread through my entire body when I realized what had happened. I got straight up out of my bed, pulled on a sweatshirt, kicked on some shoes and ran downstairs. "I'll be right back!" I yelled to my parents, not even bothering to explain anything. The sickness I'd felt had evaporated, leaving just happiness that tickled through me. I got in my car and drove quickly, feeling the anticipation under my feet. I didn't even stop to think that maybe I had it all wrong. I couldn't stop to think that, I didn't want to. I felt that I was right within myself.

I just had to be right. If I wasn't, I'd...I didn't know what I'd do, but I had to be right. I finally was driving down the dirt road that led to Carson's house. When I got there, I parked quickly and ran up to the door, not even letting my sudden nervousness take over me. I couldn't let it. I knocked, quickly, before I had time to leave. Because suddenly I was scared and suddenly I didn't want to know, and I didn't want to do this. A tall, older woman with graying hair and green eyes answered the door. I knew this must be Carson's grandmother. I cleared my throat. It was suddenly blocked. "Hi, I'm Clio Pattinson...I'm just here to see Carson..."

She nodded in understanding. "Of course, Clio. Carson's right up in his room, so you can come on in." I nodded my thanks to her and ran up to his room. I'd been there twice before now, so I knew exactly where everything was now. His door was closed and I knocked, again, before I had time to run back down the stairs and leave. I could just pretend I didn't know the truth. It was obvious he didn't want me to know the truth. Carson opened the door looking disheveled and then, when he saw me, surprised.

"Clio," he said, in the same way he had in my dream. I stepped into his room and closed the door. Frankly, I hadn't gotten this far in my plan. I had no idea what to do next. I stared at him. Then swallowed. Then stared some more and swallowed more. I should have thought before I'd rushed over like this. I cursed myself silently for being so rash.

I looked at Carson carefully. He still looked surprised, and uncomfortable. Like he wasn't expecting me. I put my hands over my head and let my head drop down over my chest. I didn't know what to say, so I said the only thing I knew. "I know you made that dream."

"Oh," was all he said. A sigh. "I was hoping that you wouldn't..." Then a swallow. I looked up at him, he looked so lost and alone. His eyes were bright. "I'm sorry, I just..." trailing off again. I just wanted him to for once, to finish what he meant. To actually say something.

"What?" I asked finally. Carson looked away from me, his eyes glistening, like he was about to cry.

"I'm sorry, I just...after...your dreams...you..." He took in a deep breath and looked at me. "You are so beautiful." He exhaled the breath, long and deep. "I can't get you out of my head. When you first saw me...when you first discovered me..." he swallowed. "I needed someone just then. You appeared, like a miracle. That night when you told me you dreamed about me, I couldn't stop wondering what about. That night, when you laid there, you were so perfect, I just wanted to touch you. You felt so happy to me, but I wasn't sure what it was that you were feeling, and I was afraid that you'd dreamed something terrible about me." He stopped then and looked at me. "I'm so sorry, I thought you'd never realize..."

I bit my lip. I'd been so excited, but now I just felt like I'd made the biggest mistake ever. I closed my eyes. "I really do love you. I really do." There that was it. That was all I could say. I opened my eyes to Carson's blank and shocked face and decided that this all really had been one big mistake. I turned around to leave, but Carson caught my hand before I could leave.

When our lips met it was the most real thing I'd ever imagined. It was just like my dream but yet it was nothing like my dream. His arms came around my waist and he hugged me close. He urged my mouth open, something that had never happened in my dream. His tongue was warm in my mouth and he put his hands on the side of my face and then put his hands in my hair. When we finally parted, he looked at me carefully. "Oh Clio," he finally sighed, a smile on his face.

A thought hit me. I didn't think he knew what I'd seen in his head, I thought that maybe it was just a fluke, but I was pretty sure he didn't know that I felt inside his head too. A tug of uncertainty pulled at me but for once, it didn't matter. It was so weird and lovely. My feelings were more magical than any butterflies or diamonds or stars. My feelings were more magical than dreams. The only thing that mattered was how I felt, right here, right now. I pulled his face towards me again, letting our lips touch. Kissing him softly, over and over again. Him kissing me, over and over again.

I wanted to bottle this feeling and keep it safe so I could remember this always. This feeling that even though there was so much wrong, there were so many questions and so many extraneous feelings between us, that this right here was perfect. That this right here was beautiful and that this right here was how everything was really supposed to be. My hands in his hair, his hands on my back, our lips parted for a moment. "Don't leave me," I whispered, just like my dream, even though that wasn't intentional.

Carson smiled and kissed my cheek. "I'm here."