Shadows of the World

It was Friday. Soon, I'd have to go be with Ant and Helena. I felt sick. I'd had no dreams in the past five days. And Carson hadn't been at school all week. The last time I'd seen him was on Sunday night, when I'd gone to his house, when I'd realized he'd made that dream of us together, when we'd kissed, when I'd told him I loved him. I'd been dissapointed on Monday. On Tuesday I'd called him. Wednesday I called again. Thursday I went to his house. His grandmother was there, saying he was too sick to see anyone. And today, today was Friday. Worry had been feeding on the back of my mind for five days now, and five days I'd been alone in my doubt. I couldn't tell my parents, they wouldn't care, Carson didn't go to Livingston Prep, he wasn't captain of the Water Polo team. I couldn't tell Helena, Carson didn't have a trust fund. I felt all alone with my worry and had no idea what to do with it all.

I was sitting in my backyard when Ant and Helena came. It was a cold night but I was still determined to sit outside. I was dressed to my mom's approval, but I didn't really care. I felt distracted and distraught and I couldn't make it go away. I pulled my phone out of my purse and dialed the number to Carson's house but never pressed the call button. Not only because I heard Ant's car drive up, but because I didn't know what I'd say to make me look not so obsessed with him. Except I already knew I was, which made it all a lot worse.

I pressed the clear button on my phone, put it back into my purse and headed out to the driveway, where Helena was getting into the backseat. "What are you doing?" I found myself asking her and she turned around to flash me a big smile. She wore a jean mini skirt and boots with a peacoat. I did a double take at her outfit. Who wears a miniskirt with boots on a cold night? Then I realized I shouldn't be so surprised. This was Helena I was thinking about.

"Getting into the back. You should sit up front," she said to me and I definitely caught the suggestion in it. I groaned quietly to myself but didn't say anything to her. What would I say? No thanks, I don't really like him. Oh, by the way, I actually don't feel like coming tonight. My almost-boyfriend, Carson, yeah you know, Carson Knight? He's really sick and I'm basically freaking out over here. Gosh, that would go over so well. I was quiet as I got into the car and looked at Ant. His face really hadn't changed one bit. His hair was still that in typical preppy boy sweep, his tan skin complimented his dark eyes which crinkled up as he smiled. His teeth were ridiculously white and straight, but I knew for a fact that he'd had braces.

"Hey Clio," he said in a voice that I just knew was supposed to make me like him all over again.

I smiled weakly. "Hey," I replied vaguely and felt a not so subtle kick to my seat. I turned my head towards Helena and glared at her, even when she glared right back. I knew I wasn't getting off on the greatest start, but she should have at least noticed that I didn't care at all when he'd been at the party the other night. Sometimes, I hated how shallow Helena could be. She meant well, I knew that, but she couldn't look past how cute Ant and I would be to see if I even liked him anymore, which I certainley didn't. She thought she knew me, but didn't. She was too busy thinking about how great it would be if we all could hang out together again, and how Ant would probably introduce her to other guys.

As we drove to the restaurant in silence, I started to feel guilty. Maybe that was how I'd been. I'd been so shallow and self-absorbed, that I hadn't even taken a moment to look up out of my bubble into the outside world. I'd been so happy in my tiny little circle of friends, I'd felt fine when put together with rich snobs and just the most pretentious people ever because I was just like them. If I'd just actually looked up for one second, just one moment, maybe I would have noticed Carson earlier. Maybe I would have come to him when he really needed it. Maybe I could have saved him from even trying to harm himself. It was a chilling thought.

I was subdued but tried to be social throughout dinner. Ant paid, although I was pretty sure it was his dad's credit card. We went to a restaurant in town that most families would go to if it was a special occasion. We went here because it was the only place kids like us went. Good, fancier food with nice casual attire. But we could have been wearing rags and still we could have eaten here. Our parents were some of the best costumers, because our parents would come here as if it were McDonalds. It sickened me, just a bit.

Trent had never come here with his friends. Trent had been an anomaly. He'd been one of those rich kids but he'd hung out with whomever he liked. He had friends that came from absolutely no money, and he didn't care. My parents, especially my mom, didn't like it, but he'd never given any thought to their opinions. I remembered how one time, he had a girlfriend who was absolutely broke. She was pretty, she was sweet and she was so smart, but eventually, my mom's guilt trip on my brother made him break up with her. I think that was his only regret. That he actually let her get to him. And I felt badly for him, too. I could handle my mom because I just went with everything she said and did, but Trent never wanted to be like her, or my dad. He wanted to be his own person...well, I hope he got his wish. He doesn't come home too much, so I don't think I'll ever really know.

The movie was some romantic comedy thing, and Ant put his arm around my shoulders during it. I leaned into him only enough to be polite, but didn't put my head on his shoulder or anything like that. I didn't want to give the wrong impression, but I still didn't want to hurt his feelings. I wished I could have been braver about it though, and just took his arm off. I wished I could have just said no, but I didn't want to make him upset. I think that maybe sometimes, I can be a bit of a pushover.

Ant took Helena home first, which made me a little nervous. I was even more nervous when I went to get out of his car and he grabbed onto my arm, stopping me. "Clio...I need to tell you something." I inwardly groaned and turned back to him. I didn't want to be here, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I hoped he wasn't about to tell me that he liked me (come on, we hadn't really spoken or hung out in a year), but I couldn't imagine what it could be that he wanted to tell me.

I just sighed instead and sat back down in the seat. "Yeah?" I asked, looking to my kitchen window and wondering if my parents were watching. How embarrassing would that be? Ant looked frusterated and a little nervous. It actually wasn't the reaction I was expecting. Ant was a pretty cool, collected guy. At least, he used to be, and all tonight he was. He had no problem putting his arm around me. What was making him so nervous? "Are you all right?" I asked, realizing that I actually did care for once.

Ant just nodded. "Listen. I just...wanted to say sorry. For the way I treated you a year ago. I shouldn't have been so mean to you. On the way over to your house tonight, Helena was telling me that back then, you really liked me. I didn't even notice. I'm so sorry because I was really stupid back then, and if I'd just opened my eyes, I would have seen that you were right in front of me. I guess I just wanted to say sorry...and maybe ask if you wanted to go out, just the two of us, sometime. Like a date."

I looked at Ant and tried to smile, just to be nice. "No, I don't think so," I finally said. There was only so much I'd do out of politeness. I wasn't going to date him, because I didn't like him. And he only liked me now that he knew that I'd liked him so long ago.

"Oh. Okay...that's all right," he answered, kind of stunned. I didn't reply and just left the car, wishing that that had never happened. I felt so guilty now that I'd said no, even though I knew it was the right thing to do. I couldn't date him, especially since I was in love with Carson and we were well...almost together, or whatever. I wouldn't do that to Carson and I wouldn't do that to myself. I didn't like him, I didn't want him and I had someone else. I couldn't tell him who, but, still. It just made me so uncomfortable to know that he only cared now, after he figured out I'd been so blindly obsessed with him a year ago.

I went into my house quickly and ran up to my room without saying hi to my parents, who were watching a movie in the den. I could hear the noise and didn't want to bother talking to them. I had nothing to say that they'd want to hear or even understand. I went into my room, closing the door behind me. I was going to just go to bed and sleep and tomorrow march on over to Carson's and demand that I see him-

"Clio."

I whipped around to see James Blanchard sitting on my bed. I stared at him. God, could tonight get any weirder? "Hi," I finally replied, not even bothering to ask how he'd gotten in. Frankly, I didn't want to know. Then I finally noticed that James looked very upset. He normally looked sort of sickly, but this was even worse. There were dark circles under his eyes, and the way he carried himself made it obvious he hadn't had much sleep. "What's wrong?" I finally asked. James stood up.

"You need to come with me. Carson wants to see you." His voice was calm, but sounded urgent. I felt my stomach drop and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I didn't say anything, just nodded. James went to a window in my room and opened it, stepping out. I stared at him. "I put your ladder against the window. Don't worry, it's all right," he said shortly, climbing down the ladder. God, why did I have to get myself into these situations? But I had to do it. I couldn't just waltz out of here with James, besides, my parents didn't even know I was home yet, so I could always just come through the front door when I got back. So I took a deep breath, swung myself out the window and climbed down the ladder like a pro. Once I was on the ground, James helped me to put the ladder back on the lawn, as if it had never been moved. Then James took off quickly across my backyard to the street with me following.

James drove quickly and silently through the streets, his apprehension obviously returning. I felt weird and awkward. "What's wrong with Carson?" I finally asked, not really even wanting to know. He didn't even answer, just kept driving. I noticed that his hands, on the steering wheel, were trembling. It made the entire situation even worse, and made me fret all the way over to his house. The second we were parked in Carson's driveway, I practically ran up the front porch steps and up the stairs to Carson's room, not even caring if James was behind me or not.

I burst into Carson's room, and could only think of last Sunday, when we'd been so happy together. Carson was lying in his bed with a thermometer in his mouth when I went in, but the second he saw me he took it out and jumped out of bed, rushing to me. His body collided against mine and he put his arms around me, pulling me close. "Carson, what's wrong?" I asked quickly, pulling him away from me. This was not the time for wishing things were perfect. This was the time for answers. Carson looked up to the doorway and I turned around, seeing that James had joined us. I pulled Carson's face toward mine. "Please. Tell me what's going on," I pleaded.

"I started coughing." Carson's voice was hoarse. "Like James. Coughing up blood." Something tightened around my throat. "I had a dream. Where you and I were together and you were letting me go down a long, black tunnel." Carson stopped talking so he could cough. It was an awful noise, a hacking, him trying to gasp for breath. James and I helped him back to his bed where he crawled in. I looked at James, feeling like my entire throat was closed up.

"It's worse the first week. Then it gets better. It's terrible, but not as bad as this," James explained. I could only nod faintly. I felt Carson's hands grasp onto mine. He pulled me towards him.

"I don't want to die," he whispered to me.

"You're not going to," I answered faintly. We looked at each other for a long time, we both knew what I'd said was a lie. I'd seen the dream with James. He and Carson were going to die. And the second I thought of that, tears fell from my eyes.

Carson just held onto my hands harder and pulled me even closer to him, so that our forheads were touching. I tried swallowing, but my throat was too tight. Carson closed his eyes and I looked at his scared face. "For the first time in my life, I really, truly want to live."