Shadows of the World

For the next few minutes it was quiet as my mind and heart battled each other. I didn't want to think about Carson lying to me, and I didn't want to believe it could be true. I looked at him, my almost boyfriend, my sort of love. He looked calm and serene. I remembered his words to me the night before. "For the first time in my life, I really, truly want to live." And he was living, he was breathing. How could I, with one stupid dream, just discount everything I'd felt for him so quickly? I didn't want to. I pushed my dream out of my thoughts (hopefully forever) and took Carson's hand within my own. He wouldn't lie to me.

"You feel...troubled," Carson said finally, and I looked at him, realizing that the calm and serene face I'd seen on him before was actually him trying to feel me out. I put on a brave face and gave his hand a reassuring squeeze.

"Just thinking. About school, you know." It kinda occured to me then that the person who usually lied in this relationship was me. So far I hadn't the slightest indication that Carson had ever lied to me, but I think he knew that sometimes, I lied to him about how I was feeling. He definitely looked like he knew I was lying, but he didn't say anything about it. It didn't help to make me feel any better about the situation. It honestly only made me feel worse. Knowing that a guy cares and respects me enough to leave me alone when he knows that something is up but that I don't want to talk about it is a big thing.

I leaned forward and turned up the radio in the slightest. Classical music floated out of the speakers, a simple and soft piano melody. I looked out the window and noticed that our town was now behind us. We drove along a road with a large golden field on one side and a deep forest on the other. I rested my head on the glass of the window and felt the car move around just a tiny bit from the wind. The trees passed by me like a splash of color: reds, greens, oranges, yellows and browns all flooded my periphery and I smiled, looking out the front window. The electrical line that ran parallel to us went on for miles and miles and I stared at it, just thinking.Thinking about the fact that we're all connected in some way. Even if its by the smallest thing as electrical lines, we're all connected by them. They extend everywhere, so no matter where you are, you know you can get somewhere with them, you can talk to someone, somewhere.

My head tilted to Carson, who finally looked relaxed. He glanced at me. "All of a sudden, the weight on your shoulders lifted," he said.

"I wish things could always be like this," I said with a smile I knew probably looked really silly.

Carson sighed and intertwined our fingers. They were like a maze that connected our hearts - they were our electrical wires making sure that we could always find each other, no matter how lost and alone we were. "Nothing ever stays the same," he said, sounding a little dishearted. But then he turned his head to me, smiling. "But I wish they could." The music made me feel like I was in a movie and I wished this could be our happy ending, but I knew that our story would probably never end. Not really.

"Do you still wish you could be normal?" I asked him.

Carson shrugged. In the near distance, I saw that we were reaching the end of the wide field. "I kinda like being special now..." he said, drifting off, then laughing, a little embarassed. "Just because I like doing things that make you smile."

I couldn't help the smile that came after that. "Even if you were the most average person on the planet, you'd make me smile," I told him, feeling a little stupid after I said that. It sounded a lot less corny in my head, but now I'd said it and I couldn't help it. To my chagrin, Carson did scoff a bit. "Sorry, that was lame." He grinned.

"A little. But I liked it anyway." It was quiet for a few moments as the song ended. Then Carson spoke agian, but this time, it was a little quieter. "You make me feel special, even when I am boring."

I laughed a little at that and squeezed his hand. "You're not boring! I like you, even when you're not changing things with your magical powers," I joked, and he grinned. The field ended and a long cemetary started, telling me that we were almost to the next closest town.

"They're not magical powers," Carson protested, but I just rolled my eyes. "They're not! I just make you believe what you want to believe. That's why I can do what I do with dreams. I thought I explained this to you already," he told me.

I shook my head. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, you did. I'm just giving you a hard time. You take things too seriously somtimes!" I countered. Carson just scoffed at that, but was quiet. We kept listening to the classical station as we got closer and closer to downtown.

"You know, you can change the channel, if you'd like," he said quietly.

I smiled. "I like this station." Carson pretended to look indifferent, but when he turned away, a smile spread on his face. I wasn't sure if it was because he was glad I liked the same kind of music as he did or because I just didn't think he was an absolute tool for listening to this stuff, which most of the kids in our school probably would if they knew, but the smile on his face was the one of a giddy five year old. It was a bit shallow, but it was sweet, and I liked him like this. I liked us like this. And the more I thought about it, I really just loved the concept of us in general, mostly because I loved him so much.

"Hey, whatever happened to that trust fund boyfriend Helena was trying to set you up with?" asked Carson, wagging an eyebrow at me. I laughed at first, because I knew he was just teasing me, but I felt something nag at me. Should I tell him about Ant? I didn't want to hurt him, and I didn't want him to think I liked him, and I didn't want him to think that me and Ant had any hint of a relationship whatsoever, because we didn't. I didn't want to stress Carson out, and I certainely didn't want to make him made, especially because we were so perfect like this, right here. "That weight just dropped on your shoulders again. Are you okay?" he asked, but I knew it wasn't really 'Are you okay' but more like 'Is there anything you want to tell me?'

I took a breath. "Last year, there was this...guy. His name is Anthony. I liked him a lot, but I never really got the feeling that he liked me back. We were close, but then we stopped being friends when Helena and his best friend, who were dating, broke up." Carson nodded, as if he understood. "Listen, I promise, I do not like him now, not even really as a friend, I swear."

"It's okay, I understand," he replied, giving me an encouraging smile.

"I just want you to know. He means absolutely nothing to me. But my parents, and Helena, are sort of convinced we're soul mates, so me, him and Helena went out to dinner and the movies last night, before I came to your house. It was just as friends, and he asked me out, and I turned him down flat. Because I love you, and you only. I promise."

Carson nodded. "Thank you for telling me." He sounded oddly stiff and I didn't need to be him to feel that something was on his mind. I opened my mouth to speak, but he beat me to it. "If you want...to date this Anthony person, please do it. I want you to be with someone who isn't going to..."

I frowned. "Don't say it."

Thankfully, he didn't say it. Instead, he just shrugged and we arrived in downtown. A red light stopped us and I took in a deep breath. It was weird, because I could feel the tension in the air, but I doubted it took anyone with abilities like Carson had to figure that one out. But it wasn't me, I wouldn't let it be me. I was okay, I was all right. It was Carson who was upset. I unlatched our fingers and rand my hand up his arm and over his shoulder and up his neck, into his hair. I ran my fingers through his hair. "Let's just be happy now, okay?" I asked. "Just for now."

A faint smile passed over Carson's lips and the light turned green. He turned into the parking lot of a small cafe. "The owners of Java Hut also own this place. It's got actual food instead of Java Hut which is slowly turning into a wannabe Starbucks ever since Dunkin Donuts moved in right across the street. However, this place has been able to relatively stay the same."

I stared at Carson in shock. "But I love the highly caloric bakery food from Java Hut!" I protested.

At this, Carson only scoffed. "Yeah, you and the rest of the United States of Obesity." I laughed at this one, which got him a satisfied smirk. I knew he probably would have felt really embarassed if I hadn't laughed, which was why I was extra glad that it was actually funny. And that he could actually be a funny guy, when he was being optimistic.

We got out of the car and walked into the cafe. The wind wasn't so strong here, but Carson still took my hand in his own anyway, as if one of us would blow away if the other didn't hold on. It was nice to have that contact, to know that there was someone holding onto me at the other end. I couldn't think of how it would be if anything actually did happen to him. If I couldn't find a way to stop it. If the red haired lady was somehow right about him and James...but I knew she wasn't right, so it didn't even really matter.

The hostess sat us down at a table in the corner, near a window. There were only a few other people with us, and the cafe was very closed in and cozy. I liked it a lot and I wondered if Carson ever came here with his grandmother. I bet they were close. She was all he really had. Well...before...before me. Carson looked out the window and then back to me, his eyes kind of quiet. "Hey. What's going to happen on Monday?"

For a moment, I totally forgot. "What do you mean, what's going to happen on Monday?" I asked.

He shrugged and sighed. "You know, I'm not exactly the prime choice for your friends and parents as you know...a boyfriend." The word boyfriend made me blush (oddly), but as annoying as it was, he had a point. I looked out the window and sat that there we were right next to a river. Sitting on top of the river were two ducks, one male, one female. They kept ducking down underwater and then popping back up. They never left each other, always stayed close by. "Besides the fact that the entire school thinks I'm a freak."

I cast a knowing glance at him after that. "Can you blame them? You go through school, day in and day out, never talking, never looking at anyone, always walking with a straight back, always looking like you're better than everyone else and that we're all completley inferior to you. You intimidate people, Carson. They call you a freak cause you've never made any attempt to make friends. Like, you know, a normal kid."

A sigh came from Carson's lips and I knew he was agreeing with me. I had a point, I knew I did. "I never had a reason for wanting friends...until now."

I felt my throat make a little noise of skepticism. Carson raised a brow at me. I cocked my head at him, throwing him a snarky smile. "Please, that is such a mask. You don't have to act tough and apathetic with me, you know. I know what you were thinking. I get it. You were lonely, but you didn't want anyone to know."

Carson shook his head. "And then you forced your way into my life," he joked.

I smiled. "You know you love me."

"I do." This was solemn. Carson gave me a grave look with only the barest hints of smiles. I felt fluttery and faint and about to vanish off, when finally the waitress came. She took our orders, took our menus and left, killing the somber and sweet moment that had been before. Carson smiled at me though and took my hand on top of the table. He swallowed and looked at me from underneath his lashes. It was unintentional, but he looked so sweetly, innocently beautiful that my breath caught in my throat and I had to force myself to exhale. "I want to be happy. I want to change my fate."

I nodded back softly and we just looked at each other for a long time without words. There seemed like so many reasons to be unhappy, but there was one reason to be happy, and that one reason made all the reasons to be unhappy just shrink into absolute nothingness. And that reason sat in front of me, looking soft, scared, silent and stunning.