Shadows of the World

Tonight is different. A beach, a long beach, a dark sunset with pink on the horizon. Fireworks, palm trees. This is paradise. Holding out my hand, sparkles dance in my palm, eyes upward, looking at the zillions of stars, going in every direction, every which way, everywhere. They are everything. I see myself in them, in the stars and I reach up to grab them. Looking down, lit torches sit out of the white sand tinted by the fading light. A warm breeze. Laying down, sand in my hair, sand in my dress, nothing matters, I don't care. Alone. I am alone, and I am happy. There is no greater happiness than this loneliness. I feel serene and calm, as if nothing could ever hurt me.

Someone is coming, I can feel them. Sitting up, a smile on my face, welcoming their presence. Their image focuses, clearer, clearer. Ant stands before me in a colorful shirt and dark pants. He smiles at me so strongly and sits down. Whiter than white teeth. His hand on the back of my head, running through my hair. Lips on mine, there is passion, there is love. Absolute happiness in this wonderful moment. Ant takes my hand and squeezes it. There is something I want to say, but there is too much spinning around my head to say it. There is no reason for words anyway, there is nothing besides us. We are one, we are harmonious. Ant lays me down again in the sand and his eyes glow above mine.

The sunset fading. The brush of twilight. Blinking up at the stars as the night sky around them becomes darker, they shine more brilliantly. I feel like I am glowing. And then, Ant pulling me up, we are sitting together, we we are bound together by our hands. There is something coming from the water. It is another figure. It is dark and it makes me fearful. It steps closer and closer to us and in the fast fading light, I see Carson, coming from the sea. He is pale, too pale, there are circles under his eyes that are so dark they could be bruises. His clothes are torn, there are open sores on his skin, he looks half dead.

Ant pulls me up. Half of me feels so afraid. And then there is a sparkling note, a hope against hope that thuds beneath me. My hand reaches towards Carson to take him into my arms. And then tugging away. Ant looking at me, afraid. Taking me away, I must go far away. Then James, with Carson, suddenly. Urgency. They must go somewhere. Somewhere beyond the sea, somewhere above, somewhere below. Somewhere, somewhere...Ant pulls me far away, but my head still watches them. A pulse in the dream, this is not right. Then suddenly, gone. Fear is replaced. Ant leans towards me. "They are tricksters. They will kill us."

And his face becomes one of the red haired lady's, and she grins at me, grins, but it is full of malice.

The dream haunted me throughout the school day. Carson and I were ignoring each other in school, even in study hall, so I couldn't tell him about it and I couldn't show him. It made the day go by slow and laboriously, like I was dragging my fingers through mud. Whenever I saw him our eyes would catch and I would try to convey in my head that I needed to talk to him, but his eyes would always slide away from my face and he'd keep moving forward in that apathetic facade of his.

I hated this. I hated not knowing what to do and not being able to pull Carson to me and scream out loud that I loved him. I hated the restriction that I felt deep within the crevices of my heart. It was like there was a tournaqet around me, cutting off all circulation.

He dissapeared as soon as school was over. I couldn't even ask him if he wanted me to come over. I couldn't even ask him to come over. I drove home alone and annoyed, kind of wishing that our relationship could just be simple. But even if we could be together without being outcasted by everyone I'd ever known when I was younger, I'd still have to deal with whole other side of our relationship. The side where he could change things and he made dreams. The side where someone was telling me that he had to die.

In study hall, he'd coughed and I'd wanted to react, but I'd pretended I didn't notice. He'd gone to the nurse and I'd wanted to follow him but I made myself sit still. I didn't fall asleep, I knew what a disaster that would probably be, and tried to busy myself with homework until he'd returned, ten minutes later. Since my incident, most people had forgotten about what had happened, but I was careful to fend off any feelings of drowsiness whatsoever.

When I got home, there was no one there. Typical. I wanted to go and see Carson, but I knew I should get homework done, so I made myself sit down at my desk in my room and get things done. My leg fidgeted the entire time I worked though, and I kept glancing at the phone, wondering if he would call me to ask if I wanted to come over. We could go out and do something, pretend we lived in a world where none of our complications existed. We could dissapear within each other, because now we weren't alone. But the phone stayed silent and so I kept working. Eventually the numbers and symbols in my math book liked like greek. I forced myself to finish and move on to something else, and finally, finally I was able to finish.

Then the phone rang. I picked it up with a cheerfule "Hello?", trying not to get my hopes up, but secretley wishing it was Carson.

"Hey," came from the other end. It wasn't Carson. It was...Ant. And my body felt cold, and I remembered the dream. I didn't want to say anything more, I just wanted to hang up the phone, but I couldn't now, because I'd already said something.

I took a deep breath. "Hi Ant," I said and I heard him exhale deeply on the other end.

"Clio, are you busy? Do you think I could come over and pick you up? I kinda...need to talk to you." I cringed. I didn't want to talk to him. Not now, not ever. He'd just try and convince me that I should date him, tell me it was in my best interest or something. "Listen, I won't ask you out again, okay?" he added and I pursed my lips. "Clio...please..."

I, unfortunately, cracked. "Okay. We can talk." I instantly regretted the words, but what was I going to do? I couldn't just leave him hanging when he apparantley needed to talk so bad. I would just have to deal with the drabble that was going on with him.

"Great. I'll be right there." With that he hung up and I stared at the phone. I could never remember Ant being so attentive. It was like he was a whole different person. He'd never asked to talk to me before, he'd never regarded me as anything more than just a friend of the family. Even though he'd been such a big part of my life, I'd never been important to him. There was a stab of pain in my stomach, but it wasn't like it used to be, which I was so glad for. Maybe I'd just come clean with him and tell him that I had a boyfriend- well sort of. I would if he tried anything. I didn't exactly trust him. But I couldn't help but just listen. I closed my eyes and thought of my dream. It had been so scary, probably the scariest dream I'd had. Scary because I'd been so afraid of Carson, and I didn't want to be afraid of Carson.

When Ant arrived a few minutes later, I was already at the door. I went outside, it was finally getting cold, and got into his car. "Please let this take only a few minutes, okay?" I asked.

Ant smiled sheepishly. "I guess I sort of deserve that. For the way I treated you last year," he said and I turned away from him and rolled my eyes out the window. I didn't answer him, and let him think that I was snappy because I cared so much. Ant pulled out of my driveway and drove across town to the local pond. It was silent in the car as he drove, and I wasn't going to be the person to initiate a conversation. When we arrived at the pond, Ant killed the engine but didn't get out of the car.

I looked at him and realized that he looked nervous. I scowled. I knew he was going to try and ask me out again. I'd just finish this before it started. "Ant. Listen, I should just tell you right now that I have a boyfriend, okay?"

He looked at me, surprised. "That's not what I was going to say- wait, who?"

At that, I groaned. He wasn't going to try and ask me out again, and I had just spilled the whole me and Carson secret. I should have just kept my big mouth shut. In my seat, I squirmed. "You uh, wouldn't know him."

Ant laughed, a little nervously. "If you don't want me to tell Helena, I won't. Who is it?" he asked again.

"Carson Knight," I suddenly spit out. "Please don't tell Helena, please," I added, rushed. I thought I'd feel completley mortified after admitting it to someone who would just taunt me for being with Carson, but instead, it just felt really nice. And I felt really relieved. Probably because there was no way Ant would know Car-

"Carson Knight?!" Ant exclaimed, sounding incredulous and a little...something else. I squeezed my eyes shut and wished I'd never said anything. I just had to keep putting my foot in my mouth. Stupid, stupid, stupid me.

"How do you know him?" I asked, shrugging my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them.

Ant cleared his throat. "Well uh. He used to go to Lancaster Day." I stared at him. Lancaster County Day School was the private elementary and middle school that all the rich, preppy kids would go to before they went to Livingston Prep. "He was really popular. His mom was a teacher there, everyone loved her. Then she and his dad died...and Carson dissapeared. I thought he'd moved. I guess he just couldn't go to the school that his mom taught at." I looked at the pond in front of us. There were a bunch of picnic benches, and I remembered coming here when I was younger with my mom, dad and Trent. Back in the days when everything was easier. "But, uh," Ant started again. "I guess Carson is a good segueway to what I want to talk about."

"What do you mean?" I asked, sharply.

"You do know that Carson isn't...normal, right?" he asked.

I scowled. "Why does everyone assume he's a freak just cause he's quiet?"

"That's not what I mean." Ant looked at me carefully. "Do you know what Carson...can do?" he questioned quietly.

My eyes went wide. "Yeah...but why do you know?" I answered.

Ant sighed. "That's sort of what I wanted to talk to you about..." He smiled a tight smile. "Hold out your hand," he commanded. I did, with a growing fear in my stomach. Flashbacks of my dream kept coming. It felt like I was watching Ant slowly as he picked up a couple pennies that were in his cupholder and held them in his fist. He put his fist over my hand and opened up his hand. From his hand fell sparkling gold dust. I stared at Ant.

"Not you too," I mumbled. Ant only nodded. "Why...did you need to tell me?" I asked, in a strangled voice.

Ant leaned towards me and put his hand on my shoulder. "She told me I had to. We have to listen to what she says. You have to listen to what she says to do. You can't disobey. You have to let them die, Clio. Either they die, or you do."