Shadows of the World

I didn't want to believe that Ant was right, even though he'd explained it to me so thoroughly. He'd seen the lady in in his dreams, who had told him to tell me what he was, and had given him a message to pass on. He didn't really know what it meant, but I did. And it made me so scared to know that it meant that she really did exist, and that it wasn't just all in my head. I'd been hoping that maybe I was going crazy. I'd been hoping that I'd just continue to have awful dreams, but that nothing would happen to Carson and James, because it had been all in my head. I knew that wasn't the case now. Carson and James were going to die. And if I didn't let them die, I'd die.

I didn't understand how it worked, still. How could I be not letting them die? I was just living my life, trying to get from one day to another without something really terrible happening to me. Frankly, I was just trying to survive. How could I be responsible for the fate of these two people? I didn't want them to die. It almost gave me hope to know that whatever I was doing (whatever it was), was helping them. I knew I was doing something the lady didn't like. That made me feel better, somehow.

Ant's words stayed close to me for a long time after he said them. He'd taken me home after he'd told me what he did, but that was because I'd asked him to drive me home. I didn't want to hang out with him, I didn't want to talk to him, frankly, I didn't care about him. He'd driven me home, I'd gone upstairs and I'd gone to bed at 4 pm and had no dreams. I'd woken up, gone to school, seen Carson but couldn't talk to him, hadn't seen James and felt worried, gone home, gone upstairs and that's where I was right now. I felt like my whole had day had been a complete blur, because I'd only been able to think about what Ant had said to me yesterday. I almost wanted to call him up and ask him if it was really true, and how did he know, and what had she exactly said...but I realized it would be useless. It was real, he was real. He'd told me what she'd said, word for word. There was nothing I could do except try and plead with her.

I'd been planning on doing that. Before I'd gone to bed yesterday afternoon, I'd pleaded to myself to have her come to my dream, and to have me beg to get Carson and James back, beg to just let them go, let us go. But my dreams had been blank, or they'd been trivial enough for me to just forget them. So I'd woken up this morning with a really terrible feeling of loneliness.

The phone rang far away, but I didn't answer it. My mom, who was home this afternoon, took it downstairs, and I rolled over on my side, trying to block out the world, trying to plead again, asking my subconscious to bring me the lady again, so I could ask for her to leave us alone. "Clio!" I heard from downstairs. I sat upright.

"Yes?" I called back, my voice somehow hoarse.

"Phone's for you!" she responded and I picked up the phone at the side of my bed.

Steadying my breathing and trying not to get my hopes up, I said into the phone my best nonchalant, "Hello?"

"Hey," came Carson's reply. My mouth turned up at the corners instantly. I couldn't help it. I was happy he'd called, because for these past two days I'd felt so far away from him. I wanted to tell him all about the lady and what she'd said to me, I just wanted to come clean and let him see my dreams, but he started talking first. "Listen, I think you should come over here. James...he's..."

And that good feeling, that feeling of just wanting to tell him everything, that feeling of wanting to clutch onto his hand so I didn't have to go alone through this, it melted away. "What happened?" I asked quickly.

Carson sighed and I could feel his anxiousness over the phone. "I don't know. He's sick." I swallowed. "I mean, much sicker than he was. I don't know, it's...scary." Carson was quiet, but I didn't know what to say, because there was nothing I could say to make him feel better. Carson coughed one cough that turned into several nasty sounding coughs. I stood, my stomach swirling and my heart pounding and squeezing. "I don't know what you can do, but I don't want to be alone right now..."

"I'll be right there. Don't move," I answered. I grabbed my bag and slid on my shoes. I was downstairs in no time and was planning on just running out the front door when my mom stopped me.

She looked like she wanted to talk, which I really didn't want. "Who was that?" she asked casually, but I knew she'd heard an adolescent boy's voice and instantly had thought 'Potential Boyfriend!' I wouldn't be surprised if she was wondering, right now, what kind of parents he had (AKA how much did they make) and how big his trust fund was.

I just scowled a little bit. "No one mom. I have to go out, though. I just realized that Helena had asked me to come over and help her with some math homework. I totally forgot I was supposed to do that, so she's probably kinda wondering where I am." I was surprised at how smooth my lie was.

My mom only nodded, albeit just a bit slowly. "Okay...we'll talk when you get back, okay?" I was in no mood to contemplate that cryptic message, so I just decided to book it out of there. Besides, at that moment, James needed me. Carson needed me. For the first time I had a purpose. For the first time I was more than just another part in the amourphous blob, for once I was more than just another wealthy daughter who was going to have a great and predictable future. For once, I was somebody, and I was somebody with people I cared enough about to want to help and save. I had a purpose now, and it filled me with a sense of direction as I drove off to Carson's house.

The drive there seemed much longer, but I tried to put that feeling out of my head. When I finally got to his house, I looked around me for a moment, letting go of a deep breath that I hadn't even realized I was holding in. Carson's house was surrounded by the fading light of the day. In the distance, the sky was pink and the tall trees of the forest were getting too dark to see each individual tree. Somewhere in that forest was the place that Carson had taken me to, that first night. Back then, when I hadn't even had to think about the possibility of anything happening to Carson, back then when the idea of James had just been an urgent feeling in the pit of my stomach. I looked at Carson's house. Why had they given me those dreams about Carson, just to try to get me to pull away from him?

Sighing, I threw away (or tried to) all those thoughts and ran inside the house. It was warm inside, and I was met by Carson's Nana, who was carrying blankets. "Oh, Clio, dear! Did Carson call you?" she asked. Taking the blankets from her, I nodded yes. "He's very worried about James...and I am too. That poor boy just drove up here, shivering and shaking. After awhile, I found out that he'd been living out of his car this entire time. He doesn't have any family. His parents died when he was young, just like Carson's, and he has no other family. He'd been living with some friends until he got the dream that told him to come here," she explained.

"So you know all about what Carson...can do?" I asked.

Nana nodded. "Of course. My daughter, Carson's mother, could do it. Carson's father could do it too. It was a given that Carson be granted the same powers as his parents..."

"But Carson doesn't seem to think they're powers." Nana just shrugged as we went up the stairs. I stopped her and leaned in to her, speaking quietly. "Nana...I understand if you don't want to tell me, but...what exactly happened to Carson's mom and dad?" I questioned.

Nana looked pained, but she looked upstairs to make sure no one was coming. "I haven't told Carson this. I know it would hurt him so badly if he found out, and I don't want to think about what he would do." I felt a chill pass through me. What did she mean? Nana took a deep breath. "I believe Carson told me that he explained to you how his parents died in a fire. We used to have a large barn here, and they were trapped in it one night and it caught. Carson and I were out for the night. When his parents were still alive, Carson and I would go out to dinner every Friday night and let his parents have a date. I didn't live here then, I lived on the other side of town. But one night, the barn caught. But the thing is...it wasn't on accident."

My whole world seemed to flip upside down. "What?" I asked faintly.

"Lenore and George didn't agree with some of the rules the elders had about the dreams. Sometimes they would break the rules, even though back then, some of the rules were just so silly! However, I warned Lenore that they shouldn't go against the elders, even if the rules were ridiculous. She only laughed. She never thought they'd figure it out, but they did. I'd never thought they'd do what they did, and when Lenore and George died, I thought it was a tragic accident." Nana closed her eyes after this. "But two nights later, I was visited in my dream by a tall lady with red hair in a blue dress. She told me that their deaths had been no accident. They had gone against the elders, and so the elders had killed them."

I felt lightheaded. "You should tell Carson," I answered. Nana shook her head no, and I wanted to tell her to tell him, but I couldn't find the words. Instead, I just kept up the stairs with the blankets. What if Carson had done something to avenge his parents? What if he knew already and had gone against the elders because he was angry about his parents? I had no idea how he would have known about how their deaths weren't an accident, but maybe he'd had a dream too, and never had told his grandmother. My spine tingled, and I decided that I wouldn't bring it up with him. At least, not now. Not when James was sick and not when Carson was already afraid.

Carson was hovering over his bed when I came in. James was lying there, asleep, but he looked terrible. His face was pale and blotchy, and there were dark circles around his eyes, almost as if someone had punched him in both eyes. He fidgeted awfully, and every few moments, Carson would wipe away some sweat that was coming down from James's face. "Maybe he's hot," I said suddenly and Carson turned around instantly to face me.

"Everytime we take off blankets, he gets a terrible chill." Carson's own face was ashen. I ran up to him and put my arm around his waist, leaning myself into him.

"It'll be okay," I told him, trying to comfort him, but I knew it wasn't really working. Carson did not relax. I put the blankets onto Carson's bed and wrapped my other arm around his waist and just held onto him. I watched James, sleeping fitfully. Would this be how Carson became soon? I looked up at his face. His expression was the same apathetic sheild he wore at school. Now I knew differently. Now I knew that the face was for protection. Protection from his own vast and various emotions. I could feel them inside of him, bubbling around. I didn't know how I could feel it, but I knew that he was confused and upset and angry and scared.

Finally, I felt him sigh, but I couldn't feel that any of his unhappiness was gone. I let go of his waist and grabbed onto his hand. "Come on," I said quietly, but he didn't budge.

"What about James?" he asked.

"Nana is right here. She'll take care of him. She'll want you to get your mind off of him for a moment." Carson didn't look convinced. I let go of his hand and let the distance between us consume us. I wanted to be happy, but I was afraid that because of everything around him, I could never get close. One moment he'd be sparkling and then the next, he'd be afraid. Was I really that insignificant that I couldn't make him happy in his darkest times? He was enough for me. Couldn't I be enough for him?

"You're sad," Carson stated after a few moments. His eyes had perked up just a bit, and for a second, he looked like he actually cared. "When you came in you were troubled, I could feel it. But now you're just...unhappy."

I ran a hand through my hair and looked away. "I know that there is a lot that you've been through. Your parents and the things you can do and things you have to live with. Now with James...and I know your future is uncertain. I know that you have a lot to be afraid and upset about, but I was hoping, just hoping that I could make you feel better. But I guess not," I said. Carson just stared. "I'm stupid, I know, I'm sorry. I just wish that I could make you the kind of happy that you make me." He was still silent. "Maybe I just have a silly fantasy about what love is supposed to be like. And maybe I wish that you'd just smile to me in the hallways sometime."

"I'm the freak, Clio. Not you." Carson's words were soft in volume, but hard in tone. "You're the one with the reputation to keep. I'm the one you can't be seen with."

I wrapped my arms around myself. "Yeah, well, I'm not exactly normal, if you haven't realized it. And if you could, for just one second, stop being so self-absorbed and stop being obsessed with how badly your life is going, you might have realized that a lot of things, scary, terrible things are happening to me, too."

Carson laughed, bitterly. "Please, Clio. You have a perfect life. How can anything be going wrong?" he asked, a sarcastic smile painted on his face. I took a step away from him and felt my body go numb.

"Yeah. Of course. How can anything be wrong with perfect little Clio? That's right, Carson. You're the only one who has problems. The world owes you. Keep thinking that, and maybe it'll come true." With that, I turned around. I hoped that maybe he'd call after me, grab me, make me feel happy again, but he let me leave. He just let me go.