Shadows of the World

I couldn't believe it. I was calling him. And it went against everything I ever wanted to do, and I really dreaded calling him but the thing was...I didn't want to do this alone. What had happened the last time we were together still confused and upset me, but I had to know if there was anything he wasn't telling me. I needed some answers. And I just wanted someone to talk to. But I still dialed his phone number with dread and when he answered, I took a deep breath. "Hi Ant."

"Clio?" came his reply, as if he was surprised I'd call him. Well, I was surpised I was calling him. But the whole thing with Carson and then my dreams...I just needed some answers, and the only one I could really talk to about all this was Ant. He would understand, and he wouldn't judge me for feeling the way I did about Carson. He must have regained his bearings, though, because he added on quickly, "How are you?"

I sighed. My first instinct was to tell him that I was fine, because that was what I knew I was expected to say. Perfect Clio should always be "fine", no matter what. But I swallowed and answered, "Not great. I need to talk you."

Ant's shock was nearly audible over the telephone line. "About...the dream I had?" he asked.

"About...everything." I heard him laugh over the other end and even though I knew I should feel irked, it just made me feel calm. I was suddenly and sharply reminded of the time when I had liked him so much. Even though he never seemed to know that I liked him, he always had been funny, nice, and most of all, understanding. He knew how our parents could be, he knew how awful it was to live in the kind of world we lived in. That polished, manicured little bubble of a world where nothing bad ever happened...he knew that was all a lie. I knew Helena knew that too, but I couldn't tell her about Carson...I just couldn't.

"I'll be over there soon, okay?" was his answer.

I nodded physically and then smiled. "Yeah. Thank you."

Ant exhaled deeply. "No problem. See you soon." He hung up then, and I collapsed onto my bed. It had been an entire day since my fight with Carson. I thought that maybe I'd just wake up the next day and it would have never happened. When I realized it had happened, a sickly feeling had settled in the bottom of my stomach. I'd gone to school, trying to feel hopeful, that maybe he'd smile when he saw me in the hall, but he just ignored me and looked away, the facade of apathy scrawled onto his face. It made me angry and terrified, and all day I'd tried to go different routes through my school, just so I wouldn't have to see him. Study hall was hard, but I'd resolutley read a book and pretended that he didn't even exist...even when he seemed to take up the entire room. His warmth and light and soul seemed to eminate from him and I wanted to bottle it all up and keep it with me, just to pretend that everything was okay.

Nothing was okay, though. And that was the problem. Last night I'd had no dreams, which made me think that mabye I was free from the lady in blue, but I wasn't about to hold my breath. Yesterday, there had been a few times when I thought I'd seen her in the crowd of kids in the hall between classes. Other times, I'd turn a corner and get the faint feeling of anxiousness. James didn't come back to school, which made me terrified. His health could be declining...either way, it was obvious he wasn't getting better. Carson would be bedridden soon, too. But how was I keeping them alive?

I still didn't know. I wondered if I'd ever find out. My doorbell rang and I picked up my jacket and my bag and dashed downstairs. My mom would be home in about an hour, I knew, so I left a note for her explaining that I was hanging out with Ant and that all my homework was finished. She'd just be happy that I was with Ant and not the mysterious boy from the phone.

It was cold outside, but still nice. The sun was shining, but there was a slight haze of clouds hanging low in the sky. Ant sat in his car and waved to me when I came out. I smiled back, feeling a little relieved. Even if I didn't feel the same way about him that I did Carson, it would still be nice to talk to someone who, well, understood everything that was going on.

The car was warm when I got in. Ant smiled up to me, showing all of his ridiculously white teeth. "Hi there."

Smiling back, I buckled myself into the car. "Hey," I answered. Ant left my house quickly and I watched it dissapear in the rear view mirror. "So where are we going?" I asked him, turning my eyes to the front.

Ant chuckled just a little bit. "I actually thought you'd tell me. I have no idea where we're going." His eyes looked bright, though, so I doubted he was too worried about where we were going or where we were going to end up. I felt a little awkward, just because I had the slight feeling that maybe he still liked me, but I felt pretty sure he wouldn't try anything. "I'll find somewhere where we can just stop and talk and not have to worry about anyone bothering us," he assured me. I nodded and sat back in the seat.

We drove around town for a few moments before Ant settled on the empty back parking lot of a church. He parked in the corner and kept his engine running. I felt the car tremble underneath me and unbuckled myself. Ant turned to me. I shifted myself so I was facing him. "I just...had a bad fight with Carson, and needed someone to talk to."

Ant smiled slowly. "So you want someone to complain to about your boyfriend? I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not a girl..."

I grinned and shook my head. "No, I don't want to complain about Carson to you. And I know you're not a girl, but you're the only who knows about me and Carson...well except his friend James, but he's very sick and staying with Carson so that's not a possibility. I guess what I needed to talk to you about was what me and Carson fought about."

"What did you fight about?" Ant promptly questioned.

I took a deep breath. "He seems convinced that I have a perfect life, that everything is going well and that he's the only one who needs to be afraid." Ant didn't look like he understood. "I don't really know the particulars of your dream, so I don't know how much you know, but you see, the people the lady in your dream was talking about was Carson and his friend James. They're getting sick, and I've been having dreams. At first I was just dreaming with this feeling of urgency with James, who is the same as you and Carson. Then the lady came to my dream and told me that I had to let them go, I had to let them die or something bad would happen to her. Then the morning before you told me what you did, I had a dream about you. Well, not you exactly, but you were with me and you were telling me the same thing that the lady had told me. And Carson and James there and they were all messed up..." I didn't know what else to say. I looked at Ant, who was just listening to me intently.

He sighed a long sigh and shook his head. "The dream I had was not very informative. The lady comes to us whenever we must make a dream for someone, so I figured she was just going to tell me someone that I needed to make a dream for. But this time she came to me and told me that I needed to tell you who- what I was. And then she gave me the message to pass onto you. All she said was 'tell Clio Pattinson that either they die, or she will.' I don't know much about it all Clio, because I feel fine."

The sun was peeking out of the haze and I leaned back in my seat and shut my eyes. "I just don't know what it all means. Why are they getting sick and not you? Why is it them who have to die?" I opened my eyes. "She told me that it was me who had to let them go, as if I'm doing something to keep them alive. She told me I was very special, but I don't feel any different at all." Looking up at the sky, I tried to see something, anything. "She said something about how humanity lies in the stars..."

Ant looked up to the sky. "There was this one story that my mom used to tell me about how the stars were apparantely the souls of every person in the world. Whether they were living now, they had lived at one time, or they were going to live in the future, they had a star. And when finally, finally everyone had forgotten about someone, their star extinguished." He just shrugged and laughed a little. "It was just a story, but I used to be afraid that my star was going to extinguish out."

We sat, together, trying to see the stars in the hazy afternoon sky. There was nothing there, or, nothing we could see. "Well, all stars die at one point or another. I guess in the end, we're all forgotten."

Ant continued to look as I sat back. Then he abruptly turned to me. "You should tell Helena about Carson."

Casting my eyes downward, I smiled. "Yeah, you're right. I'm just afraid."

I felt Ant cover my hand with his own and I looked at him. "We're all afraid," he told me. With that, he took his hand off of mine, put the car into drive and we drove back to my house in silence. I just watched the familiar buildings in town and listened to the radio, which Ant had turned to his favorite Alternative station. He dropped me off in silence and a wave and left me, alone, in my driveway. I took a deep breath and went into my house, taking my phone out of my pocket.

Helena picked up on the first ring. "Hey stranger!" she said and I winced. There were never truer words. I was a stranger. To her, and to myself.

"Can you come over?" I asked. "Like, now?"

"Sure!" Helena quipped. "See you in a few." With that, she ended the call. I smiled. It was like she didn't blame me at all for being a total alien these past few weeks. I knew I was different and I knew she could tell something was up. Now, now I was going to tell her. Ant was right, we were all afraid at one point or another, but I couldn't be afraid of my feelings for Carson. And I couldn't be afraid of what anyone would say any longer. I didn't care anymore.

Helena arrived quickly, and I watched her dash out of her car. She was only wearing a light sweatshirt and I smiled. Typical Helena. She never would wear clothes that matched the current weather. She was always either too cold or too hot. She ran into the house, her pretty face glowing red with exertion. "I was as quick as I could be," she explained and I smiled. I wandered into the living room and collapsed onto the couch. She did the same and it made me think of all the times she'd sat down on this couch to cry or laugh about something...usually a boy. Now it was my turn.

I took a deep breath. "I'm dating Carson Knight." Not exactly true, but it would work.

Helena just cracked a smile. "Finally!" she exclaimed.

My mouth flew open. "What?" I stared at her. "Wait...you knew?"

"Well...duh." Helena rolled her eyes, but she was smiling. "You started acting weird, so I figured it had something to do with a guy. I started watching you closely and realized the person you were making goo-goo eyes at was Carson Knight."

"You don't...think he's a freak?" I asked her.

Helena shrugged. "I don't really think anyone does. Everyone's just intimidated by him, you know? He walks around all day, looking like he's better than the whole universe. He's kind of daunting...I was surprised that you liked him, just because sometimes, I think he just hates everyone."

She was totally and completley right. It wasn't me who was the problem. It was him. He said he didn't look at me or talk to me because he was a freak and I couldn't be seen with him or else my social standing would go down the tube. But Helena was right. He walked around all day like he was king of the universe. I didn't, and I never had. It made me realize that he was the one who didn't want to be seen with me. He had spent so much putting on that apathetic sheild, and to take it off would mean that he was actually human. To be seen with someone, and someone like me, no less, would make him...uncool or something. I looked at my best friend and nodded my head. "Well, okay then. I'm going to tell everyone how I feel. I'm going to do it. I'm Carson Knight's girlfriend, whether he likes it or not."