Shadows of the World

A Bright Light.

Carson had just moved, just a little bit. But I took this as my only opportunity. It was almost getting light out and I didn't have much time left to see if I was right about all of this. "Carson?" I asked quietly, leaning over him, putting my weight on him. I heard him groan just a bit. "Carson, please, wake up, this is important." I didn't tell him that I'd been waiting for about two hours to see if he'd move at all. He hadn't...until now. So I'd been waiting for him, but now I didn't have much time. Funny, it seemed like that was just how my life was these days. Not enough time.

"Hm?" came his sleepy reply. I shook him just a bit and lay kisses on his cheek and neck. "Yes...yes," mumbled Carson, his voice thick. He pushed me off of him just a bit so he could turn to me and meet my lips. We kissed softly, lightly, but Carson's eyes were closed and I knew he was half asleep.

It wasn't until I tried to pull him up that he finally opened his eyes. "What are you doing, Clio?" he asked, sounding exhausted. He was very hot and I wished his fever would go down, even though I knew it wouldn't. I just continued to pull him up until his eyes were completley open. "Clio, what's wrong?" he asked again, and this time, his voice was a little bit more awake.

"I think I figured something out and I need to talk to you about it...but not here." Carson looked surprised.

"What do you me-"

"Will you take me to your secret place?" I asked, cutting him off. He stretched, sighed, and rubbed his eyes, but we crept out of his room so we wouldn't wake up James, who was still peaceful. Carson and I were very quiet as we tiptoed out of his house and around it and through his backyard, across the large field. The tall, dead grass was frozen now, which made it harder to walk on. The night was cold, so unlike the other night we'd come here. I grabbed onto Carson's hand and we held on tightly to each other as we entered the deep woods. It was different tonight, and I looked up at the trees. They seemed darker and quieter, but I wasn't really surprised. Most of the bugs - the cicadas and crickets - were dead now. They couldn't take this cold. The only noises were the occasional ruffle of branches or flap of wings. We breathed heavily, and I could see my breath in a cloud before me, even in the darkness. The moon was bright and filtered through the dark trees.

And then we were there, the same place we were before. By now, the Weeping Willow trees that had looked so majestic before had lost most of their leaves. Now they were mostly bare branches, dipping deeply into the clear mirror of water. And on that water, I saw the moon and all the stars and I knew that I was right, even though it was so magical and wonderous, I hardly wanted to believe it.

Carson laid down on the ground and I did too, huddling up close to him. It was cold but he was so hot. And I looked up to the stars and I could see a precise one, I could pick it out of the millions of stars in the sky. It seemed to be thumping, thumping in time with Carson's heart. "Did you ever hear about the story about the stars? And how they were supposedly the souls of every single person in the world? People who had lived, people who are living, and people who haven't lived yet...they all have their own stars?"

He laughed quietly. "Yeah, everyone's heard that one. It's just a bedtime story."

I was silent as I watched the star thump. It was faint, but not as faint as the one next to it. My eyes slid to Carson's face and he looked at me. His eyes were bright and careful, and it made me feel like he was really, actually watching me, and not just looking. Like it was really important to him to look at me. For a moment I couldn't speak, but then I remembered. "It's not," I whispered. "It's not just a bedtime story."

Carson looked at me strangely. "Listen, I'm past being shocked by anything that sounds a little...odd. But would you mind explaining that, please?" He then grinned a silly grin and I felt the corners of my mouth turn up.

"You know I will." My voice was clear in the darkness and I looked up at the stars once more before turning back to him. "I told you how I'd been having dreams where the lady in blue came to tell me to let you and James die, right?" I asked. Carson nodded. "I had no idea how I was keeping you alive, and I'm still a little confused on that one...but you see, I just had a dream with her in it. She gave me a message, and it was a little vague, but I figured it out."

"And...?"

"She told me that I keep the stars. She said 'let their stars fade, let their souls pass'...and I realized that the story about each star being the soul of a human being is true. And for some reason, I keep the stars. I keep the souls. I didn't know it before now, which was why I never had any power over anyone. But because I don't you to die so badly, my will is keeping your stars from fading...it's keeping your souls from dying." Carson just stared at me. "I know it's hard to believe. But like it or not, you are magical. I don't care if you think its illusion, because I know it's magic."

He sighed a deep sigh. "So she told you that you...keep the stars? And that you should let our stars fade?" he asked.

"Yes. But I'm not going to let them fade. Now that I know what I can do...I'm going to fight even harder." My voice was strong and I was resolute.

Carson looked angry. "But didn't she say either you died, or we did? I already told you, I'm not letting you die."

I met his hot gaze. "And I'm not letting you die." We stared at each other for a long time, both of us waiting for the other to back down. Finally Carson looked away and shook his head.

"I guess we're deadlocked."

I scoffed. "Not really. I wouldn't stop fighting to keep your stars from fading even if you begged me too. I have the better end of the stick here, mister."

It was silent after that. Carson was just looking at the stars. I huddled into him more, listening to his heart thump. It was in perfect time with the soft star, and as I looked at the sky, I finally saw that many of the billons of other stars were also pulsating, too. Each to their own times. And I realized then that everyone must have their own beat. I wondered if I could feel out each person's stars but the way their heartbeat sounded. I bet I could. "In the story, even people who have died have their own stars. I wonder why...ours fade?" he asked.

"Maybe it's because you're too beautiful for the sky," I told him.

Carson looked at me, a slight smile on his face. "Or maybe we're just freaks." He took a deep breath. "Clio, you cannot tell anyone about this. Well, you can tell James, but no one else. Do you have any idea what would happen if people found out you could...well...prevent death?"

I considered that, and I hadn't really thought about it. What if everyone knew? Did this mean that I could never go to the hospital, like James and Carson? Did this mean that I was like them now? If people knew about what I could do, it would be...terrible. I could never tell anyone except Carson and James. I couldn't tell my parents, I couldn't tell my friends, no one. And I could never use my...ability on anyone besides Carson and James. I could and would not interfere with the natural order of things. I would save them because their illness was not natural, and I knew that. But I couldn't save anyone else. Closing my eyes, I thought of what would happen if people found out...

"Yeah. I can't ever let anyone but you guys know. And you can never, never tell." After I said that, I felt sort of foolish. And I looked at Carson, who had lifted an eyebrow ironically. But then he smiled.

"Maybe I won't die after all," he said. There was some unexpected hope in his voice. I felt his heart beat just a little bit faster and my eye was caught on his star, which flared brilliantly for a moment. I watched as Carson touched the frozen ground between us and beautiful yellow tulips bloomed instantly. For a moment we were lying in a field of flowers and the stars all twinkled just a little brigher and the moon shone even more and I could feel a warm breeze. But it dissapeared quickly and we were left in the dark. I laughed softly.

Carson looked at me softly and put a hand around my head, pushing himself on me. And suddenly, everything changed. It was freezing, but my cheeks burned. His eyes and mine were locked and his head lowered and lowered. When our lips touched, it felt different than any other time. It was soft and fluttery but hot and unbearable. My hands went to hair and he made a soft noise against my lips. His hands touched my skin underneath my sweatshirt and teeshirt. And suddenly I realized that this was not a dream. This was not like my dreams. This was reality. This was me and Carson, outside, in the cold, together. I couldn't decipher my feelings, because my heart was making too much noise to even think of anything else. We parted for a moment and I opened my mouth, but Carson spoke. "I'll keep you warm, I promise."

His eyes were so sincere. I swallowed and nodded, already forgetting what I was going to say before. This had happened in my dreams before, I had felt it, we'd been together before. But those, those were only dreams, only illusions. This was real, this was us. I wanted to be brave, like my dreams, but I was so scared.

He took his clothes off first and then mine. With each layer that was taken away, the cold set in on me even deeper. But Carson held me close and his fever-ridden body did keep me warm, if only a little bit. His teeth were chattering and there were goosebumps on his arms. I felt them and the soft hair that stood up. I didn't look at him, only at his face. He kissed me softly over and over again. "I love you, I love you," he mumbled. I nodded, I couldn't breathe, let alone speak.

It was nothing like my dream. It hurt. A lot.

We were awkward and it wasn't beautiful, but it was something, and I was still happy in a strange way. Carson was scared, unlike the way he'd been in his dream. I wasn't dissapointed, though. I was scared, too. And he repeated 'I'm sorry', everytime I made a noise of pain. Eventually, though, the pain ended. I didn't feel the way I did in my dream, but I did still feel something. When I looked up to the sky, I could single Carson's star out and it was burning brighter than ever. I listened to my own heartbeat and found my own star. It was burning just as brightly. This wasn't perfect, because it was love. Love could never be perfect. Love could only be us.

When it ended, our breathing was heavy and came out in short, visible puffs. "I'm sorry," Carson finally said, closing his eyes. I kissed his eyelids.

"Don't be sorry. I love you."

"I just want to make you happy-"

"I am happy."

We were dirty and cold and sweaty, but we still clung to each other and watched the night sky. "Which star is my star?" whispered Carson into my ear.

"The one that's burning the brightest," I answered. He looked at the sky for a few moments with a lost look on his face, but eventually he smiled. "See it?" I asked. He nodded softly. My eyes fell on James's star. It was still so faded. I only wished I could make James happy the way I made Carson happy, because then maybe he'd have more of a will to live. But what did James live for? He had no family, no home, no nothing. He had us, but we were only a few people. When this was all over, even though I didn't know how it'd end, we would continue to talk, we'd still be friends, but...we could never be for James what Carson and I were for each other. A lifeline.

Maybe no matter what I did, it didn't matter. But I couldn't believe that. I still willed myself to fight for him, his soul, his star. For a moment, his star burned brighter and I could see it if I looked at it directly. I knew that was my doing, but I wondered if James felt it.

"We should go back," Carson told me quietly. I nodded and we got dressed quietly. As I put on my socks and shoes, I realized that my toes were so cold, I couldn't feel them. It was okay, though. Carson and I walked back through the dark forest, where a lone bird whistled a happy tune. Our hands connected, our hearts connected. I exhaled deeply. Carson turned to me and smiled. "I can feel you more clearly than I ever have. Instead of feeling around for you, you're right there. You're a bright light..."

A bright light. That's what I was. That's all I could ever be. Nothing less. A bright light, burning brilliantly in the night sky.