Shadows of the World

Lunch again. This time was no different than the previous day. Carson still sat in his usual, or so I figured, place, but today, he seemed more subdued. He read a book and absentmindedly nibbled on a sandwich. I couldn't help but watch. The list of fascinating things about Carson Knight was growing faster and faster each second. So it surprised me when I heard a voice in my ear say, "So, that new kid, James Blanchard is cute." I looked over to see Helena grinning at me. I flushed, it really wasn't like Helena to like a guy like James Blanchard. First of all, he got into fistfights. Second of all, he got into fistfights. The kind of guys that Helena dated were tall, blonde and National Honors Society students. James didn't seem to fit into this category at all.

I swallowed and looked around, nervously. I really hoped he wasn't around. I wasn't sure why he and Carson had been fighting, and then I really wasn't sure why they'd been so close after. So they'd had to come up with a better lie to tell the principal, but they'd looked close, or at least, like friends. Maybe it was just that they'd been neighbors and they'd hated each other. But inside me, I knew there was more to them than met the eye. I didn't know what it was, but I really wanted to find out. "Where is he?" I asked Helena finally and she shrugged.

"Dunno. Just saying, he's really cute." She bit into an apple and made a face from its tartness. The sides of my mouth twitched up in an ironic smile.

Crossing my arms in front of me, I looked at Carson, but my words for my best friend. "He doesn't really seem like your type. The last guy you dated was Alexander Worthington..."

"The third," she cut in and I rolled my eyes.

"Of course, how could I forget? Alexander Worthington, the third. Anyway, think about him. He goes to private school, and is captain of the soccer, swim and lacrosse team. He's six feet of pure, dripping muscles and sunshine. He's a golden boy, he got early acceptance to Yale, and he's going to turn out just like his sophisticated and rich father. Now let's think about James Blanchard. Skinny, sickly, black hair. Freaky. Gets into fistfights with other...freaky...kids." At this, I made a flourish to Carson, who kept reading. He obviously hadn't noticed us.

Helena only shrugged. "I'm not saying I'd date him. I'm just saying he's cute. You know I wouldn't date that type of guy anway. But I can still think he's cute, you know, it's not a crime." I laughed at this one. "What?" she cried. "It's not!"

Except I didn't tell her that the laugh had been an ironic one. And I'd been laughing because it was a crime. It was a crime to think a freak was cute. It was a crime to be obsessed with a freak. It was a crime to dream about a freak. Not illegal, but scandalous. I couldn't be seen with him, at least, not while my friends knew. I looked at all of us, we all looked the same. Ella was wearing a Ralph Lauren shirtdress with black leggings underneath and Ugg boots, even though it was warm out. Jaime wore jeans that even looked expensive and white button up shirt with a Chanel blazer. Even Helena, the most rebellious out of us, was wearing a miniskirt, boots, and a polo shirt. Her hair was smoothed back by a striped headband. And me? I looked exactly the same, no different, as always. We were the beautiful rich girls, but I didn't feel like there was anything beautiful about us.

But me liking Carson? That was a crime. And so was Helena thinking that James Blanchard was cute. So I just looked at her carefully. "Well, you might not want to say anything to the other girls." She then looked over to our other friends, who were eating absentmindedly and cocked her head.

"I guess not." At that moment, I wanted to tell her everything. The strange dreams I'd had, the newfound fascination with Carson Knight. Seeing him and James together behind the school, the butteflies, everything. I didn't though. I kept my mouth shut. It wouldn't be a good idea. She'd think I was absolutely nuts, and I wouldn't blame her. I was feeling kind of crazy lately. The whole thing with Carson, the whole shortness of breath, twisting stomach, fluttery chest thing, it wasn't right. The whole dream with James, it wasn't normal. Everything about Carson Knight just wasn't normal, but I couldn't find out what was wrong.

The bell rang to end lunch though and I groaned. I hated next period, especially since it was a study hall. I always got my homework the night before, just because I hated feeling like I had things to do. I always was bored in study hall because I had no friends in it, so I was forced to sit quietly for an hour and twenty minutes while kids did work, listened to music and talked in hushed whispers.

That was probably the reason that I let my feet drag all the way to my class. Except when I got there, I wanted to faint. I had Carson in this class. Hell, I thought. Why didn't I notice this before? I had two different days of classes, but seriously, this was getting out of hand. I took my seat where I regularly sat and realized that Carson was in the next row up, all the way on the end. It was like torture, so I could watch the beautiful back of his neck, and his soft hair. And I did. I felt my eyes pulled towards him and sighed very quietly everytime he moved. I didn't try to do it. It just happened.

The sun was warm on my face, because I was near a window. It shone also on Carson and I watched as he did homework and read. I just watched him and let the sun warm me until I had the tiniest of feelings of drowsiness. I put my head on my arm and watched him and let the sun warm me and because sleepier and sleepier, until I was pulled under the tide of my dreams...

There were thousands of butterflies now, all around us. They were all different shapes and sizes, but they flew around and around until they'd reached so high that they dissapeared. But always, more seemed to come. Looking down, I saw that the butterflies were coming up through the ground. Looked ahead and there was Carson, naked. It was not embarassing. He took my hand and his skin was smooth as it covered my own. Pulling me down to the ground where butterflies flew on our skin, tickling us. Lying side by side as they flew. Everything so clear. Everything making sense. Carson's chestnut hair gleamed red, I touched it, it was softer than silk. It covered his eyes, I pushed it out of the way. I kissed him this time. His lips on my own, everything fit. His hand on the skin of my back, pushing me towards him. We lay, face to face, slowly melting into each other.

Pulling away, and then he brought me even closer to him, and so my head was under his. He pointed to the butterflies. They turned into stars, and we were underneath a vast sky of a billion stars. Some shot across the inky sky, flaring once and then fading into darkness. I watched them as they hurtled by. I looked at Carson, he was dressed now in a simple white shirt and shorts, something that he might wear to sleep. I wore a white summer dress. Everything that surrounded us was white. And then, the sky was black, and the stars were tiny. Carson pulled me up and the ground fell away. In that great expanse of nothing. We hung carefully, he held my hand still. His hand had never left mine. My fingers were his fingers.

Then suddenly, letting go. Everything dissapearing, Carson wasn't there. Nothing. All alone and feeling so lonely. I walked, somehow. I was back to where Carson and I had laid, on the white ground with the stars. A figure in the distance. Dark hair and thin. James stood, staring up at space. I ran to his side, feeling urgent. His hand pointed to the stars. One meteorite was falling right towards. I grabbed onto James's wrist and looked around for Carson, but were were alone. And then the bright light of the meteor lit up the entire sky as it came closer and closer. And then the light engulfed me...

"Clio, Clio!" Someone was shaking me. I jerked awake suddenly and up. Everything was blurry and red. Someone was in front of me, and I finally realized it as the teacher that this study hall was in. Her name was Ms. Oster, I'd had her last year. I rubbed my eyes, and when I touched my cheeks, I felt wetness. I'd been...crying? "Clio, are you all right? You fell asleep, and then you were crying and screaming. Are you okay?" With that, I looked around. Everyone was looking at me with worried and gossipy eyes. Except Carson.

He was looking, but looking without worry. He was looking in anger, or in intent, I wasn't sure. Just staring hard at me. I swallowed and realized my throat hurt.

"Maybe I should go to the nurse," I said in a hoarse whisper.

She looked at me with concern in her eyes. "Do you need any help? You look a little disoriented." I shook my head no, my face burning. I picked up my things quickly and practically ran out of the room. I hadn't gone for then a few steps though, when I felt the door open again and another person slipped out. I looked back and there was Carson. Carson, standing, naked. Taking my hand, his lips on my own. Everything fit. Maybe then, but not now. I felt my face get even hotter as I turned away.

He didn't say anything, just followed me down the hallway. I could feel his eyes on my back, feel them as if they were looking straight through me. I didn't even know if he was looking at me, but I felt like he could. I turned straight into the nurses office and watched as he casually walked by, most likely heading to the bathroom. I wanted to die from embarassment. By this afternoon, everyone would be talking about how Clio Pattinson had been crying and screaming in her sleep and that she'd had to go home from a terrible nightmare. I noticed there was someone already with the nurse so I sat down in the waiting room and...waited.

And I'd have yet another dream about Carson...and James. I didn't understand why I felt urgent always around him, like there was something we needed to do. And then...the meteor...heading straight towards us. I tensed. I'd seen James in my dream before I'd met him. What if I somehow had had some kind of ESP about a meteor that was about to hit the earth? Oh my god, what if I was psychic? What if the world was depending on me to tell them that a disasterous meteor was about to hit?!

It seemed unlikely. Unlikely that it actually would happen, and unlikely that anyone would belive me. Even if I did explain the whole thing about dreaming about James Blanchard before even meeting him. I felt crazy, and stupid and silly for even having these dreams. I would go home and look up how to prevent dreams. Then I sighed. What if I found out a way to stop dreaming, or at least, stop remembering my dreams so vividly, and then I never dreamt about Carson and I again? I would always be looking at him and be thinking about those perfect dreams when everything had felt so crystal.

Standing up, I walked right out of the nurse's office and out the school doors. I didn't feel like waiting for her, I was going to go home anyway. I wanted to go back and sleep, but I couldn't even find comfort in my dreams anymore. Either I was too happy, or too agitated. And it was just so much worse when I woke up. I was almost out of school when I heard footsteps behind me. Looking back, I watched Carson as he exited the bathroom and walked slowly and deliberatley back to the classroom. I watched him as he looked into the nurses office and stopped when he realized I wasn't in there. Then, just as slowly, he turned back forward and kept walking. And as I watched this entire scene, I hated knowing that it made me happy that he'd wanted to see me.