Shadows of the World

Even if I had wanted to sleep, I couldn't. I kept thinking that if I did, I'd just have another happy dream about Carson and wake up even more miserable than I already was. I wanted to believe that it all was real, that he could change things and create dreams. Truthfully, I did believe him. Houw could I not, when he'd changed grass into butterflies and diamonds? He changed my hair color. How else could he have done that without...magic? Or no, not magic. Illusion. But it was magic enough for me.

So what really was my problem? I knew what it was. I was mad that he didn't make my dreams. I was angry that he didn't like me. I hated that he didn't want me. Most of all, I was sad that he didn't care. I was just some girl who had seen him do something extraordinary and then, for some reason, had to tell what was goin on. But that didn't make me special, although I desperatley wanted to be special to him. I didn't care that he was the freak at school, I didn't care that it would be social suicide to be even seen with him. I didn't care about anything. I just wanted a place in his heart, and it hurt to know that I didn't. I wasn't important. I didn't matter to him. It was dissapointing, to say the least.

Suddenly, I felt sleepier than I ever had. My eyelids ached and then, even against my will, I fell asleep and felt myself be pulled into a dream. It was the strangest thing I'd ever felt. I could feel this dream, as if it were really happening.

This was different than any other dream I'd had. Carson was there, but he wasn't smiling, like he usually was and we were in a large, empty room. And I felt completley alert, as if my body was sleeping but my mind was awake. "Hi," Carson said. This dream had to be different. Carson had never talked before in my dreams.

"Hello," I answered, loudly and clearly, as if we were just talking, as if we'd met each other on the street. I looked around, everything felt clear, not fuzzy the way dreams usually were. "This is real, isn't it? Somehow, this is real." Carson nodded at this, smiling.

"As real as it gets in a dream," he told me. "But I had to make this dream to tell you, to show you that all of this is real. That what I can do is real."

I sighed. "I know. I was just angry." There was a strange lump in my throat, as if I wanted to cry. But I didn't care. At least, that was what I kept telling myself. Carson looked at me with fawn-like eyes. This dream was definitely differrent. Instead of feeling warm at those eyes, I just ached.

"I'm sorry. You said you dreamed about me...but I never made those dreams. I'm sorry if that upset you." His words made me embarrassed and I looked away. I'd never been embarrassed in a dream with him before.

"Why didn't you just lie about what I'd seen?" I asked, changing the subject instead. Carson looked at me intently.

"I was going to. But that night, I had a dream someone I didn't know came to me and told me to tell you the truth. She didn't say anything else except 'She must know, she must know'. When I woke up, I knew they meant that I had to tell you. I believe that for some reason, you are supposed to know what I am. You are supposed to know about me. Sometimes I will recieve messages in my dreams...orders. I know that I must follow them." His voice sounded dire.

I felt afraid for him for some reason. "From whom do you recieve messages?" I asked.

"I belong a society of thousands of different people, all over the world, all who are like me. We all can change things, we all can feel strong emotions from other people and we can all see and create dreams, and we answer to the leaders, who, when they need to, tell us things we must do for them. I don't know why we can make dreams and change things. I don't know how it works. I was just born this way, and thrust into a life where I must do what other people tell me to do. I help people, but I must follow strict rules. Actually, a dream that is as real as this is forbidden, but I figured I could break them, because I'd gotten a message that was telling me that you needed to know."

I listened to his explanation and looked past him. The room was wide and blank. White walls and black floors. White ceiling. "Do you think that...someone from your...society...could send a message in a dream to someone besides people like you? People like...me?" I questioned.

Carson was silent for awhile. "I don't know. Why?" he asked me.

At that moment, I wanted to tell him about my dreams. I wanted him to know. But I couldn't tell him. And then I didn't want him to know. I wanted him to know how scared I'd felt when that meteor had almost killed me, how frightened I felt for James Blanchard, and how happy I'd been with him. It all seemed like it would be a message, and I would have loved to have someone finally understand and help me with their meanings. But I couldn't bare for him to see what I'd dreamt about us. It was too...ridiculous. But he'd said he could see dreams. Did that mean he could see mine? I instantly felt my cheeks heat up. "Have you looked at my dreams?" I asked him.

Carson gave me a lopsided smile. "I thought about it. After you told me you'd dreamed about me. I'm curious, I can't lie. But seeing peoples dreams without their permission is also forbidden."

I laughed ironically. "It doesn't seem like you abide by the rules too much."

He shrugged at that. "I wouldn't invade your privacy like that." But he wanted to see my dreams. He then looked at me carefully. "I have to go, I can't stay keep this up much longer or they'll feel it. Just please promise me you won't tell anyone. I need to know you can keep this a secret. Don't tell your friends, don't tell your family, don't tell anyone."

I nodded. "I won't."

Carson sighed in relief. "Thank you, Clio." We stood there, still standing, awkward. I'd never had a dream that I knew was going to end and I'd never had to say goodbye to him like this before. Carson took my hand quickly and entwined our fingers together, pulling me towards him and giving me an awkward embrace. He let me go quickly, but I couldn't forget the way his hand felt in mine- the way it really felt. This was so much more than a dream to me. "Thank you," he whispered again.

I woke with a start. Every nerve in me felt like a livewire. Sitting up, I looked to the clock next to my bed. 2:01 am. I blinked. That had all been real. I laid back in my bed and sighed, feeling very hot for some reason. Carson belonged to some society full of people who could do the things he could. So there were more of him. But how did they hide, and why had I never met any of these people? I knew I must have been one of the only people not like them who knew. And then for some reason, he had to follow the rules of the higher ups...so it was very structured. Somehow, Carson had had a dream, a message he said, telling him that I had to know. And I'd had dreams that had led me to him. Somehow, it was like my dreams were supposed to spark my curiosity and then from there, Carson was supposed to tell me.

And then, the end. The end of that dream. But it had been real. He could have just shaken my hand. He didn't have to do anything. But he'd entwined our fingers, the way I'd always wanted. And it felt like I'd everything I'd ever dreamed (pun not intended). I was ecstatic from his embrace, it was silly, but the thing was, it had been real. It had been a dream, but it had been real. I could still feel his arms, I could still feel his fingers. I could still feel how his breath had felt on my cheek. I couldn't help but smile.

I put my hands over my eyes and tried to fall back asleep, but I could only remember what had just happened. It was real, it was real, all of it was real. In my head and my heart, the seed that had started to grow was growing. It was becoming a flower. Love. Love. Could it be?

Sixteen year olds are not supposed to know what love is, and maybe I didn't. Maybe this was just silly, maybe I was just being silly. But I couldn't help but think about the fact that I was in love with a magical boy. I didn't care that he didn't think it was magic. The magic was how I felt, and it was growing in my chest, until it threatened to burst. I pulled my knees up to my chest and lay in my bed and tried to sleep but couldn't. Everything felt too clear and I didn't feel sleepy. I knew I still had so many questions, and I knew that the reasons of my dreams were still lost to me, but I didn't care about deciphering them.

Instantly, I wanted to call him, talk to him, make sure that all really happened and it wasn't all in my head. My legs twitched under my arms. I couldn't stay laying down. I got out of bed and pulled on some jeans that lay in a messy heap at the end of my bed. Pulling on a sweatshirt, I slipped my feet in some slippers that had relatively good soles and crept quietly out of my house. I'd never snuck out before, but I remembered that my brother, Trent, used to do it a lot. He'd never been caught, so I didn't worry too much about myself. And although at first, I had no idea where I was going to go, eventually I had an idea. I couldn't help it, I needed to see him, I needed to talk to him. Of course, he'd probably be asleep. But I just wanted to be near him.

The night was silent, but I looked at the stars. They blinked in and out, twinkling. I'd never looked at them like this before. Maybe I was just too caught up in the entire idea of who I was- another prim, sheltered girl who went to high school, did everything she was supposed to, and was going to graduate, go to college, and then just become exactly like her parents. Was that who I wanted to be? I'd already answered that question before I started it. I couldn't be the same. I knew a secret. A wonderously dangerous secret that seemed to pull me into a strange, alter-world where things outside of rational human logic existed. The stars were millions of light years away, but I reached up and for once, it almost seemed like I was close enough to touch. I laughed into the cold night air. The houses did not laugh back. I picked up my pace.

By the time I was there, I'd warmed up from the exertion. It was not freezing out but chilly enough to make me cold. His dirt road had been a little creepy, but I'd been too determined to back away. I'd forged forward, never faltering. And now, here I was. I looked up at the quiet white house and suddenly wished I knew everything about Carson's life. What were his parents like? Did he have any siblings? What classes did he take in school? What did someone like him do when he got older? What did he love, what did he hate? And what were his deepest darkest secrets...even deeper than the one I knew. What were the secrets that he kept hidden in soul? I doubted I'd ever know. But I wanted to, more than anything, I wanted to.

As I stood there, watching, I didn't notice that the front door had opened. "Clio?" said a familiar voice. I looked to see Carson standing there, in just a white teeshirt and jeans...and I wondered if he'd been sleeping in that.

I shifted uncomfortably on my feet. "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I just wanted to make sure that that was all...real."

Carson nodded and picked up some sandy dirt that was in front of his doorway. He put his mouth to it and I prepared myself for sand being blown in my eyes, but instead, the sand turned into hundreds of fireflies. They flit around us, lighting up the night and Carson's face. They stayed for a considerably longer amount of time and I looked up as they rose, blinking in and out. "You believe me, don't you?" he asked.

I nodded, watching as they finally blinked out and the darkness returned. "I do." It was silent. "How did you know I was here?" I asked.

"I could feel you," Carson replied, looking away, as if he were embarrassed.

I flushed. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize." More silence. Finally, Carson looked at me carefully. "Come on, let me show you something." With that, he that, he took his hand in mine and led me across the golden grass that was now blue in the night. Our breathing was the only sound. I looked at Carson's profile carefully as he led me across the meadow and into the deep forest that surrounded the border. And the flower in my heart, the flower called love, bloomed into brilliance within me.