So...Who Are You Again? My Chemical Romance? Never Heard of You.

"Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? In the lane, snow is glistening. A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight-" Shelly and I obnoxiously sang in an inebriated state, an arm around the other's shoulders, swaying amongst the crowd.

"Walking in a winder wonderland!" a group of at least 15 individuals chorused after us, having consumed the same amount of alcohol as I, if not more. We all had the same stupid grin smeared all over our faces and held no regards toward anything rational, which was rather a success all in its own. Well...for me at least.

"Come on, Gerard, let's sing merry carols and forget about our worries!" I bided to my singer friend, letting go of Shelly to throw an arm around his shoulder, causing him to almost topple over. He caught himself though, awkwardly holding me up as well. He laughed nervously and let go as soon as I was stabilized.

"It's barely September," he said with a weary grin, blinking several times. "Christmas is still awhile away."

"Get in the holiday spirit!" I commanded, my voice only having one volume. He winced shortly at my surprising tone then sighed, his eyes flickering around the room.

"I really don't think this is a good idea," he advised, observing my new buddies who weren't even paying attention to us. His evaluative eye took my appearance in then couldn't help showing his disapproval and sorrow, probably with seeing me this way for the first time. I didn't like drinking so even only an acquaintance could tell I'd only drink when I was upset, especially this much. Let's just say I was a little less than peeved.

"You're just a wet blanket," I slurred, sloppily shoving my pointer finger at his shoulder, making him roll his eyes. I perked up and pointed to his face this time, noticing his condescending expression. "See?"

"We're leaving," Gerard finalized suddenly in a stern voice, his eyes narrowing and his lips pursed. He took hold of my wrist and pushed past a few people to get to Bob who was standing nearby.

"Hey!" I objected, trying to squirm out of his grasp. The only thing I succeeded in was bumping into everyone around me, which I usually would have apologized for.

"Bob, go get Shelly," Gerard instructed, nodding toward the interior of the party. Shelly apparently had slipped away and I hadn't noticed, which I suppose, was fairly easy to do, I will admit. "We're gonna head out."

Bob nodded submissively without a word and headed on his quest to find my best friend. I stood watching with a lasting pout as he distance himself. I didn't understand why we had to leave- I was having a good time. Actually, I had been having a great time since I stormed back to the house, thanks to alcohol. Gerard had sat by passively until this point, simply keeping surveillance, so I didn't understand what made him snap.

"What's your problem, Gerard?" I demanded, still trying to pull away. His grip tightened as he glowered, having lost all his patience, and he looked me dead in the eye.

"Look, I'm already fucking pissed off enough that one of my best friends hurt you and now you're just getting fucked up," he explained, articulating his words for emphasis. His reprimand penetrated my ability to move, causing me stare at him with wide eyes, not expecting him to call me out then and there. "So stop it and let's just go!"

"You can't tell her what to do, man." Some random guy who somehow must've overheard us stepped forward to Gerard, swaying uneasily. With an annoyed sigh, Gerard, channeling all his anger, shifted his glare then promptly punched the man square in the nose. My jaw dropped, the past few sobering seconds tugging me a little back into reality, though I still was at a loss for words.

"Let's go, Julie," Gerard growled, stepping over the groaning man who had fallen to the floor. I followed obediently, carefully stepping over his limbs, keeping my head down so I couldn't see everyone staring at us. I didn't want to be in the center of attention anymore.

We finally made it outside on the porch and I heard the conversations start again as well as music being cranked up to segue the atmosphere back to a party, glazing over any awkwardness or tension we had felt behind in the house. Gerard released my wrist and cast his gaze away with a grumble.

"Sorry about that," he whispered, his face still tense, but I could tell he meant it.

"No..." I corrected after a couple seconds, looking down in shame. My mind was still kind of swirling, but I could function a little more smoothly. "I'm the one who should be sorry..."

"Well you're just coping with things," Gerard attempted a defense in my case then added in a mutter, "...Badly."

"Good idea or no, I do feel so much better." I half smiled with a tiny laugh, rather proud that I was able to suppress the otherwise uncontrollable urge to break down.

"Bull shit," he mumbled sternly, looking me dead in the eye. I blinked several times as I stayed silent, not really sure if I just heard him say that.

"What?" My voice matched the confusion that was becoming apparent on my face. I didn't know what he was talking about- I felt fine.

"You heard me- Bull shit," he repeated, then licked his lips. "You don't feel better. This is all a temporary fix and ultimately, you aren't any better. The problem is still there."

Suddenly, without warning, his words broke me down. I knew he was right and once I realized this, the tears immediately formed again, introducing another unwelcome feeling in the making. Gerard's eyebrows rose in surprise, completely not expecting such a reaction.

"I know, Gerard, I know," I blubbered, shrinking against the wall. He held up his hands shakily as if it would help me calm down, obviously unsure about what he should do next. "What the fuck is wrong with me? Am I just not good enough for him?"

"Don't say that Julie," Gerard odered, grabbing hold of my shoulders, but my gaze was still downcast, hair in my face. His grip tightened slightly for emphasis and reassurance, as if trying to force sense into me. "You're better than him and what he did. You truly are. You're a beautiful person inside and out- I just wish Frank would get his shit together to fully recognize it."

A stupid, hopeful smile spread across my face as I looked up from the ground, feeling warmth inside my heart that had been on complete lockdown for hours. In my state, that was the sweetest thing I'd ever heard anyone say to me. My allegiances immediately changed sides as I looked into Gerard's eyes, seeing his sincereness and general care to see me feel better.

Without a second thought, I leaned forward and kissed Gerard, startling him. He pulled away slightly out of sheer shock, but stayed close enough so that I could feel his breath. I opened my eyes half way to find him staring at my lips longingly, running his tongue along his own lips. I leaned forward, closing the gap between us again, this time getting more of a reaction out of Gerard.

However, all of the sudden, he distanced himself from me, causing me to open my eyes in confusion. He was further away from me than with a lamenting smile, showing that he wasn't coming back.

"What's wrong?" I asked softly, my shoulders subconsciously drawing toward my core, feeling insignificant once again. With a slightly nervous sigh, he drummed his fingers absentmindedly on the side of his leg.

"You're going to regret this..." Gerard told me, "and when you do, you can reminisce about what a good friend I am." I watched him almost unbelievably. I guess he had a point, but this didn't make me feel any better, which was kind of what I wanted. I swallowed hard, my head bowing in embarrassment.

"Sorry," I choked out, beginning to walk away from him out of sheer shame that I thought I could patch up my heart with a little attention. I didn't know exactly where I was heading, but leaving just seemed logical to me. I heard Gerard sigh then follow beside me at my slightly slow pace- It's not like I was in a hurry anywhere.

"Look, Julie, I know you're hurt," he whispered, taking a step in front of me so that I'd stop, which I decided was best to just oblige to. "Let's just go back to the hotel and work things out."

"Gerard," I mumbled, determined to stop my tears from forming. It seems like I'd made a hobby out of crying- Just what I'd always wanted. A silence lulled between us before I finalized, "I want you to punch Frank in the face for me."

"I think you'd be more satisfied if you did that yourself," he ventured, casually glancing toward the front door to note that the others were exiting. With a trying smile, he took my hand and began guiding me toward the car we came here in, which is where Shelly, Bob, and Ray were heading. I hadn't seen or heard word of Mikey or Frank since the park.

"I don't ever want to see him again," I affirmed stubbornly, dragging my feet to the car, almost a whole foot behind Gerard's pace, but he didn't seem annoyed.

"That's a little extreme," he pointed out, looking back to me with pursed lips. I took a deep breath and stopped in my tracks with a glower.

"Why are you supporting him after this?" I barked, ripping my hand away from his. It seemed like I was a medley of different emotions tonight, each one making itself present with even the slightest bit of antagonization.

"You just need to see how things unfold before you jump to conclusions," he advised steadily, neither raising his voice nor backing off. He looked calm for some reason, which pissed me off even more. I didn't know why he was so collected when he was the guy who had attacked Frank earlier at the drop of a hat when he thought Frank had made me cry- What changed?

"What Frank did hurt and I really don't think I can find it in my heart to forgive him," I argued defiantly, not even bothering to see Gerard's point.

"I don't know what the fuck he was thinking kissing Lauren, but I'm sure he had a," he hesitated shortly, "good reason."

"Oh, you mean, that he wanted to see if he felt something?" I repeated in an accusatory tone what I'd heard Frank say earlier. His jaw dropped, not expecting me to have that knowledge. "I'm just the knockoff, Gerard- The temporary replacement. I will never compare to her and he's made that quite apparent."

"Julie," Gerard's voice suddenly rose, taking a commanding position in the conversation that made me actually listen to him this time. I felt like a child with him practically yelling just to get my attention tonight. "All I know is that Frank was at rock bottom when we started this tour and you were the only one who made him happy. Not Lauren, not me, not the guys- YOU. I'm not saying to forgive him right away and quite frankly, I'd think you were stupid if you didn't get mad over this. I think he's a little bitch for doing this to you and it took everything in me not to give him a concussion, but when it comes down to it, you were good for him. You really were- You still are. I need you to know that. You don't need to pretend this never happened, but I want you to talk to him eventually."

I looked at him blankly, not really knowing what to say. I understood exactly where he was coming from and despite what I wanted to think, he did have a point. It was stupid how fucking wise Gerard always was- It only made me frustrated. I furrowed my eyebrows, my emotions getting the better of me, then snapped, "I'll talk to him when I'm good and ready."

I stomped past him toward where Ray and Bob were uselessly watching from the sideline and Shelly was already passed out in the backseat since she'd been drunk practically the entire night- What a surprise. Quickly, when they noticed our attention was on them, they nonchalantly piled into the car, pretending they hadn't been gawking.

Smooth.

"At least you've upgraded from never wanting to see him again," Gerard commented. I rolled my eyes at his double win I inadvertently gave him. But I really didn't want to think about it anymore so I crammed myself into the car next to Shelly, slammed the door, and then crossed my arms.

The ride to the hotel was silent. I could tell that Bob and Ray were restless and wanted to converse, but I paid no mind to them and neither did Gerard. I was wrapped up in my own thoughts, silently deciding my fate for the rest of the tour.

--

Nine days it had been since I'd last seen Frank. I would say it was the longest I hadn't seen him, but then I remembered the rest of my life would have to be taken into account. There was a life before Frank.

I could tell by everyone's wearied looks that they thought we'd get this sorted out by the end of the tour. They screamed, despite their lips being pursed shut, for us to make it through; for me to talk about it and for him to apologize but I was stubborn and he was humiliated. Like Gerard said- I was one of the best things Frank had. I didn't really care though.

It was sort of funny in a wry way- Not only did I not care, I didn't care about not caring. I was slowly easing back into the demeanor I had before I came on the tour. The walls unknowingly built themselves back up around my heart and I, as well as others, noticed an extreme decay of happiness I was willing to exude. Something about Frank brought that out of me...but no more of that. I was played for a chump and that was that. I was done.

Or at least I thought.

It was the last day of the tour and it was kind of ironic that I'd come there because of a contest we'd won to be with My Chemical Romance and there I was, on the Madina Lake bus. I told Shelly she didn't have to ride with me since this was her dream, but she insisted we stayed together because she also was pissed at Frank. So, it was like someone drag and dropped Shelly and I onto Madina Lake's bus- Sharing laughs and good times with them. It was just like before...only with different company.

Despite how nice the guys were, it didn't really feel right, after previously spending every waking day with MCR. I guess it was a good prep for after tour...which everyone had to deal with.

After Linkin Park played the very last concert of Projekt Revolution, every band pitched in and made a party happen to shoot down the glum spirits. It wasn't like I didn't expect it. I certainly didn't go to all of them, but there had been a party thrown for just about everything:

"I finally played that one part of the song right live!"

"Awesome! Let's have a party!"

"No one's broken anything yet!

"Cool! Let's have a party!"

"I haven't contracted an STD yet this tour!"

"Sweet! Let's have a party!"

Yeah. The tour life was just a phenomenal atmosphere.

But this one in particular, however, was the party of all parties...or so I was told. Naturally, my first inclination was to avoid it, take an Advil, and sleep the last night off until the next day where a plane was waiting to take Shelly and I back to Rhode Island.

Don't get me wrong- I loved touring. I couldn't describe how much I enjoyed the experience. Just because of some people, I was mentally checked out already. I was just ready for the tour to be over and done with so there was less of a constant reminder prodding my every thoughts that a man named Frank Iero did, in fact, exist.

For the time being though, I pushed it out of my mind. It seemd like I had to do that a lot. Something would unfortunately remind me of Frank and my thoughts would dwell on him for awhile before I realized I should stop.

"So have you thought of what you're gonna do if you see Frank there?" Shelly twisted around to face me from the front seat of the "party van" it was so rightfully dubbed, which consisted of Mikey driving, Shelly in the passenger seat, and about twelve other people, including Gerard and I, piled into the back of a spare roadie van. I didn't know whose idea it was, but I had a strong inclination to punch them because not only did it just sound like a terrible idea in theory, it was even worse enacted.

"I haven't thought about it," I answered her from where I was sitting directly behind her seat, "because it's not going to happen."

"I don't even know if Frank's gonna be there," Mikey commented. "I haven't heard much of him lately."

"I don't really care," I replied truthfully, shrugging. "I won't talk to him either way."

"Julie, I know Frank's a dumbass," Mikey stated the obvious with a weary and weighted down voice, "but he's one of my best friends so I feel slightly obliged to stick up for him-"

"Mikey, not you, too," I cut him off, glancing between the brothers, without a doubt in my mind that they'd discussed his. Gerard simply looked at me, expressionless, not looking to defend either of us.

"No, hear me out," Mikey pleaded, having furrowed eyebrows, but imploring eyes, looking to be a contradicting mix of feelings. "You should at least talk to him. We've all had our share of bitching at him, now it's your turn."

"Are you kidding?" Shelly interjected before I could say anything, holding up a hand to me, showing she was going to handle this. "She can take as much time as she needs to talk to him. Kissing your ex is one of the worst things you can do to someone in Julie's place."

"I thought it was fucking with them," one of the extra guys interrupted bluntly, causing both Shelly and I to turn slowly to him with a frown. I'd seen him around before, but I couldn't tell you who he was or what he did.

"You're not in this conversation," Shelly stated, blinking several times.

"I might as well be," he countered with a frown of his own. "You aren't exactly quiet."

"Well butt out," Shelly demanded, causing the guy to make a face at her, but subsequently obey.

"I'll do what I feel necessary," I continued the conversation, disregarding the disturbance. Both Shelly and Mikey sent me an assuring smile, as if silently campaigning for me to do what either suggested. I ignored them both, and fully planned to just play it by ear. I didn't want to think about what ifs- I just already wanted the night to be over.

--

I couldn't believe it.

I'd almost gone the entire night without seeing him and I honestly thought I was in the clear. But no- I just had to volunteer to make a run to the refrigerator for everyone's drinks. I had barely entered the kitchen from the backyard when Frank incidentally entered from the living room. Both of us stopped in our tracks, locking eye sight. I hoped that maybe he'd go away, but he stood his ground, making my eyes glance quickly to the ground.

"I can't look at you," I informed, the mental image of him kissing her still fresh in my mind. I had thought it faded, but seeing him stirred unsettling memories.

"I can't look at myself either if it's any consolation," he mumbled, swallowing hard after getting no reply from me. I decided I had no plans of resolution today.

"Okay." He spoke as if he already expected nothing from me. "I don't expect you to forgive me but I want you to at least hear what I have to say. Whether you believe me or not, I am genuinely sorry. I cannot stress that enough."

"It fucking hurts, Frank," I retaliated angrily, "to have heard you complain so much about this girl and here I am, thinking I'm doing a pretty good job, and then you go back and kiss her. That makes me feel terrible- That this awful girl you bitched about still has a hold on you and I'll always just be competing for second."

"I want so badly to fully be over her," he mumbled pathetically, that not not being quite the answer I wanted.

"But you're not," I finished for him softly. "And you should have said something. I would have understood and I would have waited. I would have still been your friend regardless."

"I really do like you better as more than a friend," he let me know with a wavering smile, which only made him look sadder.

"We never got to that point," I reminded.

"I was hoping to make you my girlfriend before the tour ended," he revealed in a tiny voice that was so unlike him. The entire conversation, he'd been so timid and defeated sounding, which was a complete 180.

"Well that ship has sailed, courtesy of you," I replied back bitterly, not wanting to reveal my full wrath anymore.

"When I see you, I don't see her anymore, like I did when I first talked to you," he spoke up suddenly, as if he were worried I'd leave before he had said his peace and he'd never see me again. "...I don't think I ever let you know that."

"That's dandy, Frank," I said, taking it more to the heart than I let on. He never did tell me that and the thought had crossed my mind more than once. I knew for a fact he wasn't lying, which did make me feel slightly better. I heard him sigh heavily as I silently unloaded the 'fridge of drinks.

"You should know by now that I do stupid things." Frank stepped closer to me. "This is another one of those things that I will regret the rest of my life, but I can't take it back. I can only say sorry and just think how stupid it was."

I continued picking out appropriate drinks until my arms were full. I could feel Frank's eyes on me in anticipation as I closed the refrigerator door. Finally, I faced him again, finding a new found strength.

"I just want to know what you were thinking. No bull shit," I requested, then posed, "What good did you think would come of it?"

"I don't expect you to understand it, but in no way, shape, or form was I implying that she's better than you. I'm not playing that game." He shook his head definitely. "But you have to realize she was my first love- I can't just completely disregard all feelings towards her like that...as you obviously saw. I needed to see if I still felt something. I hadn't been with her for so long that it just brought me back."

"How'd it feel?" I asked lazily, but still with curiosity and interest.

"It wasn't special," he answered with a small shrug, pulling at the hem of his shirt. "I like kissing you better."

"And what were planning on doing if you felt something?" I interrogated, ignoring the cold feeling prickling through my arms due to the drinks. I didn't expect our conversation to last this long.

"Leave it at that."

"You wouldn't have left it, Frank." I sighed, knowing better. A part of me believed him, but I had to take into consideration the reality of the situation. "Even if you physically moved on, you would have never mentally moved on. She'd secretly be the only girl you want."

"But I didn't feel anything," he emphasized, beginning to look worried. "You're the girl I want."

"I'm not ready to forgive you," I whispered, shaking my head. "Let's have this conversation in another day and time."

"For peace of mind," Frank said, "will you ever be able to forgive me?"

"For peace of mind, you should have never kissed her. We'll talk about this later."

He didn't need to ask to know that by later I didn't mean later that night, later the next day, or even later in the week. He knew that was an ultimatum for a long while. That was our temporary good bye.

I walked past him without a second glance. Who knew when I'd be ready to even consider his reasoning? I just needed some time.

"Later," I heard him whisper, telling me he recognized my perspective. It was pointless to try and force his opinion down my throat because it would not only prove futile, but probably piss me off even more. There was nothing he could do at this point in time.