So...Who Are You Again? My Chemical Romance? Never Heard of You.

The next day, Projekt Revolution was officially over, which involved contradicting feelings. No more drama, no more hectic schedule, no more sleep deprivation, all of which I guess were good things. But in retrospective, I'd grown used to all of the above, and it was going to feel weird adjusting when I'd finally gotten used to touring in the first place.

However, I felt like it all needed to come to an end. I’d no doubt embarrassed myself countless times, this being more prevalent in the latter half, and it was safe to say I made a few bad decisions. I was proud of myself for going on the tour, all in all, I’d realized. I knew it sounded lame and a little ridiculous to be proud of simply going on a journey in a cramped space for hours on end with people I’d never even heard of before, but it was more than I’d ever done. It was probably more than I ever will do.

"I'm going to miss you guys so much," Mikey exclaimed as we finished collecting up our belongings, gathering both Shelly and I in his grip, which was fairly easy to do considering his height. We tried to squirm away as he squeezed us tighter, but to no avail.

"This is not necessary," I choked out, not enjoying the sentiment, especially while everyone else laughed. I took in a breath with a scowl and somehow wormed myself away from the embrace, which only redirected all of his attention to latching onto Shelly, this probably being his intention from the very beginning.

"Don't touch me!" Shelly shrieked, huddling herself up, trying to get Mikey off her. In response, Bob hugged her from the other side, creating an unhappy Shelly sandwich. She grumbled at this, and added, "I hate you all," as I was able to join in with everyone else's laughter.

Better her than me.

We were already at the end of our goodbyes to the guys, and everyone else on the tour we talked to for that matter, but now we were just being delayed by goofing around. We could joke and mess with each other all day, but in reality, this was a truly sad day. Our fun was over, and real life had to get back on its way for Shelly and I, which hadn't fully sunk in yet since the people we'd grown so close to were still within an arm's reach, not miles upon miles away.

I must’ve been caught up in my thoughts too much because I didn’t even hear Gerard say my name until he lightly shoved my cheek in order to get my attention. I shook my head slightly, and then turned to Gerard with an inquisitive look, wondering if that was really the best way to get my attention.

“You looked out of it,” he said simply, smiling a tiny grin.

“I’m sure I did,” I replied with a chuckle, prancing around the subject we both knew was at hand. His smile quickly faded as he kept eye contact with me, actually seeming more solemn by the second.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized suddenly, catching me off guard. A few of the guys listened in on our conversation since we weren’t exactly out of range. It was only a matter of time before everyone watched us; conversations that involved me, Frank, and/or Gerard seemed were the main entertainment for this tour because it generally insinuated context that sounded like it should be from a soap, but really wasn’t. Sad thing was, it was my life.

“For what?” I cocked my head to the side, not understanding what he was getting at. He simply looked at the ground, making extreme effort to form words, but just not succeeding.

“I’m just sorry,” he decided to say again, suddenly looking really guilty.

“Did something happen?” I asked, then added quickly, “Aside from the obvious.”

“I’m apologizing for the obvious,” he stated, sighing heavily. After he had yelled at me, he never directly spoke to me again about Frank. He made sure I was okay every now and then when I saw him, but since I’d mostly been hanging out with the other bands, along with Shelly, I never got the opportunity to talk to him in a sober and logical state.

“I know,” I said simply, feeling the attention of every person in the room now. “I am, too.”

Gerard let out another breath of air, showing the difficulty he was having with grabbing the correct thoughts out of his surely cluttered brain to make the situation any better. He knew, as well as I, that no one had that ability.

“I want you to know,” he began to say slowly, but stopped. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t explain the emotion that he felt, just like I couldn’t begin to explain how I felt. There was nothing either of us could say to each other to make the situation any better, and we harbored disagreement in certain realms that needed to be talked about, but in no way possibly could. Basically, it was a shitty situation, and the only thing I could think of to do was step forward and pull Gerard into an embrace. Not missing a beat, he wrapped his arms around me, making this about the thirtieth hug I’d received within the hour.

This one was different though. It wasn’t a typical goodbye hug because this surfaced several emotions I’d been trying to hold back the whole day. It felt nice and mended some of those broken feelings. No, I was not ready to frolic through a field in sheer happiness, but I did feel a little better about life with this unspoken gesture.

“It’ll be okay one day,” he whispered as he pulled away from me, striking a strange chord in my mind. I didn’t investigate it any further because I didn’t even want to think about a future where my reality was that of two weeks ago. It didn’t seem as possible as Gerard made it out to be.

“We’ll see you guys soon, yeah?” Shelly intervened, noting my discomfort. A round of agreement rippled through, trying to transition into normal conversation. Gerard actually smiled along with his band mates, confirming that we’d be in touch.

Before I knew it, we all had made our way to the front of the hotel where a cab was waiting for us. After several more goodbyes in an easier atmosphere, we got in the car. I sighed as the driver pulled away, us mirroring their dismal expressions and last minute waves. I tried to keep my focus off a thought that had been gradually trying to emerge since I had woken up that day. I couldn't let my brain think too much about it, so I still didn't know how exactly to feel. I knew I contradicted every shred of logic for even being a tad let down by it, but the fact was still there.

Frank never showed up.

--

"It's hard to believe this is all over," Shelly mentioned once we were seated on the plane, ready to depart back home. Neither of us had said much up until that point. I nodded in response, staring blankly forward.

"Yeah," I whispered.

"And you didn't want to go," she replied to lighten the mood with an almost forced laugh, shifting slightly in her seat. I smiled slightly.

"I'm glad I did," I said in a hollow voice. "I had a lot of fun."

She returned my smile, equally as fake. I truly did have a lot of fun, but I couldn't look past a certain side story that ended horribly, horribly wrong. It almost wasn't fair how much a boy affected such a unique experience that I was supposed to have, full of exciting times and great memories. Once again, they were still there, but easily overlooked in my opinion. I told myself I wouldn't let it get to me anymore than it already had. I'd already uselessly sobbed enough.

But still.

Finally taking off down the run way after the standard safety instructions by the stewardesses, we were up in the air, greeted soon by the captain over the intercom. Staring out the window as we peaked in altitude, it really sunk in. Every emotion that I'd repressed expanded inside me, like a suit case packed so tightly to the brim that it had no choice but to bust open eventually. Right as soon as the passengers were told we could get up from our seats, I stood and walked directly to the bathroom, focusing my full attention on not breaking down in front of everyone. The last thing I needed was for everyone to think they were flying with an overly hysterical woman.

My vision blurred as I accidently slammed the door behind me, locking it quickly to separate myself from the world. From there, I couldn't stop bawling, and I felt pathetic. I felt so out of control of everything. Frank broke my heart more than I'd let on to anyone, or to myself even. I tried to ignore the situation previously by paying attention to the abundance of other people on the tour who were not Frank, but now there was no one else to pay attention to, aside from Shelly.

I furrowed my eyebrows and took a deep breath after a few minutes of crying, composing myself again, trying to pack the emotions back. I didn't know where that sudden whirlwind of sorrow came from, but I didn't like it. I could do this on my own, and forget about Frank. It was that simple.

As I exited the bathroom, a woman who was waiting outside for me to finish smiled courteously at me. I smiled back, then headed back to my seat. I was fine I told myself and the world around me. I was fine.

--

It felt like my normal reality had turned surreal and the tour life I'd been introduced to had turned to normal. I felt off, not being rushed around this way and that; not waking up at absurd hours; not chipping away at my hearing practically every night; not having at least three or four people, wanted or unwanted, in my immediate vision. I never thought I'd be impacted so much by a stupid tour with bands I never knew existed.

Shelly felt it too, I could tell. It was definitely quiet the first week when it was just the two of us, embracing solidity again. I immediately went job hunting when we got back, worried about how we’d make rent. Also, I think I just needed to keep my mind busy so it didn’t have too much idle time, but that analysis was on a subconscious level I didn’t even want to try to understand. I just convinced myself that I was doing the responsible action, until my best friend who hadn’t touched a job application in who knows how long.

Shelly didn’t even attempt conversation about Frank around me until we had been home at least a good two weeks. Even then, she wormed her way into getting me to reference him every now and then, it wasn’t anything groundbreaking. I didn’t feel like there was any point in talking about him anyway, even when it got to be a month after I’d seen his face.

One afternoon I had off in particular, I felt especially lazy. I woke up unenthused, a typical reaction toward life nowadays, but today more so. I really had been missing the company we had previously and wondered why I hadn’t heard a peep from them since we last said goodbye. I wasn’t mad or anything since they were just making their living, but it sure caught up with me that day for some reason.

Uninterestedly, I sat next to Shelly on the couch and watched her flip through the channels, not even bothering to consult the perfectly good guide we had available with our cable. I didn't feel the need to object this method though.

“Oh good, you’re up,” Shelly stated, not even looking at me. She suddenly tossed the remote control to me, hardly giving me enough time to react. “You can pick what we’re watching.”

“How about we watch the channel that tells you to get a job?” I mumbled jokingly, situating myself from flailing around trying to catch the remote.

“No, I don’t think we get that channel.” Shelly shot me a cheeky grin, which I returned, silently thanking her for her hard work and contribution she put toward rent. I really couldn’t get it done without her.

…Yeah, right.

I took Shelly’s method of searching for a station, honestly too lazy to even read the listings, which was a new low for me. However, for whatever reason, I decided to hesitate on channel 285, which allowed me more than half a second to process the programing. My eyes widened and I automatically took a deep breath in.

What were the chances?

Shelly glanced at me hesitantly as I perked up, watching the screen. When I heard the familiar voices, it was kind of welcoming and when I saw the familiar faces, it was kind of heart-warming. They were all sat in a row for an interview, looking exactly the same way I had left them.

"My Chemical Romance post-tour plans" the crawler at the bottom read. I didn't even pay attention to what they were saying, contrasting the obnoxious screaming girls surrounding the band from all sides. My eyes, mistakenly and unintentionally, sat on their second guitarist in particular. Surprisingly, my first inclination was not to throw the remote at the box or scream uselessly at him.

I watched him make a slap shot joke, which sent ripples of laughter through the audience and around to the guys, as well as the interviewer. I watched him smile and, even just seeing him over the TV, I felt a weak smile spread across my face. I'd forgotten how lovely his smile could be.

For around five seconds, I felt unexpectedly happy inside. Bits of memories flashed through my head like lightning, striking up random flecks of joy. I remembered when I watched Nightmare Before Christmas with him; I remembered when we made paper airplanes on top of the foreclosed building; I remembered when I slept next to him in the hotel lobby; I remembered kissing him on a hotel rooftop.

Except all of the sudden, the awful memories crushed the temporary serene state I’d allowed myself to accidently be in, so much so that tears immediately formed in my eyes, as if a force pushed them out.

Wearily, Shelly leaned over, reaching for the remote which I gripped as soon as she moved. I took a quick breath, recomposing myself as I sat up straighter, forcing my temporary hysterics to stop. I held a hand up for Shelly to stop where she was, leaving a confused expression on her face.

"I'm good," I stated in a small voice, swallowing hard. I looked at the screen one last time as Shelly retracted herself into the mold she'd formed on the couch, watching me carefully with furrowed eyebrows. Without further explanation, I changed the channel, on the prowl yet again for a good show.

I surprised even myself with that one. Not necessarily avoiding tears, but actually feeling happy again. I think I was slowly realizing something I didn't want to admit- I missed Frank. I was considering what was once inconsiderable. I still was in no position to call him up, but I couldn’t deny even for a minute that I didn’t miss him, which swirled a sickening feeling inside me.

"How do you feel?" Shelly asked, not taking into consideration that I just flipped the channel from My Chemical Romance news. I knew she still adored them as a band, but she was trying to keep it concealed for me.

"I don't know," I answered, unable to label a specific emotion.

"Well...it's been a month," she ventured, pointing out the obvious for no specific reason. While I was her best friend, it must be slightly difficult hating the guitarist of her favorite band on my behalf. However, I know she would stick up for me until the end, insisting as long as I did that I could take as much time as I wanted to talk to him.

"I think I had a revelation," I spoke, blinking a few times, positively ignoring the television now, though still changing the channels. I lived quite the productive life.

"What?" she questioned, her eyes glancing for the TV to me. "Just now?"

"Yeah."

"And I missed it?" she frowned and snapped her fingers. "Should have told me. I could have taken a picture and sent it out to all the relatives."

"Well that ship of unmatchable opportunity has sailed and left you on the shore of regret,” I informed, pointing lightly at her.

"Wow, that's deep,” Shelly commented, her eyebrows rose in admiration.

"It's probably just an aftereffect of my revelation." I shrugged, still not knowing why I was taking this matter so lightly. It’s as if I were deciding what to have for lunch, not the switch of a semi-permanent rage I thought would dwell inside me when thoughts of Frank popped into my head.

"Speaking of which, do tell."

"I think..." I whispered, pursing my lips together, putting a lot of thought into my words before I actually declared them. "I think I forgive him."

"What brought this on?” Shelly asked, not as surprised as I thought she would be. “I mean...aside from seeing his face. Actually...that was the main reason, wasn't it?"

"It's something I've been thinking about for a while,” I mused, frowning a little. I didn’t want to admit to myself that my mind occasionally slipped into an old routine of wondering how Frank was doing or how he felt. “I can't get him out of my head, and you know that. But the thing is, as time passes, my pent up anger doesn’t flare up as much. I mean, I'm still angry...” I trailed off, still not believing the conclusion I had come to, “but I think I forgive him. I think I understand where he's coming from now."

"Just by seeing five seconds of him in an interview?" She looked more confused than ever, reminding me of the barrier Frank and I set up between us and the world; we only made sense to each other.

"Even though I don’t currently understand why he fucked up so badly, just seeing his face lit up like that...makes me happy.” I couldn’t help the growing smile on my face that Frank severely didn’t deserve, but I allowed it. “I can't deny that. And it's stupid of me to completely disregard a person like that from my life forever."

"You sound like a fortune cookie," she commented, raising an eyebrow. "How'd you get to be so wise?"

"I woke up," I replied simply.

"Wish it worked that way for me," she replied casually, hoisting herself up from the couch, then moseyed to the kitchen area. Ever since we'd gotten back, she'd been making more wisecracks than usual. I think maybe she was filling the void that I'd left- My usually witty humor had been stripped clean. Or maybe she was trying to jumpstart it back into me. Either way, it was slightly appreciated. I didn't really want serious.

As I heard her loudly open a cabinet, scrounging for food, my mind wandered back to the boys.

"How do you think they're doing?" I asked, glimpsing toward Shelly who decided on a box of Fruity Pebbles. She puckered her lips in thought as she gathered the appropriate dishware, making sure not to be too quiet, just in case there was someone in a two mile radius that didn't know she was getting a bowl of children's cereal.

"Well, Mikey told me they'd be super busy after the tour ended," she informed, tipping the cardboard box and dumping its colorful contents in the blue bowl. "Deciding a next step and all, you know."

Milk spilled too, and consumed the few pebbles that had abandoned ship. She walked back to the couch, seemingly oblivious to the mess she left.

"That's nice of you, Shelly," I complemented, nodding toward the counter. "That way if any ants came in and wanted food, you just volunteered our counter space as their new feeding ground."

This made her smirk as she scooted her cereal around with the spoon, still not bothering to get up and do anything about it.

"I've missed that."

"Missed what? Ants?" I quested, curling my lip in disbelief. "There's a whole bed of 'em outside our house. Go keep them company out there."

"No. The ants can suck it," she corrected quickly, rolling her eyes, but still keeping an amused smirk. "I meant your wit. I've noticed it's been a little dry lately." She paused to furrow her eyebrows. "Er- I don't mean it's been dry humor, I mean you haven't been making nearly as many-"

"I got it, Shelly," I cut her off with a half-smile, her words confirming my previous theory.

"Right. Well, Mike said that one of them would call in a few weeks," she continued, then stopped to take a bite of cereal. She continued, her words slightly garbled since she hadn't fully swallowed her food yet, "He said that he hoped they could spend Christmas here."

"That's still awhile away," I commented, mentally figuring the date in correlation to Christmas, not satisfied with the mental number I got. "That's well over two months away."

"Well, they're busy people," she excused passively, still munching loudly on her cereal in a very unflattering manner. "It is their job."

"Really?” My head dropped at this fact she just laid on me as if I didn’t know. “Really? Is that what they do?”

“Okay, you can cool it.” Shelly pointed to me, faking a threat, causing me to laugh. She swallowed another bite and continued, "I know what you mean though. I miss them a lot. Talking over the phone just isn't enough sometimes."

My eyes widened as my eyebrows furrowed and my jaw dropped, knowing for a fact that I heard her correctly. I slowly turned toward Shelly as she quickly realized her mistake, slapping her hand across her mouth as if it would erase her words, neither of us even acknowledging more milk that slopped over the edges onto the carpet.

"What the fuck do you mean, 'talking over the phone'?" I demanded, jumping up from the sofa, my body tense and my insides screaming. Her eyebrows drew together in fear as she sunk back into the cushion, gulping loudly.

"N-Nothing," she lied, twisting in her seat so that her feet hit the floor. Swiftly, she slid off the couch and headed to the kitchen, shoving spoonfulls of cereal in her mouth as if showing that her mouth was busy so no, she could not elaborate. I clenched my teeth then followed her quickly, not allowing the subject to be dropped.

"You've been talking to them?" I interrogated, wanting a straight answer. She looked at me with innocent, round eyes as she wolfed down the last of her cereal, realizing she wasn't fooling anyone, least of all me.

"...Perhaps," she whispered after a long silence, her eyes shifting rapidly to her left and right, probably trying to find a distraction to pull her out of the hole she just dug for herself.

"Why'd you keep it from me? I know I haven't known about them for as long as you, but they're my friends, too," I replied in a calm voice, actually feeling a little hurt. I missed them a lot and here I was under the impression that they were not able to talk.

"Well, I haven't talked to all of them," she attempted to brighten the situation, glancing up in face-paced thought. "Only Mikey and Gerard...and Bob...and...Ray..." she trailed off, her voice getting smaller when she realized she listed all but one, like I had already predicted.

"D-Do they not want to talk to me?" I sounded alarmed as my mind did a quick run through of what happened on the tour. My mind swirled with negative possibilities- Maybe they really couldn’t wait to get rid of me. "Is it something I did?"

"No, Julie, no," Shelly immediately declined, taking an apologetic step forward. "We were trying to figure out when they should visit. It was supposed to be a surprise...to cheer you up."

"I don't need cheering up," I replied stubbornly, crossing my arms defiantly to reject her reason. The truth was, a surprise visit from them probably would have made me happy, but I was flustered and didn't really feel like being cooperative, especially with the knowledge I could have talked to them, even if it was out of good intentions in the long run.

"They’re coming to stay with us for the holidays," Shelly said, each word more reluctant than the one before, then trailed off, "If that's okay with you."

"Well, no shit, it's okay with me," I grumbled, my arms still folded childishly. "I just wish I would have known. Surprises aren't my forte."

"Yes, yes." Shelly placed her hands on my shoulders, already gained her usual momentum back. Looking me directly in the eye, she stated in a clear, serious tone, "But it was just for your benefit. We weren't keeping secrets, I swear. Just trying to make you happy."

"I know," I replied after a couple seconds, glancing downward. She removed her hands and fluffed up my hair jokingly, getting me to smile as I batted her away.

"We just want to see you smile," she said softly.

"Me too." I nodded, slowly embracing the idea. I really liked the thought of seeing them, like old times, even though in retrospective, it really wasn’t that long ago; the attachment I had with them was remarkable. I was fairly certain I could handle a well-deserved visit without being a basket case. After all, friends visiting shouldn't be too much to handle.

However, this was just an assumption.