So...Who Are You Again? My Chemical Romance? Never Heard of You.

As the end of the year approached from when I initially heard about My Chemical Romance’s planned visit, time seemed to pick up its pace. Before I knew it, several weeks turned into only one, a period in which I only talked to them on the phone a few times as Shelly had spilled the beans. Some speculation had been made by the guys she would do this, so they weren’t very peeved or anything.

“I still don’t know if Frank is coming,” Shelly brought up, as if we hadn’t already gone over this before.

“That makes two of us,” I replied, both her and I very aware of this fact. We’d pondered about it before every now and then, but Shelly was never able to get an answer. The idea of them visiting just seemed wonderful enough without considering the detail in my opinion, but that still didn’t stop the dreading feeling inside me that has developed recently as the time ticked closer and closer to their arrival.

“So, have you thought of what you’re going to say if he, you know, is here,” Shelly asked me with a scrunched up face, resulting in a very predictable sigh from me.

“Not at all,” I answered honestly, my face matching up with the contradiction that festered inside of me when my brain even considered the topic of seeing him, let alone talking to him again.

“Well, you probably shouldn’t ignore him,” she guessed, shrugging her shoulders. I silently agreed as I looked down, allowing my mind to further pursue the topic, rather than conversing. I couldn’t deny that I wanted to see him and time had no doubt subsided a bit of my anger. I still stuck to forgiving him, but I wasn’t sure if that would change if he were physically in front of me. However, I kept wondering back to when I grew happy just seeing him on a stupid interview show.

“I don’t know!” I suddenly exclaimed, throwing my hands up, defeated.

“Huh?” Shelly returned, startled by my sudden outburst after several moments of silence.

“I just don’t know what I feel about him, or what I’m going to say, if anything at all!” I explained, my voice slightly crescendoing as my brain got more and more cluttered with useless arguments trying to sway me this way or that.

“I’d say if it’s causing you this much trouble, you want to at least see him,” Shelly said softly, uncharacteristically not feeding off my hysterics. I blinked, tipping my head to the side.

“How do you reckon that?” I wondered, interested in her thought process for this one. She usually wasn’t too into analyzing. Or thinking, for that matter.

“You haven’t once come up with a definite no any time we’ve brought it up,” she replied, smiling softly. My concern heightened at how calm she was acting about this or what exactly she was getting at. She must have picked up on my confusion because she continued, “I never saw you so happy with someone before.”

Shelly took me by surprise with that one. If even she noticed my radiance with Frank, then there’s no denying it was real. I furrowed my eyebrows, a large factor still involved.

“And that’s why it hurt so badly when I saw what he did,” I whispered, pausing before adding, “and lied about it.”

“I’ve got your back and I’ll destroy him if you want me to. I don’t care how what his status is in this world,” she assured with hostility, causing a warm smile from me. “But,” she pressed on in a calmer tone, “I know you two could be happy again if you worked it out somehow.”

“What’s with you today?” I queried, still taken aback by her strangely kind advice and logic.

“I’ll answer when you tell me if we’re done with this conversation,” she said happily, crossing her feet with an abrupt burst of excitement. Before I could answer, she just held up her hand and said, “Never mind, I’d say it’s time to move onto me.”

I rolled my eyes in amusement, realizing she was being so patient with the conversation so that she had fair game to blabber about whatever Mikey news she had started sharing with me now. She’d taken a liking to telling me various sweet things he did over the past few months, and would nonstop talk about every new thing since she knew their conversation opportunities were unpredictable. Despite her very rough transition, I could tell she meant what she told me though.

--

A strike of anticipation ripped through me when I heard the doorbell ring. It had been agreed upon that the guys would take a cab to our abode so that they could get out of the airport faster and unnoticed. My stomach had been in knots the entire day, and I had felt especially on edge when it was already well into the night and they still hadn’t showed up. I glanced at the clock as Shelly and I jumped up to answer the door together.

12:45 am. That’s okay guys, you were definitely close to the “10:00 or something” that was estimated to Shelly.

Regardless of their bad time guessing skills, I beamed as soon as my eyes met a certain huddle of boys on our porch. There was a lot of commotion that the neighbors probably didn’t appreciate at that point. I usually took into consideration how our neighbors felt, but I absolutely didn’t care at that point, and neither did Shelly. Actually, I take that back; she’s never cared.

An endless amount of hugs spread around it seemed like before they even were able to fully get into our place. After a few minutes of joyous banter and helping them with their stuff in, I scanned each of their faces, my feeling of apprehension heightening.

“So…” I started with an awkward smile as the couple of greeting conversations dyed down, “There’s…four of you.” I didn’t really know how else to say it and I didn’t want to directly ask why Frank wasn’t there, an observation that I unfortunately noticed immediately, but was too drowned out by the glee I felt bubble inside of me at the sight of the other 4/5 of the band.

An uncomfortable air suddenly sprouted in the room, spreading around to everyone. The guys glanced around to each other, no one willing to step forward for an explanation.

“Well…” Gerard ventured reluctantly, turning his head to the side with a screwed up expression, visibly uncomfortable. “He decided not to come.”

“Oh, really.” I stated, my eyebrows drawing together, suddenly becoming very offended. I had secretly been hoping that he’d at least try and redeem himself with this visit. And I was even willing to hear him out this time.

“He didn’t think it was a good idea,” Mikey stepped in, relieving his brother from explaining further. I simply frowned to myself in thought, not wishing to expand on the subject anymore. It was just let down after let down with him, and I still cashed in every opportunely for it unknowingly.

“Did he say why?” Shelly asked curiously in the conversation when she realized that I wasn’t going to be the one to continue it. Once again, the guys didn’t say anything, probably wondering if the obvious reason wasn’t reason enough. “Isn’t he going to apologize?”

“Can we please not talk about this?” Ray asked, exasperated with the situation already. I admit I was too, and I gave myself a good mental punch for even bringing it up. “We’ve been here not even ten minutes; we can go over it later.”

“You’re right.” I put on a dazzling fake smile that fooled everyone, even me, as I pepped up my mood. Soon, I insisted on catching up with their lives since I hadn’t seen them in forever it seemed like. Their attitudes and sense of humor definitely hadn’t changed; we picked up exactly where we had been at the end of the tour.

After just siting and talking for a bit, I glanced toward the clock and realized it was already nearly 3 in the morning to my surprise. It didn’t feel like they had been here two hours at all already, especially since all we did was shoot the shit and have a few drinks.

“So not to be lame or anything,” Shelly yawned as she spoke a few minutes after I made this observation, emphasizing her next words, “but I’m really tired.”

I stayed silent as a round of agreements ripped from the guys, except for Bob who had already drifted off. I guess that could be an implied agreement. It was decided sleep time had arrived, so I gave them a rundown of what was where, then headed to my room since everyone else had pretty much scattered.

I sat quietly in my bed, not ready to sleep at all. My mind’s whirring made it impossible to sleep, even if I wanted to. I just couldn’t understand how I felt anymore. With an annoyed sigh, I finally stepped out of bed after thirty minutes of deliberating it, heading to the kitchen for some late night snackage.

I stepped quietly, not wanting to wake whoever was sleeping in the living room. I never really figured out who was sleeping where, but I decided it was best to just be silent wherever I was for good measure.

Absentmindedly, I grabbed a water bottle from the fridge after staring at it for about two minutes, nothing appealing catching my eye. With another sigh, I let the door shut softly and sat down at the kitchen table just for a change in atmosphere since it was obvious I wasn’t going to bed any time soon. My gaze fixated on the floor as I took tiny sips of water, which allowed my thoughts to blossom.

Frank, the subject of my eternal conundrum, popped into my head. I found he came to mind more than I’d liked nowadays, which sat uneasily with me, especially after knowing now that he opted not to come. He voluntarily didn’t come see me to patch things up, which just blew my mind. Was he waiting for an invitation to fully apologize and explain why he kissed his ex-girlfriend who cheated on him?

Sorry, Frank. They don't sell those at the store, and I'm definitely not making you one.

I pursed my lips thoughtfully as an idea formed in my head. It was surely an awful idea, but it intrigued me. I stood from my chair, abandoning the water bottle on the table, then skillfully walked to the living area without making any noise. I stood still, allowing my eyes to adjust to the dark atmosphere so I could pick out what was where. Scanning my vision along the coffee table in the room, I noticed exactly what I hoped would be there: someone’s cell phone.

I was going to get an explanation from Frank one way or another.

I snatched it up quickly, not caring whose it was, and exited the room, hoping that no one was awake to see me. I assumed not though since no one followed me, or even stirred when I was in the room.

I wouldn’t have to resort to such shady measures just to get a phone number if I actually used my cell phone like a normal person. I paid the bill on it and everything, but I just never kept up with it, so I never got any of their numbers. I told them it’d be pointless, especially I could never find my phone any time the subject came up. I probably should have pressed the matter more than I did so that I didn’t have to steal someone else’s phone for a certain contact in it, but that was neither here nor there at this particular moment in time.

As I flipped open the phone, I tried to figure out whose I’d picked up. I wasn’t about to go through whoever’s pictures, so I simply scrolled through the contacts until I found one Frank Iero. It took a couple seconds for me to actually press the green button to call.

However, once it started ringing, I realized fully what I was doing. I began panicking, not knowing what possessed me to call him at this hour to interrogate him with a speech that I’d only practiced in disjointed thoughts, rather than anything coherent, let alone problem solving.

“Hello?” a tired voice mumbled on the other line, causing my eyes to grow wide. I became slack-jawed, my voice completely erased from me. Immediately, I hung up.

Yes, that was the best solution I could think of at the time.

My heart raced, his voice still fresh in my mind. It was the first time I’d heard him speak since I watched a bit of that interview, which actually was the last place I saw his face. I gripped the phone tightly, still not believing myself. I was caught off guard when the phone rang, causing me to jump. My eyes widened even more, if possible, because I knew it was Frank calling back without even looking at the phone.

Stupidly, I stared at the phone, unable to get a grip. Slowly, I opened the phone, holding it up to my ear, gathering the courage to finish what I started, no matter how much I was trembling, every emotion possible slamming into each other internally at this point.

“Hello?” Frank voice demanded, his voice a little raspy, even though I hadn’t said anything. “Gerard, what do you want? It’s the middle of the fucking night.”

So this was Gerard’s phone. Thanks, I guess, Frank, for solving one mystery at hand. That being said, I’d appreciate if he could figure out the magnificent disappearing act my voice pulled.

“Shit, man,” Frank murmured, probably readying himself to hang up his phone, not awake enough to pursue whatever this was. I squeezed my eyes shut and let out a breath in attempt to calm my nerves.

“Frank,” I stated suddenly, creating a silence between us for several seconds. I removed the phone away from my ear to be sure he was still on the line. The bright screen that faced me confirmed this fact.

“Julie?" Frank finally questioned, reluctantly, his voice losing all fullness. I held my breath temporarily, knowing there was still enough time to hang up, but that would never solve anything.

“Yes,” I replied simply, still not knowing exactly why I called him. It was a stupid idea, and I was fully aware of that before I even grabbed Gerard's cell, but I let curiosity get the best of me, and here we were, sitting in an uncomfortable silence.

“Why are you on Gerard’s phone?” was all he could ask, out of everything floating around as an option. I didn’t even think that deserved an answer.

“Why are you not here?” I countered in a low, but firm voice, regaining bits of my confidence. This conversation was taking three times longer than any normal conversation due to the minimum three to five seconds we were putting in between each other’s sentences.

“You don’t want to see me.” Frank stated.

“You could have at least tried,” I told him. I felt very strange having this conversation over the phone. I hadn’t seen this guy in months and the last few conversations we had involved me being angry with him. I didn’t know how exactly to act, and I’m positive he didn’t either.

“I don’t think a phone call is the proper way to discuss this,” Frank said, as if reading my mind and settling my beliefs.

“Well you know,” I started off in a biting tone, “That’s why it’d be more convenient if you were here.”

“I didn’t think you’d want to talk to me,” Frank explained, not raising his voice to counter mine. He sounded pathetic, which made me feel bad for him. “I didn’t want to show up and see you, but not be able to talk to you.”

My eyebrows drew together, seeing his point. However, I shook my head and decided to remain strong in the matter because it was easier to be angry. I felt like I had a right to still be mad anyway; this only fueled the flames. “Sounds like you just wanted an excuse not to come.”

“No, that’s not it at all,” Frank said quickly, growing frustrated. “I honestly didn’t think you wanted to see me, so I didn’t come.”

“You could have tried to explain yourself. I told you we’d talk later.” I recalled the last exchange of words we shared with each other. I wondered several times between now and then how Frank had been doing, but shoved it out of my head each time. He betrayed me, not the other way around. I shouldn’t have to feel regret.

“How was I supposed to know that meant now?” Frank countered, bewildered. “Am I supposed to read your mind?”

“No,” I answered with a frown, “but you could try more than you clearly are.”

“Julie, living with my stupid decision sucks,” Frank whispered harshly. “It sucks to look back at what I did, and it really fucking sucks that I don’t have you to talk to anymore.”

“Well maybe you should have thought things through a little more,” I shot back, my voice growing louder, causing a sigh on the other line.

“Julie?” Someone outside my door suddenly called, followed by a short knock on the door, making me jump. I held the phone away from my ear with wide eyes, not knowing what to do with it. Frank started talking again, but I could make out none of the words in my jumbled and disjointed state, especially since I was uselessly just gripping the phone still.

My door opened softly, Gerard peeking in with a concerned expression. Quickly, I shoved his phone under my sheets, hanging it up in the process, still on edge.

“Sorry,” he said softly, offering an apologetic smile, “I just thought I heard you raise your voice.”

“Nope, you’re crazy, Gerard.” I smiled widely, causing his eyebrows to ascend, not expecting such a joyous response. A ring tone emitted from my bed sheets, completely ruining my story.

Dammit, Frank.

“Julie,” Gerard said slowly, opening the door a little wider, suspicion growing. I was able to stop the ringtone with whatever button I pushed, but the damage was already done. “Why do you have my phone?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I replied back innocently, smiling brightly at him. I fidgeted under the blankets to try and find the off button on his phone, but without having studied it before, I wound up pressing buttons aimlessly.

Gerard advanced further in the room and my smile drained off my face. He moved the sheets on my bed, revealing his phone in my hands, deep into the options menu from the random buttons I was pressing.

“Oh look,” I said, feigning surprise with a wavering smile. “I found your phone.”

His eyebrow rose, slowly reaching his hand out to retrieve his phone. I grumbled to myself sullenly, reluctantly handing it over. It started ringing again. Quickly, I snatched the phone back from Gerard, hoping he didn’t see who was calling.

“You have the wrong number,” I said once I answered the phone, hanging up on Frank. Gerard stared at me as I took out the battery from the back of his phone, wishing that I would have come up with that sooner so we wouldn't even be in this situation.

“Julie, that clearly said Frank Iero on it," he stated, his mouth hanging open from the unexpectedness of the situation. "And now you're dismantling my phone in front of me."

“No, I think they had the wrong number." I nodded my head definitely. "Now they definitely won't be able to bother you anymore right now."

“Why was Frank calling?” Gerard interrogated.

"Gerad," I scoffed, knowing I'd been caught, but hoping for the slight chance that he'd let it go with my overanimated antics. "I'm pretty sure that said 'Unknown'."

"Liar, liar, pants on fire," Gerard emphasized every word, mocking my over the top response.

I sighed in defeat, knowing well that I could easily come up with another retort for the sake of stalling this conversation, but chose not to. “I may have talked to him.”

Gerard sat down on my bed, staring at me blankly. He didn’t say anything for a while, which made me start feeling self-conscious. I squirmed uncomfortably, looking down at the floor, feeling embarrassed someone found out that I went to such measures to talk to Frank.

“He hasn’t been the same,” Gerard finally said, still showing no particular emotion. I simply looked at him, waiting for him to continue, rather than coming up with a reply. “You have no idea how much he’s beat himself up about this.”

“I wish he had showed up,” I stated, feeling tears prickle in my eyes. I hadn’t allowed myself to miss him for a minute until just a few minutes ago; I was finally realizing I couldn’t hold this against him forever.

“No one knew if you wanted him here,” he said, defending his friends. “We didn’t want you to have a bad time.”

“Someone could have asked,” I suggested softly, the thought appearing in my head every once in a while, knowing it would be the most direct way to solve this problem. Gerard cocked his head to the side, pursing his lips in inquisition.

“Would you have known the answer?” he asked, as if he understood every internal dilemma I had felt in regards toward seeing Frank. I matched his thoughtful gaze, until I eventually sighed.

“Probably not,” I admitted, wringing my hands as a distraction from Gerard’s eyes that never seemed to falter, as if he were challenging me to reveal what had been on my mind. I suddenly said, “I saw you guys on an interview a couple months ago.”

Gerard chuckled, his piercing eyes gaining a softer edge as a smile widened. “We’ve done a few of those, so forgive me when I tell you I don’t know which one you’re talking about.”

“It doesn’t matter.” I flapped my hand in the hair with a shake of my head. “But I saw you guys and I forgave Frank.”

“Just like that?” Gerard lowered his head in disbelief.

“Well, it was a progressive thing,” I corrected, wishing that I could just convey all the events that had happened while we were away from each other, living separate lives, but still impacted by the others as if we were still crammed into a bus together. “But yeah. Gerard, I don’t want us to not ever talk again.”

“That’s much better than the last time I talked to you about this.” Gerard still smiled crookedly, almost looking proud at what I had discovered. He shook his head of this expression, as he reminisced, “That seems like forever ago.” We both sat in silence a couple second, our thoughts briefly sweeping us away, until he added, “We’ve missed you two like crazy, by the way. In case we didn’t mention it.”

“Yes,” I paused to laugh, thinking back to our loud reunion, “We’ve missed you guys, too.”

“And we look forward to being bums in your lovely residence for the next couple of weeks. I expect good hospitality, hot meals, and a foot rub every night.” Gerard beamed, pointing down to his feet.

“I’m afraid you’ve made the wrong friends for that. Step on the streets though, and you’ll probably find some fan willing to hook you up.”

He simply returned a grin. I felt a little better joking around with him like we used to after getting used to it. I still thought it was ironic that one of the people I got along with the most was someone I’d probably known the least amount of time in my life. That being said, another fell into that category as well.

“I feel like I should reiterate that Frank hasn’t been the same,” he said slowly, carefully thinking out his words. “I think he…gave up.”

“Gave up?”

“I don’t think he feels like he deserves another chance, which explains him not showing up, or even talking to you.” Gerard cared deeply for his friend and I could tell this upset him, making the situation worse. The subject of his previous feelings for me hadn't come up yet either, and I wasn't about to be the one to do it, despite my curiosity. I had already created enough awkward moments the few hours they'd been here alone.

“Think I’ll ever see him again?” I thought out loud, an image of Frank’s dull and lifeless eyes formed suddenly in my imagination.

“It’s silly to even think that you won’t.” Gerard smiled sincerely. Holding up his phone, he asked, “When he calls back, what do I tell him?”

“Tell him that if he wants to talk to me, it’ll have to be in person,” I said my negotiation definitely, cementing in my head that we needed to see each other at some point to get this sorted out.

“I may paraphrase, just a little bit," he warmed, holding his thumb and pointer finger parallel to each other with about an inch of space. "I feel like it could use a couple swear words.”

“I'll allow it. As long as he gets the point," I confirmed with a nod, still not having firm beliefs on how to feel about the plan created. Well, I guess I'd find out one way or another.