So...Who Are You Again? My Chemical Romance? Never Heard of You.

What are you doing? My brain screamed at me on repeat, stemming an uninvited headache to add on top of everything. What are you doing? What are you doing?

I let out a sigh as Frank and I walked in silence, staring at the ground without a destination. This minute was the exact same as the fourteen before it: no words, no gestures, no glances. To the untrained eye, we were two complete strangers that happened to be heading the same way in a slightly closer than average proximity, which could be easily overlooked since there was still a fair amount of people packed into the walkways.

I didn’t know how to begin a conversation. I figured maybe in the time it took us to find somewhere to go, I would have compiled a plan on what to do, something I used to be a boss at. However, I was a changed lady it seemed like, and logic was just a thing of the past, a realization that had dawned on me months ago. I wished my rationality would come back.

Gradually, I slowed my pace as if my thoughts physically weighed me down. Eventually I out right stopped, glad there wasn’t someone directly behind me who would curse at my sudden halt. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Frank freeze as well, looking slightly alarmed. Without words, he stepped in front of me, bobbing his head down to try and catch my downward gaze.

“This feels weird, Frank,” I stated with a frown. I had dreaded every previous step that got us to this point and I felt excruciatingly uncomfortable. I’d never felt this bad hanging around Frank before, not even when he was being an asshole. He remained silent, the pavement below us now having a second pair of eyes on it. If he wasn’t willing to throw any of his thoughts around, I ignored the knot in my stomach and took the liberty of adding more. “I’ve gotten extremely used to not being around you, so it feels really wrong for you to be here. And speaking of, I still don’t know how you found me.”

“Sheer dumb luck,” he mumbled with a shrug, scrunching up his face. “I happened to be in the right place at the right time.”

“Don’t you think that time should have been a bit longer ago than today?” I wondered in a tiny voice, more so to myself than anyone else. Neither of us relieved the pavement of our stares yet. I couldn’t shake the apprehensive feeling I had about the entire situation; it seemed like the spark we used to have got stomped mercilessly into the ground.

“It took me so long to build up the courage to talk to you that I eventually talked myself out of it,” Frank explained, a tinge of guilt coating his words. “I can’t stand the fact that I hurt you.”

“Has it ever occurred to you that we’re maybe not meant to be together?” I blurted out suddenly, my gaze rising to him. I shocked myself with the question that I didn’t even realize was on my mind. Frank reflected a similar expression, though he looked down right petrified. His jaw hung open and his wide eyes, now on me, radiated fear. He looked as if I just informed him all of his friends were brutally murdered.

“I should have come sooner,” he whispered to himself, his gaze distancing from me. I could physically see Frank’s figure shrink before me along with his spirits as his breaths shortened. “Fuck, what is wrong with me?”

“Frank?” I addressed reluctantly as I began to worry due to his reaction. His attention was long gone from me or the walkway we stood on and not even his name snapped him out of it.

“Seriously, like, what the hell were you thinking?” he cursed at himself glancing back down at the ground now, throwing his arms out as if he were chastising his own reflection, rather than me who actually stood in front of him.

I stood there in panic, not sure what to say or do in Frank’s mental breakdown. Instead of saying anymore, all I could muster was to stare at him with tense muscles, taken aback. He closed his eyes, inhaling a deep breath, recomposing himself. Still, I observed his behavior, unsure as to what he would do next, which only heightened my uneasiness even more. My mind quickly threw me back to the similar fearful performance he followed months ago when Mikey had been sent on a quest to reunite Frank and I. Then I yelled at him and got drunk.

Yeah, good times.

“What happened that night?” he asked, eyes still shut, so I wasn’t sure if he was directing his question to me or not. As confirmation, his eyes opened heavily, dull from defeat, and connected with my sight. What kind of question was that?

“What?” I uttered ignorantly in a low tone, baffled as to what he was even talking about. There was no telling what sort of information he wanted.

“What happened?” Staring at him hopelessly, I held my mouth open, shaking my head to signal I still didn’t follow. I couldn’t even find the words to tell him if he could elaborate, that’d be great. He blinked rapidly and expanded, “Like, I want you to walk me through that night- what you did.”

Furrowing my eyebrows, I turned back my memory, picturing perfectly my repressed images. Seeing Frank flustered like this again and duplicating him and Lauren together in my mind had me practically seething. I had no idea how to rehash something of that magnitude when we both essentially knew what went down. Hurriedly, I summed up with articulate words, “I saw you in the back room. I waited for you to push her away, but you never did. I saw you, Frank, and you tried to lie to me about why you did it.” My words grew louder and louder, not knowing why he requested that I tell it from my point of view. Not like it made anything better. “Would you have even told me about it if I didn’t see anything?”

“Without a doubt,” he instantly answered in a definite tone, with a nod to emphasize. Narrowing my eyes, I hastily tapped my finger on my side, the inclination not to believe him winning internally.

“Is that true?”

“I haven’t talked to her since,” Frank informed, rubbing the back of his neck anxiously. “She tried talking to me a few times, but I’m never going to give her a chance again. The thought of her positively sickens me now.”

“Well,” I began, leaving the single word hanging in the air a few seconds, a bitter grin lasting on my face, “last time I heard that, you still wanted to see if you had any left-over feelings.”

“I had none. I have none,” Frank stuttered pathetically, sighing shortly a few times in frustration. Inhaling deeply, he stepped closer to me, seemingly completely stable all of the sudden with his eyes searching mine. I couldn’t imagine how strange we looked to passer-byers who held any sort of consideration to us. “I seriously can’t do this without you, Julie. You’re breaking my heart when you say we’re not supposed to be together.”

“It was merely a thought, since we’re not awesome with being stable and shit,” I mumbled, rolling my eyes. I didn’t like my conclusion either, but it seemed to make sense.

“That’s because all this random crap keeps happening!” he suddenly spoke loudly, gaining jerky movements to accentuate his words. “Like, I swear if we went somewhere without people, just the two of us, for the rest of our lives, I would be the happiest guy on the planet.” I bit my lip, determined not to let on how sweet that was, but he took no mind and resumed precipitously, “But the rest of the world just has it in for me. I don’t know why, but when other people mix in my life, it doesn’t work, and bad things happen, but I need someone to help me through that, and you’re an even better person than Lauren was because we would wind up just having sex instead of really talking things out sometimes, but I guess you really didn’t want to know-”

“Frank!” I chuckled at his rambling, taking hold of his shoulders to calm him down. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but shut up!”

His shoulders shrank at my touch and he exhaled through his nose, staring at me with a defeated look. After drawing his eyebrows together he mumbled, “I love you, Julie. I really do.” Taking no mind to my stunned expression, he took the opportunity to close the space between us and wrapping his arms around my waste, resting his head in the crook of my neck as I just stood there, my arms limply hanging at my side now.

“We-We barely know each other,” I stuttered back finally, not expecting our conversation to head this direction.

“I know enough,” he murmured into my neck, still sounding defeated. It’s like he prepared himself already for loss, which made my heart sink. I stood my ground, searching my mind for how I truly felt about him. In all honesty, I hadn’t ever considered a life with Frank, though I knew I had previously always wanted to be with him. We had a complicated relationship and we weren’t even a couple; our entire situation was so screwy.

“No, Frank,” I said with a heavy heart, stepping away from him. His head hung low as if it were still resting on my shoulder, which made me want to make all of his problems go away, completely contradicting my abrasive thoughts. Instead, I ended my sentence, “I think you’re just feeling sad right now.”

“If you say so,” he whispered, making me feel worse and worse by the second for shooting him down. It wasn’t logical in the least for the two of us to be together.

“You’re not thinking right and you’re probably-” I began to rattle off reasons for his rash decision when he stopped me, cupping my face with both of his hands. Slowly, he brought his face up to mine until we were an inch apart, my eyes looking into his. My eyelids fluttered closed as he lightly pressed his lips with mine, letting that cloying warm feeling spread through me. Damn I forgot how well that boy could kiss.

However, before deepening the kiss, I reluctantly pulled away. The butterflies disappeared, leaving a nasty feeling in their place. I looked away after barely a second of witnessing Frank’s obvious disenchantment, not able to stomach what I was about to do.

“You’re moving on too quickly, Frank,” I repeated, knowing that you don’t just get over a relationship in a few months, especially one that was years long in which marriage was heavily considered.

“Then I don’t know what I can do to make this better,” he admitted, sporting another frown. He remained silent, looking to be contemplative, but having no luck. He glanced back up to me, licking his lips, “What do you want me to do?”

“I shouldn’t have to prompt you,” I answered while shaking my head, though a developing part of me wanted to continue on and forget this whole thing ever happened. This weird desire had surfaced that pressed me to forgive him and admit that my life has sorta sucked without this interesting character I’d gotten to know.

However I was far too stubborn for that, and I felt that I had a right to be. My main fear was that something like this would happen again. Not necessarily kissing an ex-girlfriend, but the thing he was best at: making dumb decisions.

“You’re too special to let go,” he told me, in a calm, but serious, tone, his face softening to my surprise. I blinked a few times to be sure I was seeing correctly, but a smile tugged at his lips which did not characterize his previous hysterics in the least. I couldn’t help but look at him strangely, wondering what changed. “If you feel that way, I’m going to try every day until you see my dedication to you.”

“That’s completely absurd,” I replied with furrowed eyebrows, very tentative to this lighthearted banter we’d morphed into somehow.

“You, my dear, are worth it,” he said, bringing his pointer finger to my nose and tapping it lightly. His joyous attitude had always been contagious to me, and this situation was no difference since a light giggle escaped me, letting my guard drop to my surprise. “I’m going to ignore your rejection and play by my own rules.”

“When haven’t you?” I rolled my eyes, grateful the overwrought feeling between us was clearing. I wished we could start over, neither of us having any battle scars, but man has not yet created an undo button. Frank shrugged dismissively and continued looking me in the eye, exuding determination.

“I know I can do this,” he said with a nod, then smiled suddenly then continued, still in an even tone, “and it’s only a matter of time before I whisk you off your feet and we can live happily ever after.”

“I thought you didn’t believe in those,” I countered after a couple of seconds, growing suspicious.

“You’re the exception to my rule, and a damn good one at that.” Frank still grinned coyly at me, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, but then grew somber within a moment’s notice. “I still can never apologize enough for hurting you, and I will prove that some way or another. I don’t really know how to since I don’t, how should I put this,” he paused quickly, rolling his eyes upward, “apologize to people.”

“Go for it,” I prompted, strangely excited for what his mind was capable of planning. I hated to admit it, but I couldn’t help but look forward to our time spent together where I know he was only dedicated to me, rather than paying any mind to other drama happening. I forgave him, but I know I didn’t love him or fully trust him like I used to.

“You will not be disappointed,” he said, as if he’d just closed a business deal, earning a chortle out of me as a shook my head.

“So, what now?”

“What now?” Frank repeated my question in a louder voice, holding his arms out to emphasize that this was a completely dumb question and I should be punished for even uttering such a thing. Stepping up the volume he asked again, “What now?” My eyes widened, not entirely sure what I did wrong, until his figure relaxed again and he chuckled, and then said in a normal voice laced with amusement, “I dunno either.”

“Well, I should probably head back soon,” I ventured, ignoring his joking attitude with a smirk. Frank’s facial structure tightened after I said this, showing obvious discomfort with the information I laid on him. Raising an eyebrow, I asked, “Does anyone know you’re here?”

Judging by his reluctance, I had just a smidgen of an idea what the answer could be.

“Maybe, kinda sorta…ish,” Frank mumbled, and then took a breath. “Maybe not fully, per say.”

“So, that’s a no,” I summed up for him, to which he gave a hopeless smile to. Biting my lip, I glanced toward a car that had passed by. “Here we are again with our own schedule and everyone else completely oblivious.”

“In my defense, I did tell them I would talk to you at some point.” He looked slightly proud of his point, but then raised an eyebrow to second guess himself. “Although, this was a while ago. And the time frame was a little ambiguous.”

A little?

“Well, there’s no time like the present, I suppose,” I whispered, not letting his impromptu behavior get to me. Surprisingly, I was still used to, and already expecting, it.

“Do you have a pen and paper?” Frank questioned suddenly, completely ignoring my apprehension for how the guests at my place were going to react to Frank being there. Sure, they were best friends and whatnot, but they had to have gotten tired of drama nonsense between the two of us.

“No Frank. I do not have a pen and paper,” I stated in a monotone since he had broken my concentration, not even bothering to check in the purse I had with me.

“Y-You didn’t even look in your purse,” Frank objected, pointing to my bag, caught off guard at my decline with caused his voice to go up a little.

“Then you look in it,” I replied, shoving my purse in his direction, to which he flinched. I was very confused as to what was going on, but I had a feeling the pen and paper was extremely irrelevant to anything pertaining to our lives at the moment. Frank still hadn’t made a move to take my bag, so I waved my arm a little to show him it was still there, in case he forgot or something. “Well?”

“I’m not looking in there,” he declined with a concerned look on his face. “There’s probably lady stuff in there.”

I stared at him with disbelief, my jaw slightly open. “What are you? Thirteen?” With a sigh, I retracted my arm and then dug around until I found a little notebook, which I threw in Frank’s direction, followed shortly by the pencil I found. He clumsily caught them, deciding not to complain about my unprofessional manner of handing them over. Instead, Frank flipped to an empty page of the notebook and scribbled a few short things and held out both the pencil and paper back in my direction.

I sent one last glance of exasperation to which he prompted with his eyes for me to read what he wrote. Snatching back my utensils, I curiously looked at his urgent note he had to write.

I couldn’t help but soften my expression and let out a little laugh when I realized what he put. Horizontally, taking up half the page, read his initials followed by a heart followed by my initials, and then next to that was a box with a check in it. Underneath read the same thing, only the initials were in the opposite order and the box next to it wasn’t checked.

“That way you can carry it around with you as a reminder,” Frank piped up, “and when you decide you love me, you can just check that box so you won’t forget to tell me later.” He pointed to the empty box with an encouraged look. Dumbfounded, I could only look up at him, allowing some time in between his words and mine.

“You think of the most interesting things,” I told him, baffled as to how this idea even crossed his mind. He returned his childlike grin and we stood for a couple seconds, just looking at each other.

“Do you love me now?” he jested with a widening smile, causing me to playfully roll my eyes.

“No, do you see a check in this box yet?” I waved the notebook before putting them back in my purse. In all honesty, I’d probably forget it was even there, but I didn’t want to crush his dreams.

“See? Told you it’s going to happen,” he said to me without skipping a beat. “You said, ‘yet’.”

“We’re leaving now,” I informed, simply smiling at his assumption. I got tired of standing a while ago, so I was definitely ready to head back. There was no telling if things would actually work out between us or not, but I did know I liked having him back around for now. I just hoped I wouldn’t have to regret my second chance I’d given him.