Your Heart in My Hands

I am. Simplest sentence there is. Now fill in the blank. Hm...

I amfoolish.
I aminsane.
I amwrong for falling for John.
I amignorant.

I am... Hopeless.

Yeah, I think that fits. I never considered myself hopeless before, but, right now, it seems very accurate. I mean, in the words of the great Paramore, I'm quite optimistic for a pessimist, don't you think? I could also, possibly, be incredibly naive.

In retrospect, if I was a dead serious pessimist, I might have killed myself by now because of all the skeletons just dancing around my closet. It's just wonderful!

...Sarcasm dripping...

When The Maine finished performing and I saw John walk off stage with my own eyes, I plowed my way through the dense cloud of merch-hungry teenagers and out onto the sidewalk.

I ignored the random calls of my name from inside and took deep breaths, occasionally getting a whiff of someone's cigarette. It was rude, I admit, to not respond when Tina was trying to ask me something, but I was seriously suffocating in there. The venue is great but if you're there for a good hour in the same spot, it's torture.

Ha, tortuous. I can use that to describe how the sound of John's voice is. Then again, I can use angelic for that, too.

I'm just confused as hell.

I shook my head of any thoughts. I let 'Hero/Heroine' play on in my head as I clutched my arms to my chest. The goosebumps on my skin were raised from the chilled October breeze.

"And you caught me off guard. Now I'm running and screaming. I feel like a hero and you are my heroine. Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?" I sang to myself as I walked in a random direction.

My feet followed an unknown path to a monotonous nowhere. When I had finally realized where I was going, I breathed a sigh of relief.

I watched as the bands' buses and vans came into view. I stumbled up against The Maine's vans and looked up. The stars twinkled down to me, whispering their never ending playlist.

The sound of shuffling feet caught my attention. I sneaked a peak to the other side of the trailer.

John stood there with only the darkness as his companion. I watched as he sighed while his finger traced the year-old etchings on the faded white paint. My weary eyes studied the sidewalk. My self-controlled limbs led me closer to him and stopped short of his view.

I bit my tongue. I had to get John back, even if it was just as a friend. You'll find that our ways of apologizing were more complicated than others. I took a deep breath, "Three words, dear Romeo, and good night indeed. If thy bent of love be honorable, thy purpose... friendship, send me word tomorrow."

My head began to show the tiniest bit in my attempt to see if he noticed me. He looked to my direction with a wide-eyed curious stare, making the nerves on my skin dance with excitement.

I took another deep breath, "By and by I come to cease thy strife and leave me to my grief. Tomorrow I will send. A thousand times... Goodnight."

He sighed. To my surprise, he finished, "A thousand times the worse to want thy light. love goes toward love as school boys from their books; but love from love, toward school with heavy looks."

I stepped into his view, still faded in the luster of the dim moonlight, "You remembered."

He looked to his feet, "Sadly, yes."

When we were both struggling with English class in high school, we were partnered together to reenact a single scene from 'Romeo and Juliet'. Hence the last couple of lines that were just said.

I trembled as I walked towards him, "Did you ever bother to try and figure out what it meant?"

He glanced to me then back to the van, "Sometimes. When the world is quiet and the moon shines in just the right way."

"So scarcely?"

He looked to me, "I suppose so. What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be cheering on Alex?"

I shook my head and my thoughts of his subliminal insult, "Don't you ever wonder why I even bother leaving after you come off that stage?"

His brown eyes flooded my thoughts.

"If I really wanted to be with Alex, I wouldn't be here right now."

He scoffed, "That didn't stop you when you guys were cuddling in that room."

I walked right up to him, stopping just in front of his face, "Listen to me. I do not like Alex. If you hadn't had your head dead set on slamming the door in my face in the first place, you would have realized that he was apologizing to me."

He rolled his eyes, "Apologizing about what? Huh? Answer me that."

"Oh, I intended to. He was apologizing about the dare."

His eyes squinted in question, "What about the dare?"

"He rigged it, John."

"Rigged it?"

"Yes, so, in short, you wasted precious time when you ignored me. Alex rigged the game."

He shook his head, "That's a lie, right?"

"Do I look like I'm lying?"

"If he started this, then why are you handing out apologies? Shouldn't he be the one doing it?"

I blinked away faint tears from the corners of my eyes, "Because you're my friend, John. And if that was last time I see you, I'd rather not live with the thought of the last word that I said to you was something that could have meant the same thing as 'I hate you.'" I paused. "I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I'd rather die than not have you in my life."