We Need No Introduction

I learned something about myself today.

Just a little bit ago, actually.

I am a very vengeful person.

“He’s going to be so pissed off at you, you know that, right?” Matt asked me as we carefully filled water balloons full of curdled milk. I knew this would come in handy one day. I’ve been waiting to use this forever.

“Yeah, but it’s worth it,” I responded, tying my balloon.

“This is so gross,” Jimmy commented. “But it’s going to be so funny.”

“I know. Why else would I be doing it? Besides, it’s for a good cause.”

“For police following you to Wal-Mart.”

“Exactly.”

“Would you do the same if it was me who’d done that?” Matt asked.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’d never do it.”

“That you know of.”

“You’re not that much of an asshole, Matt.”

Matt laughed but continued to help me, just as Jimmy had. Once done, Matt called Bam. The bait? He asked him to come over so he’d help him prank me. This was all there was in this world to my friends, apparently. Pranking. Girlfriend dumped you? Prank them. Teacher fails you? Prank them. Friend leads cops into Wal-Mart because they were idiots and you followed them? Prank them.

Matt, Jimmy and I waited stealthily behind some trees in Matt’s front yard, each a balloon in hand. Soon, Bam was in view; his car pulled into Matt’s driveway. I positioned my arm above my head, aiming.

“Aim,” I told the other two. Bam stepped out of the car, and in that first second as Bam was in full view, my balloon was thrown.

“Perfect,” I whispered. “Go!” I screamed, grabbing another balloon and throwing it, Matt and Jimmy following my example. Bam was beginning to be covered in old, rotten milk, and it was the funniest thing I had ever seen. Bam threw up, and I was keeping it in. “Paybacks a bitch, isn’t it, Bam?” I asked as Matt and Jimmy laughed in the background. I broke another balloon on his head, careful not to get anything on me.

“What the hell?!” Bam exploded, spitting whatever was in his mouth out.

“Next time cops follow me into Wal-Mart with your help, expect worse,” I sneered, walking off to the direction of my house.

“No you fucking don’t!” Bam yelled. I looked behind me only to see him chasing me. I let out a scream and started to pick up my own pace, running as fast as I could. I didn’t even know if it was fast enough.

“Matt! Jimmy!” I screamed. “Help me!” I could only hear their laughs as Bam continued to chase me around the lawn. I didn’t know what he was going to do when he caught me but I didn’t want to know. The idea was not at all anticipated.

I made loops to try and elude him, but it wasn’t helping. He always ended up closing in. Finally, I just couldn’t run anymore. My lungs and legs had given out and I couldn’t breathe. I slowed down, but I couldn’t stop. I wouldn’t. I gave one last scream as Bam flew into me, the rotten milk getting in my hair and all over my clothing. This would be hard to get out, and shampooing this shit out would take forever.

“Fuck!” I screamed, Bam purposefully rubbing himself allover me, trying to get as much possible on me and off him. I was flipped over and more of the torture went on. This plan backfired majorly. “Stop!” I screamed.

“No! Don’t stop, Bam! I like it too much!” Jimmy said in a highly pitched voice. The morons were just watching and laughing, not helping me at all.

They’d be next, so it’s okay. Haha, I can picture it now. ‘Two Teenage Boys Die. Cause of Death: Unknown.’ It would definitely be interest to see how it pays off.

“Bam stop! Get the fuck off me!” I screamed, trying to push him away. The feat was no use; he was just too strong.

“You know you want this, Blair, so stop moving around,” Bam whispered in my ear.

“What the hell?! No raping to my vagina is allowed! No mas!”

Bam laughed. “You can’t rape the willing.”

My arms were pinned to my side under his weight. “Oh, so you’re going to rape my as a way to prank me back?”

“Hells no! I don’t need to! I already have a plan! I just thought this would be fun,” he said, wiping his body on me more.

“God, that smells disgusting.”

“I know, right?”

“Matt! Jimmy! Bam’s trying to rape me!” I looked back and saw Brian and Johnny C. there. “Brian! Help!” I screamed. He just looked over and laughed after Matt and Jimmy had explained it to them. Johnny c.? Please?” I begged. Bam just laughed in my ear and sloppily kissed my lips with his own. Thank God there was no curdled mild on those. The unexpected thing about that was Bam’s lips were surprisingly soft. I never expected that. Maybe he moisturizes?

Bam finally got off me and I managed to get up. I trudged over to Matt, Jimmy, Brian and Johnny and sent daggers. Then I punched each and everyone one of them.

“You guys are faggots!” I screamed. “What if I was actually being raped?!”

“It’s Bam!” Johnny said. “Like he’d to that!”

I rolled my eyes. I wouldn’t give him the benefit of the doubt, no matter which way it goes.

“I’ve got my eyes on you. Macfadden!” Bam said.

“Oh, fuck off!” I yelled, crossing my arms.

“Maybe you should go home and take a shower?” Brian suggested as Bam peeled out of the driveway.

I turned the direction of my house. “Don’t wait up for me,” I told them sarcastically.

After ten shampooing, half of my hair dye being lost, and a whole shitload of soap later, I finally managed to smell clean. The hot water was gone for the rest of the day, but I was clean nonetheless. I made my way out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around me and went to my room. There Bam was, clean himself, sitting on my bed. I made out a little yelp and jumped back a bit. Damn everyone in the house for being at work right now. Why didn’t I take the job offer?! Why? Why?

“Why are you in here?” I whined.

“Scaring you,” he said, shifting himself around so that he was lying with his feet kicked up. I rolled my eyes and went to my dresser, taking out first a bra, and a pair of underwear. I’ve never been one to be ashamed of nudity, so I put these on in front of him, knowing one hundred percent that it was giving the man a boner.

“How do you like the show?” I asked him when I reached my closet.

“What?” he choked. “I’m not watching. Ew… Blair… naked… ew…”

I laughed. “You aren’t really convincing me.” I pulled on a pair of jeans and looked for a shirt.

“First you think I’m going to rape me and then you willingly change in front of me?”

I nodded. “I’m not ashamed. Why? Are you?”

Bam scoffed. “You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you?”

“Bam,” I said as I pulled on a shirt. “Why are you in here?” I reached for my dresser and grabbed my hairbrush, pulling it through the little bit I had.

He shrugged. “Trying to startle you?” he tried.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “No, the real reason.”

“Oh, I just wanted to see you naked.”

“Bam!” I screeched, throwing the hairbrush at him.

“I thought you weren’t ashamed of nudity!” he yelled back.

“I’m not! But that was really mean!”

“You do look hot naked.”

“Bam!”