Dirty Little Secret

*POV Switch*

~6 months later~

I stare at my feet, which are propped up on the table in the dressing room, noticing just how fat everything has gotten. My ankles, my feet, everything has ballooned in the last few months and I hate it.

What I hate even more is how I can never find a comfortable position when I lie down, making it nearly impossible to get any rest. And then the cravings! Normally I would think pickles alone are disgusting, now I want them with just about everything I eat! Even ice cream! It’s insanity!

This whole damn pregnancy has been insanity. I don’t even know the doctor who’s going to be delivering the baby because I’ve been on the road with the guys. But I guess that’s my own fault since I refused to leave them, even though I had to stop working merch when I was about five months along. As a consequence I’ve never gone to see the same doctor twice; each one having to get my files from the previous, it is quite a hassle.

Maybe it’s time for me to stop touring. Myla has been looking for a new place for me, said she found one that would work for a while…

“So I’ve been talking to the guys and we’ve agreed it’d be best if I go on sabbatical,” Chuck announces.

When did he come in here?

I turn to look at him, frowning.

“Why are you going to do that?”

“Because I need to be with you and the baby. You’ve got less than a month before the baby’s due and we need to settle down and get stuff ready for the baby out in Montreal.”

My brow furrows. “Montreal?”

“Yeah. You know, home?” He states, sitting down next to me.

I shake my head. “It’s not my home.”

He chuckles. “But it will be once you move in with me.”

“But I don’t want to have the baby in Montreal,” I reply softly.

“Why not?”

“I want Myla to be there when it’s born.”

“And she will be. We can fly her out. It won’t be a problem.”

“No, I want to have my baby in the States,” I state firmly.

He bites his lip. “Where exactly? The States is a pretty vague concept. Will any state do or do you have a particular one in mind?”

“I was thinking California; around Long Beach.”

“Of course you were,” he mutters.

I ignore his comment. “That way Myla will be able to be there with no problems. And Val can be there, too.”

“Val?”

“Val DiBenedetto.”

“I know who she is. But why Val?”

“She’s one of my closest friends. Why wouldn’t I want her there? And I guess I should have talked it over with you, but I was going to make Val the baby’s godmother.”

“Oh…”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. It’s just that I’ve planned on making her the
godmother since I was about three months along.”

“Why her?”

“Because Val is one of my closest friends, and if anything happened to us and our families can’t take care of the baby then I trust her enough to. I know I’ll have to do some legal stuff to make sure that she and Matt will end up being foster parents, but I like the thought of them raising it if we can’t…” I bite my lip. “I’ve also been considering Bri to be the godfather. He and Michelle would do a really good job, too… But I'm leaning more towards Val and Matt.”

“But why them? Why not Pierre and Lachelle? Or Jeff and France? Why are just Avenged guys being considered?”

I shrug. “I never thought of them. Besides, Pierre and Jeff are already designated ‘uncles’.”

“It doesn’t mean that they can’t be godparents.”

I can’t think of anything to say.

“But Matt and Val will be great,” he says encouragingly.

I remain silent.

He lets out a heavy sigh. “So what else have you planned without me?”

His words sting. It’s not like I was thinking, ‘Oh, what can I do behind Chuck’s back that will piss him off?’ when I decided I wanted Val to be the godmother and thought about Bri or Matt being its godfather. I was just thinking of who I would want to take care of the baby if something were to happen.

And I guess I want the baby to have ties to Avenged somehow so Zacky’s not a total stranger to them… So that he can interact with them somehow, even if he never finds out they’re his child.

“Nothing else… Just godparents and where I wanted to give birth. Other than that I haven’t been thinking about much,” I reply calmly, not letting my agitation show.

“So California?”

“Yeah. Myla found a place for me that's bigger than my old place; it’s big enough for me and the baby. Even big enough for you to join us; for those times when you’re not touring…” I inform him, trailing my fingers up and down his thigh.

“I’m not a citizen. I don’t know if I’ll be able to stay in California.”

“And I’m not a Canadian citizen, but you have no problem making me live there,” I spit venomously.

He grimaces. “I guess you have a point there…”

“Listen,” I take his hands in mine. “You don’t have to take off. I’ll be fine on my own. The place Myla found is close to hers so she’ll be minutes away.”

“But what about when you go into labor? I want to be there when the baby is born.”

I look at him helplessly. I don’t know what to do. I want to get off the road. I need to get off the road, for my sake and the baby’s. My doctors have been encouraging me to get off the road, to settle down someplace because this lifestyle isn’t the best for my child. But Chuck wants to be with me, and I can’t let him stop touring just because of me.

What kind of mess did I get myself into with this baby? Maybe I should have just told the truth, let everyone know that I got drunk and slept with Zacky.

I wouldn’t be the first woman to have a drunken one night stand with a friend… But most of those women don’t end up pregnant. And even if they did, the chances of them keeping the baby are probably slim…

I sigh. “Then I guess we’ll just stay on the road. The baby will be born in whatever city you guys are playing in.”

He frowns. “That’s not a good idea.”

“But it’s the best we’ve got. I’m not going to let you stop touring just because of me and this baby. I don’t want to move to Montreal and you can’t stay legally in California, so staying on the road for the last month of the pregnancy is our only option. I’ll just have to sacrifice Myla and Val being there when I have the baby.”

“I’m really sorry about this…”

“It’s okay,” I reply, giving him a gentle smile. “Really, it is. What’s most important is that the baby’s daddy is there.”

He looks solemn and I realize that I said the wrong thing; I hit a nerve.

Even after all these months he still doesn’t feel like he’s the father. He’s been to every sonogram, dealt with every single one of my strange cravings, put up with all of my mood swings straight out of Hell, and yet he still doesn’t feel like he’s the father.

I place a finger under his chin and make him look at me. I gaze into his hazel eyes, seeing the sadness in them.

“Chuck, you know what I meant. As far as I’m concerned you are the father.”

“But you’re right, it’s important that its dad is there.”

“Chuck, as far as I’m concerned, you’re the dad! The guy that did this to me means nothing to me; he means nothing to this baby. You’re all that matters,” I tell him, gently squeezing his hand.

I feel an odd pang in my heart when I say that the father means nothing to me. But it’s true, Zacky means nothing… Not anymore. Not after six months and no word.

He gives a weak smile. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

He places a soft kiss on my lips. “I love you.”

“Me too.”

He bites his lip and takes a deep breath. “So have you considered baby names yet?”

“Not really. Have you?”

“Kinda. I like the name Travis for a boy and Chantel for a girl.”

“Oh…” They aren't exactly what I would have thought of...

His face falls. “You don’t like them?”

“They’re fine…”

“You hate them, don’t you?”

“Hate’s such a strong word.”

“I don’t even know why I brought this up. I should have known we’d just end up fighting. We always do!”

He gets up and I quickly try to pull myself up to my feet, steadying myself with the arm of the couch. I grab his arm before he gets too far away.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound like I hate the names. They’re fine names, I just think we should look at a few more options before we decide.”

He shakes his head. “No, I’m sorry. I overreacted. It’s just… We always fight now.”

“I’m hormonal, what can I say?” I say, tossing my hands up in the air.

He smiles and kisses my forehead. “You are absolutely adorable. I love you so much.”