Trying and Failing.
Chapter Four
She had been keeping a journal since she was ten. She wrote down all of her thoughts and dreams in there. She wrote down everything she said and everything she could never tell anyone. It was her only friend, the only thing that understood her.
Jan. 13 2008.
Sometimes I dream I’m flying. I’m walking down the street and suddenly the wind picks up, next thing I know I’m flying in an endless sea of blue. The wind is whipping my hair in my face and I’m weightless, completely weightless.
When you’re in the sky weight doesn’t matter. Beauty is just a figment of your imagination and you don’t need to breath. Breathing is for real people, and when you are flying high in the sky you aren’t real. You’re an angel. I keep thinking maybe it is possible, maybe if I lose a couple more pounds I can be truly weightless. Maybe if I push a bit harder. Then maybe I can be an angel, my Father’s perfect little angel.
Every time I have the dream I wake up crying. I don’t understand it. Angels don’t cry, so why can’t I ever stop?
Jan. 16 2008.
I’m one pound away from my goal, but I don’t think I’ll stop there. I’ll feel like I’m settling. Katherine Banks, the almost supermodel. Katherine Banks, the almost genius.
Katherine Banks, the girl who almost reached perfection.
I just can’t be that girl.
She kept the book on the bottom shelf of her nightstand. It was her prized possession, even though it wasn’t as nice as her other things. The clasp was broken from nine years of sadness. Most of the pages were splotchy and almost unreadable. But she didn’t care; she loved feeling the thickness of it. She loved the twinge of relief she felt as she held it.
It was her heart on paper. It gave her an odd sense of security in a world with everything but security.
Some people are always in the future, you see them passing you by but they aren’t really there. They’re already at their destination, already home heading to bed. Already in tomorrow. Some people are stuck in the past, always remembering and criticizing. They think of all they could have done better, they think and analyze what everyone said until it all blurs together in a mush of hate and discontent. Katherine was definitely the latter. Her mind was stuck in the past but her body was in the present.
She measured calories and carbs, beating herself up about this or about that. She’d starve herself for days because she had an extra bowl of cereal that morning but while she did all this she was in the past, her mind was still on her dad’s lap or lying unconscious next to her father’s dead body. In her mind she could never be good enough, not until she was truly an angel.
Jan. 18 2008
81 pounds. I’ll never make it to heaven if I’m this fat.
Jan. 13 2008.
Sometimes I dream I’m flying. I’m walking down the street and suddenly the wind picks up, next thing I know I’m flying in an endless sea of blue. The wind is whipping my hair in my face and I’m weightless, completely weightless.
When you’re in the sky weight doesn’t matter. Beauty is just a figment of your imagination and you don’t need to breath. Breathing is for real people, and when you are flying high in the sky you aren’t real. You’re an angel. I keep thinking maybe it is possible, maybe if I lose a couple more pounds I can be truly weightless. Maybe if I push a bit harder. Then maybe I can be an angel, my Father’s perfect little angel.
Every time I have the dream I wake up crying. I don’t understand it. Angels don’t cry, so why can’t I ever stop?
Jan. 16 2008.
I’m one pound away from my goal, but I don’t think I’ll stop there. I’ll feel like I’m settling. Katherine Banks, the almost supermodel. Katherine Banks, the almost genius.
Katherine Banks, the girl who almost reached perfection.
I just can’t be that girl.
She kept the book on the bottom shelf of her nightstand. It was her prized possession, even though it wasn’t as nice as her other things. The clasp was broken from nine years of sadness. Most of the pages were splotchy and almost unreadable. But she didn’t care; she loved feeling the thickness of it. She loved the twinge of relief she felt as she held it.
It was her heart on paper. It gave her an odd sense of security in a world with everything but security.
Some people are always in the future, you see them passing you by but they aren’t really there. They’re already at their destination, already home heading to bed. Already in tomorrow. Some people are stuck in the past, always remembering and criticizing. They think of all they could have done better, they think and analyze what everyone said until it all blurs together in a mush of hate and discontent. Katherine was definitely the latter. Her mind was stuck in the past but her body was in the present.
She measured calories and carbs, beating herself up about this or about that. She’d starve herself for days because she had an extra bowl of cereal that morning but while she did all this she was in the past, her mind was still on her dad’s lap or lying unconscious next to her father’s dead body. In her mind she could never be good enough, not until she was truly an angel.
Jan. 18 2008
81 pounds. I’ll never make it to heaven if I’m this fat.
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The next chapter is the final chapter.Comments are love.