This Little Game We Like To Play

I fail at staying away from James. I fail at not listening to his new methods of hurting myself. Eventually they figure out that I’m getting my ideas from James so we each get separated. I now have Nikki with me constantly to ensure I don’t hurt myself. I feel like a child. I need to stop but I can’t.

I let my nails grow so I can use them to scratch myself until I bleed. They figure out what I’m doing and cut my nails down to nothing. I start fights with other guys just to get hurt. They put me in isolation. Every time I find a new way to feel pain it’s like starting over from day one.

I’ve been here a year and I’ve made little to no progress. I want to get out of this hell hole. I’m sick of only eating finger foods, I’m sick of having only Nikki to talk to, I’m sick of the florescent lights, I’m sick of the ugly blue and darker blue color scheme, I’m sick of the smell, I’m sick of it all. I just want to go home.

“I want to go home.” I whine not moving from my curled up position on my bed.

“Hun, I want you to go home too. You need to better first, you can’t get better if you stay in bed all day.” Nikki says pulling the blankets off me.

“Fine.” I grumble promising myself that as soon as I get out of this place I’m going to find Quinn and I’m and tell her exactly what she means to me.

For the next half a year I excel in my process of getting better. With James out of my life and the drive to get out of here I do better than I expect. I get out isolation and going group therapy again. This time I actually learn things. I get out of rehab a few months later.

My parents are happy to have me home, my siblings are even happier. They grew so much, if I didn’t know Dylan’s blue eyes I wouldn’t have known that the boy in front of me is my brother. I hug him for probably the first time in my life. Maggie, she looks so different. Her hair is longer and darker. She’s much taller and mature than I remember. I hug her too.

Alex shows up three days after I get home ready to supply me with more pills. I don’t see why I ever considered him a friend. He never tried to help me. He only looked out for himself by selling me all sorts of things. Needless to say, I told him to go fuck himself and slammed the door in his face.

I also found out that Quinn and her family moved to Arizona. Ari-fucking-zona. How and the hell and I supposed to get to Arizona? I’ll tell you how. I wait until everyone’s asleep, grab the keys, grab some money, grab some clothes, find her new address, and go.

I do just that. I slowly back out of the driveway leaving the headlights of the SUV off so they won’t shine in the window and possibly wake anyone up. I need to go alone. I know my parents would want to come if they knew where I’m going.

It’s going to take me days to get to Arizona but it’s worth it.

“Fucking piece of shit.” I curse at the vehicle as it hisses and refuses to move anymore. I drop my head onto the steering wheeling on the side of the suburban street. I take my all my stuff out of the car and start to walk after I lock it. I’m in the of the fucking suburbs in the middle of who fucking knows Arizona. Great.

I walk a few minutes through the streets of the neighbor hood until I find a man outside and asking him how to get to the address scribbled on the piece of paper I carry with me. He tells me I have to walk about five miles in the Arizona heat. Did I mention how much I fucking hate Arizona? No. Well, I fucking hate Arizona.”