Messed Up Youthful Innocence

(Petey’s POV)

“Seriously Dad, why do we have to do this?” I asked as Drew and I sat down on the amps in the studio.

“Because your mother said so.” Dad said as him and Andy pulled up chairs in front of us.

“Wow Dad, looks like we know who’s the pants of that relationship.”

“It’s not so much who is the pants of the relationship. It’s more like who’s taking off the other’s pants first.”

“Ewww! Dad please don’t start with your’s and Mom’ sex life. It’s gross.”

“How is that gross?? That’s how you got here in the first place.”

“Please stop before I puke.” I said as I tried to keep the junk food that I just ate down.

“Ok let’s get serious about this ‘cause I think this whole thing is giving me a headache.”

“Is it possible to get a headache while… you know…”

“Fucking, Dad?” Drew said finishing his father’s sentence.

“Yea fucking… wait no! Don’t call it that.”

“It’s possible. I gave one to Erelin.”

“How?”

“Please, Dad. I don’t want to hear this!” I whined.

“One word: Shower.”

“EWWW!” Drew and I said at the same time.

“Nice!” Andy said.

“Dad, you and Mom are never to have sex again.”

“I might listen to you, but your mother would get a little demanding and…”

“Ok Dad. I get it.” I said as I shuddered to the fact that Mom and Dad and… yea.

“Ok we need to get this over with ‘cause this is going no where.” Andy said.

“Alright… I don’t wanna make them suffer any longer.” Dad said.

“You already are!” I said.

“Right… Well. I guess it’s time we tell you that when it comes to sex, you should use protection.” Andy said.

“Very true. If you come home with a girl pregnant, well not only would you die, but us too because your mothers with be so pissed if we didn’t teach you right.” Dad said.

“Define teach us right…” I said.

Dad and Uncle Andy looked at each other. They mumbled some words underneath their breath, and we couldn’t understand what they were saying. Finally, Dad huffed out a moan and went upstairs without telling us where he was going. Drew and I watched as he walked out of the studio and upstairs. We both then looked over at Uncle Andy who was giving us an awkward smile.

“Just bear with us ok? Please listen, Drew. I don’t want to find out that Pete killed you because you got his daughter pregnant. I would like to have both of my children alive.” Andy said.

“Don’t worry, Dad. We haven’t done anything. Plus, we aren’t stupid.” Drew said.

“I know… I just don’t want you to die.” Andy said, with his voice cracking a little.

Just then Dad came down the stairs with some stuff in his hands. Drew and I looked over at each other and raised our eyebrows. I might have been mistaken, but I could have sworn that I saw bananas and condoms in Dad’s hands. As he came closer to us, more like right in front of us, I saw that I was right. I also found out that I am going to die after this.

“Alright, well it’s time to get this over with. So, let’s pretend that this is… you know.” Dad said as he held up a banana.

I just groaned and slapped my head against my forehead.

“I can’t believe this.” I groaned.

“Well believe. Stop moaning and just watch so we can get this over with.” Dad said.

“Ok well protection is the key here. It shouldn’t be just the girl’s job, but yours as well. Just remember, it’s two people in the relationship. You have to have protection too, not just her. Ok well obviously we would use condoms. Now to demonstrate, Andy here is going to put it on the banana.”

“Me??? No, it should be you.” Andy said looking over at him.

“No… You.”

Dad and Andy looked at each other. They both narrowed their eyes at each other. Then they sighed and looked down at the bananas.

“Ok well you start off with opening up the condom. Then you just slip it on…” Dad said.

I looked at him like he was crazy. Drew and I knew what to do. I mean we did have sex-ed in school. I just couldn’t believe my dad was trying to show us this. Drew and I watched in horror as we saw Dad struggle to put the condom on. When he was able to put it on, it ripped.

“Uhhh that wasn’t suppose to happen.” Dad said.

“See I told you. You wouldn’t be able to put this on.” Andy said.

“Whatever. Alright well let’s try again…” Dad said.

He opened up another one and tried to slip it on to the banana. Within seconds, it ripped again. I could tell Dad was getting frustrated with this. The little vein in his head started to pop a little bit, and his fists started to clench.

“Are you serious? Pete, let me do it.” Andy said.

“Be my guest.” Dad said.

Andy then opened up another condom and tried to put it on the banana. He succeeded, but then when he was rolling it down, the side of it ripped.

“Please stop the torture. If you’re doing this just to kill us slowly, you’re already doing it.” Drew said.

“No, we’re not. I don’t get it…” Andy said.

He opened up another one and tried to put it on another banana. He almost got it on, but the tip ended up breaking. We all groaned as we heard laughter coming from the stairs. We didn’t notice that the Mom, Aunt Chrissy, Kay, and Katie were standing there watching us.

“Oh wow.” Mom said as she looked at the mess that Dad and Andy made.

“Is it really that hard to put a condom on a banana?” Chrissy asked.

“Well you try and put it on…” Andy said.

Mom and Chrissy looked at each other and walked over to them. The pulled out another condom and opened the wrapper. They grabbed the banana and put it on within seconds, not even ripping it.

“Was that so hard?” Mom asked.

“How the hell?!?” Dad exclaimed.

“It isn’t so hard.” Chrissy said,

“Yea, and you know we have cucumbers upstairs in the fridge right?” Mom said.

Dad and Andy both rolled their eyes and groaned. All Mom and Chrissy did was just giggle.

“Wow I can’t believe this. Did you two even learn anything?” Mom asked.

“Uhhh yea at school! We have sex-ed.” Drew said.

“Really?! Thank God. We don’t have to do this anymore.” Andy said.

“Please, don’t. You guys have already ruined a lot for me already.” I said.

“Petey…” Mom said with her eyebrow raised.

“It’s true!! You try and watch your Dad and uncle put a condom on a banana four times and have it rip!” I said.

“Four?” Chrissy asked.

“Are you serious?” Mom said.

“Uh yea…” Dad said.

“Oh man. Come on boys, I think you guys suffered enough. Come on, let’s get something to eat.”

“I don’t think I have the appetite to eat anything after that.” Drew said.

“Me either.” I said.

“Just come on.” Mom said.

She turned around and headed upstairs with Chrissy. The girls as they stood their laughing at the whole thing. They then followed Mom and Chrissy upstairs.

“You boys better clean that up, and by boys I mean Pete and Andy.” Mom yelled.

They both groaned and grabbed everything as Drew and me went upstairs. We reached the kitchen to find Mom and Chrissy grabbing their purses and keys. Mom walked over to me, smiled and hugged me.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that…” She said with a laugh.

“Mom, I promise I won’t bring home a girl pregnant. I know everything, just please… don’t let Dad demonstrate that to me ever again.”

“Well if you do bring a girl home pregnant, your father and I will definitely make sure it will stick to your head forever.” Mom said as she let go but kept her arm wrapped around me.

I cringed a little bit.

“I’ll never have sex ‘til I get married.” I mumbled.

“Somehow that surprises me a little.” Mom said.

“What? Why?”

“Are you kidding me? You are your father’s son.” Mom said as she finally let go and walked over to Dad.

He had come upstairs already and threw out all the stuff that they used.

“Whatever. I can never look at a banana the same again.” I mumbled.

“Me either.” Drew said as he came out of nowhere.