Forever Fades Away

I sat in the waiting room full of Brian’s family and friends. The carpet on the floor was an ugly mixture of purples and browns. It also smelled like old gym shoes. I pulled myself from the floor and left the waiting room.

Brian needed an emergency valve replacement. Well, he could have denied the replacement, but that would have resulted in his heart actually getting bigger. There were other risks as well, like heart failure due to arrhythmias. He chose the replacement.

A doctor came into the waiting room to explain what exactly the replacement does. Turns out there are two different kinds; an artificial one that is man made, and a biological type, which comes from cows and pigs. Each have their pros and cons.

Brian chose the biological replacement. He wouldn’t need blood thinners to prevent blood clots in his heart. His valves would eventually weaken, thus causing them to need replacement after about ten years.

I left OR waiting room to walk around the halls. I needed to get my mind off of things. It was then I remembered the camcorder. I had left it back at the venue. Out of frustration, tears began to glow down my cheeks. I ran to the bathroom before anyone could see me.

My reflection in the mirror wasn’t shocking to me. If you were to see me though, you would think otherwise. My makeup was long gone but my eyeliner was still there, or at least somewhat there. I had formed raccoon eyes around each ocular sphere. I tried to wipe it away.

My hair was tied back into a messy ponytail but you could clearly see visible knots. The other people in the waiting room looked just the same.

I found myself sitting outside in the smoking area. It was a nice patio out off to the side of the cafeteria. There were stone picnic tables with some sort of moss growing on them. An old stone water fountain had quit working ages ago. Varieties of flowers were found in the flowerbeds.

There were small garden ornaments as well. Little sparrows were frozen in time and had seen many seasons here. I chuckled to myself.

“What’s so funny,” Zack asked. I turned around to where he was. I didn’t notice him come outside to smoke.

“I just think its funny they turned this area into a smokers section.”

“And…?” He lit up a cigarette of his own.

“It’s beautiful out here, and they send people out here to smoke. Whatever, don’t listen to me.”
We had been here several hours now. I don’t know if that was the reason why I was rambling or because I had actually lost it by now.

“You ok?” Zack asked. He took a seat next to me on the bench.

“Yeah, I’m just, I don’t know. Can I have one?” I pointed to his cigarette. I wasn’t a smoker, but it sounded like a good idea right about now.

Zack pulled his pack out and handed one to me. I lit my cigarette up and took a long drag. It was odd for me to smoke. I used to be one years ago but had decided to quit for health reasons.

I looked around me. Everything looked so serene here. There were other people on the other side of the area, but even they seemed calm.

“We did the right thing, Mae.” I looked at Zack

“I know we did, but I can’t help feeling guilty. I can’t even look at his parents.”

“They’re not mad, just worried.”

I finished inhaling the last of the smoke, “What now?”

“What do you mean?”

“What do we do now?” I asked Zack.

“I guess that’s up to Brian now. We’re not touring, we’ve been on the road nonstop the past year. It’s perfect for him to recover and take some time off, write some music, get married”

I looked immediately at Zack, “What?”

He let out a long sigh, “Just throwing shit out there.” I looked away. Is it weird for a woman to ask her boyfriend for his hand in marriage? I may just be old fashioned.

“I highly doubt marriage is on his mind right now, Zack.”

Zack looked at me and smiled, “We have the camcorder,” he said.

“Who brought it?”

“Johnny. We have a lot of time left on it; we can still record random shit for Brian.”

We headed off back to the waiting room in the hospital. It mainly consisted of friends and family in the room. I’m not even sure if there other people for the rest of the patients here.

“Hey guys, Brian’s out of surgery. The doctor just came in to talk to us. Everything went perfect,” Brian Sr. said.

“Yeah?” Zack said.

“When can we see him?” I needed to see him. The last thing Brian said to me, well he actually didn’t even finish his sentence before he fainted.

“Soon. You can go in first if you want.” I looked over to Johnny.

“Do you have the camcorder on you?”

“Yeah actually, we just added some stupid crap on there.” He rummaged through his bag and took it out. He turned it on and handed it to me.

“I don’t need to see it; I’m sure its fine.” I took a seat next to Val and Matt. Matt placed his arm over my shoulders. He had a large smile on his face. We all patiently waited for someone to come back to call us.

Matt spoke up, “So,” he stopped. We all looked at him. He never spoke up again.

The ticking of the clock seemed to get louder each time it ticked. Breathing patterns shifted and steadied themselves again. Some flipped open their cell phones, only to shut them again. I looked at the clock on the wall; only a minute had passed.

We saw the door open and we held our breath in. A tall man with a white coat came in, “Haner Family?”

No one said a word, no one raised a hand.

“That’s us,” Brian Sr. said.

“Brian’s awake now. I’m assuming Dr. O’Brien came in to speak with you already?” he asked.

“Yeah, we already spoke with him.”

“Ok I’m glad. I can only one in right now, he’s still a bit groggy and isn’t aware of his surroundings so much. We also don’t want to run a risk of getting him too excited at this point.”

Everyone looked at me. I knew they wanted me to go in first, but I didn’t think I was strong enough. I tried speaking, “I can’t go in right now.” Matt’s arm around me tightened. He rubbed my shoulders and Val held my hand. The doctor looked around.

“I’ll go in first, rough him up a bit,” Brian Sr. said. We handed him the camcorder, in case he was ready to see it.

BRIAN

I woke up feeling sore. I don’t know if it had been the surgery that made me feel this way, or the fact that I feel onto the floor knocked out cold. My incisions were relatively small. The new technology the hospital has here is amazing. They didn’t need to crack open my chest, they did it all through small incisions.

I didn’t feel any different. I felt alive, and that was more than enough for me. I also felt foolish. I didn’t need to make such a big deal out of nothing. I was alive and healthy now. Nothing could stop me.

My dad walked in. He looked relieved and had color in his cheeks.

“Hey Dad,” I immediately said. My voice was small and weak, something I didn’t expect.

“Hey son,” he said. He walked over to the side of the bed and sat down next to me. “How you feeling?”

“Like a million bucks,” this was true. “I’m glad I can say that nothing is sitting on my chest now, like a big fucking load has been taken off.”

“I’m sure you do,” my dad said. He pulled out a small camcorder and turned it on.

“What’s that?” I asked. I didn’t want him filming me right now. I noticed it was the same one Mae held the night before at the concert.

“This is a camcorder. You record things with it so you can watch it later,” he said it serious.

“Yeah Dad, no shit. What are you going to do with it?” He turned it on and stood up.

“This is something the boys did for you couple days before all this. Just hit play and watch it.” My dad hit play for me, I couldn’t exactly move at this point, and held it in front of my face.

“HEY BRIAN! WE LOVE YOU AND WISH YOU LUCK!”. It was the line in front of the venue all shouting together. The camera then went to individual fans throughout the line, each leaving their own special message for me.

“Hey Syn! You’re an amazing guitar player and it would be a shame if you gave it all up. We love you and your band. We’d probably be lost without you guys!” A male fan said. The camera then zoomed in to the fan next to him. I heard Mae’s voice next,

“Why do you look up to Synyster Gates?” She asked.

“I admire him ‘cause he works really hard for his fans. You can tell he appreciates us all. I’ve been lucky enough to actually meet him a couple of times and each time he gives me awesome advice with my guitar playing. I only wish I could play like he does, with so much style and emotion.”

I tried to choke back the tears. My dad smiled at me and looked back at the screen; I could tell he was trying to not cry as well. The camera faded out and I saw Matt on the screen next. He said his wishes to the camera and flipped it around. He was going around his house asking everyone to leave something for me.

I saw Val dead center of the screen now, “Hey Brian! You still owe me some money. Don’t think that just because you’re sick you can get out of paying me back. You’re like a brother to me Brian, it hurts when I see you down like that. Just know that I’ll always be here to kick your butt and that I love you,”She smiled and waved.

I saw Matt run up to his dog, Bella, and tried to get the dog to bark. Bella barked for Matt and wagged it’s tail. Matt asked other people there to leave their comments for me. I saw some friends and even Val’s sister Michelle left encouraging comments for me.

My dad and I were now crying. The camera faded and we both now saw Jimmy messing around with the camera.

“Is it recording now?” He asked someone off screen. I heard Leana’s voice next.

“If the red button is on then yeah, Jimmy it’s already turned on.” Jimmy flipped it around and you could see his big grin on his face now.

“Hey fucker! So everyone is leaving you comments and shit. I don’t know what to say so you’re going to watch me drink a beer and smoke some cigarettes.” I saw a hand fly by his head, presumably Leana’s.

“I’m kidding. When you get out though, we’re heading off to Johnny’s to get plastered, kinda like the old days.” Leana came on the screen next.

“You can go shopping with me on Jimmy’s dime. He said he doesn’t mind what you get.” I heard Jimmy laugh in the background.

“No, she’s lying, but you can go with her anyways. You’ll have a shit load of fun.”

My dad and I both laughed. The camera faded and we saw some more fans from the other night leave wishes. I really appreciated everything they had said. I was crying like a baby by now, so you know it meant something to me.

I saw Mae and Zack next. My heart started to race and my breathing sped up. I gripped the sheets and threw my head back. I needed to calm myself down before I hurt myself. My dad noticed,

“Brian?”

Nothing happened. My heart rate was a bit higher than normal but I didn’t feel any pressure. I placed my hand over my heart and felt it beating steadily. I was fine.

“So you’re probably wondering what the fuck all this shit is. Matt was actually the one that came up with it, but Mae and I pulled it through.”Mae was smiling from ear to ear. I saw my dad come up into the picture now.

“We’re pretty sure we got everyone you care about,”my dad said. Mae finished his sentence.

“And everyone that cares about you.”She wrapped her hand around my dad so that she was in between the two. I wasn’t sure who was recording them now.

“You have no excuse to not go through with what you said the last time we hung out bro,”Zack said. Both Mae and my dad looked at him; they hadn’t a clue what he was talking about. I started to laugh a bit. I looked over to my dad and he shrugged.

“We can go on our trip like we said earlier, but no Zack and Jimmy!”

“It’s cool, we’ll find you somehow,” Zack said.

Zack left his wishes for me next. I actually saw him cry for once; at least it looked like he was crying. I don’t know if I actually saw tears, but he choked up a bit.

“You’re like a brother to me, bro. I admire you so much more than what I let on. Like your dad has said before, you’re his guitar hero, but you’re also mine. I don’t know where I’d be without you. These past couple of years have been amazing. I thank God everyday for letting you into our lives and the band,”he paused to regain his composure. I didn’t move the entire time I saw him on screen.

“When you first got really sick, I tried to be so strong for everyone, and I was. But it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I sat outside the hospital that day and just prayed to anyone and everyone hoping you’d pull through, and you did. Somehow I pulled through as well, because I’m here telling you I was crying like a baby. By the way, this doesn’t leave this room.” He looked around and pointed his finger to everyone. I laughed and wiped a tear. My dad had long ago stopped cleaning his tears. They dripped off onto the bed sheets. He turned off the camera next.

“Do you want to see the rest of it with Mae and Zack in here?” my dad asked.

I nodded my head. He got up and gave me a kiss on my forehead. He left me alone in that room waiting for my two best friends.

I don’t think I’d be here if it weren’t for them.