Forever Fades Away

I looked over all the shopping bags that had been placed all over the kitchen. Some bags had bags full of chips; others contained the dips for these chips. Zack read over some papers he had in his hand.

“It’s pretty easy to make Brian.” He placed the paper back onto the counter and kept unpacking the groceries.

I walked over to it and picked it up to read, “A roast? You’ve got to be kidding me,” I looked at Brian. He was placing ice into the chests.

“Sounds good huh? You marinate it in some Jack for a couple of hours. It’ll be ready for dinner tonight.”

“As long as you’re making it.” I placed the loose-leaf paper containing the recipe back where Zack had originally placed it.

“Fuck!” Brian yelled aloud. “I knew we’d forget something. We didn’t pick up lettuce or tomatoes for the burgers.”

“Burgers again?” I asked them.

“Duh. Who doesn’t like burgers?” Zack replied.

“I can go pick them up for you. I have to get some personal items for myself anyways.”

Brian starting to feel around for his wallet, “Thanks baby, I don’t have cash on me so use the debit.” He handed me his card after he found it.

“I won’t take long, I promise.” I turned around and walked out the kitchen.

“No worries, we’ll be here,” Zack yelled.

I grabbed the keys off the table near the entrance and walked out to my car. The sun immediately shone upon me and I squinted. I walked over to my car as I searched my purse for my sunglasses.

“Okay so lettuce, tomatoes, and some tampons. Don’t forget,” I said to myself. I ran out of them the last time and hadn’t picked any up. My period was coming up soon. I didn’t want to be unprepared.

I pulled out of the house and started driving off towards the store. I let the windows down all around me and I let the warm California breeze whirl around me. It was a great day to be outside. It wasn’t too hot nor was it cool; it was perfect.

Moments later, I pulled up to the store. Once inside, I immediately ran over to the produce. I picked up a nice head of lettuce and a few tomatoes.

“Should have gone to the farmers market, probably better there,” I said to myself. An old couple walked by me. I saw the older woman look at the produce as her husband pushed the cart. I smiled lightly towards them and walked away pushing my own cart. I wouldn’t mind seeing Brian and I as old as them one day.

I pushed my produce to the beauty aisle. I looked for my tampons and threw them into the cart. Then it suddenly hit me. When was the last time I had my period? I couldn’t remember. I frantically started rummaging through my purse and looked for my cursed contraceptive pills. I opened my pack and noticed I had skipped a few from last month. I was on track though, almost two months prior.

I broke out in a sweat in the middle of the store. There was no way in hell I could have been that stupid to forget it completely. I had to grab on to the cart to prevent myself from falling over.

How stupid could I have been? What happened? Then I realized it. I stopped taking them because I was so focused on Brian and his recovery that I completely put myself last.

What was I going to do? My heart beat a thousand times and my breathing increased as well. I raced back to the beauty aisle and searched for the pregnancy tests. I threw one into the cart and went to check out.

I was nervous the entire time back. I didn’t notice my speed and got home faster than I expected. I pulled up and placed the car into park. I shut off the engine and looked into the mirror. I was pale and was still sweating.

“Shit, I can’t go in like this.” Deep inside my heart, I knew I was already pregnant and it scared the hell out of me. I took a few deep breaths in and stepped out the car. I grabbed the bags, minus the test, and went inside to deliver the goods. I had hidden the test inside my purse at the store.

“Boys, I’m back,” I yelled out inside the house.

“We’re still in the kitchen.” I heard Brian yell back to me. I placed the purse on the floor before going into the kitchen.

“Still slaving away on the stove, love?” Brian was wrapping some potatoes in some foil. Zack was brushing barbeque sauce on some chicken.

“Whoa, you guys are going all out huh?”

“We decided to just pig out instead. Zack here can’t handle another night of drinking,” Brian said.
“What the fuck ever, you were the one complaining about your hangover earlier.”

“Shit, we just don’t want to hear you play that stupid Misfit song again.”

“Oh stop picking on Zack. He can listen to it as much as he wants.” I looked at Zack. Poor guy was still hurting over Gena.

“Fine, I’ll just listen to some other Misfit songs.” He went back to brushing sauce on the chicken.

“Oh we were just messing with you. Don’t cry on me.”

I let them bicker and slowly walked out of the kitchen. I was anxious and needed to take that test. I ran back to my purse and picked it up. I turned around and dashed up to the stairs.

“Whoa! Why are you in such a rush?” Shit, I was caught.

“I need the bathroom really bad and I was going to go lie down for a bit. I’m not feeling too well.”

“Did your bath earlier not make you feel better?” Brian asked. He pulled me closer to him. I smelled his cologne and stale cigarettes on him. Great, he was smoking again.

“Not really. I was hoping it would though.” I wrapped my arms around his neck. His touch was paralyzing. I didn’t want to move, but I knew I had to.

“Brian, I have to tell you something.”

“Yeah? Like how much you love me?” He laughed and placed a kiss on my lips.

“Yes, but you already know how much I love you. Listen I think, well I don’t think I pretty much know deep inside me but you never know. There’s a slight possibility, okay either I am or I not. There’s no in between, you can’t sorta be and sorta not, ya know? I just don’t know how it happened, okay that’s stupid. We both know how it happened.”

“I’d expect all this pointless blabbering from Zack, not you Mae. You haven’t been drinking have you?” Brian interrupted me. He was right I was just talking to avoid me announcing it.

“What? No of course I haven’t been drinking! Are you stupid, that’s not good!” I cupped my mouth with both my hands. I started yelling at Brian without realizing it. I needed to stop talking now or else I’d spill the beans before actually knowing.

Should I tell him?
“I’m just going to go use the bathroom real quick, I’ll be back.”

“Ah, beer squirts?”

“What?” I pushed Brian away from me and looked at him.

“Never mind, I’ll save that story for another time.”

“Eww Brian.” I pushed past him and dashed towards the bathroom.

I walked into my bathroom and locked the door behind me. I set my purse down onto the counter in front of me. I was shaking so much I couldn’t unsnap my buckle on the stupid purse.

I felt extremely hot then. I was sure my pits were moist from all the sweat. I got frustrated and threw the purse up against the mirror.

“Fuck!” I placed both my hands on the cool counter top and took deep, even breaths. I reached for the purse again and successfully unclasped it. First hurdle done, now onto the next.

I unwrapped the box out of the plastic shopping bag. The purple box looked back at me, almost as though it was taunting me.

Now up to five days sooner!

Ugh, why would anyone want to know sooner? Oh that’s right, someone that actually plans their children. I felt horrible.

Then it hit me; why no morning sickness? Why no notice in weight? Would I have even noticed anything in my body?

“Fuck me hard.”

A bunch of stupid questions ransacked my brain. I grabbed a hold of the box and opened it up. I saw the little package containing the test and a big folded up paper containing the directions.

I pulled out the small package and ripped it open. I saw my handy little tool I would be peeing on.

“Maybe I should wait until after our vacation. I know Brian will want to cancel it if I am. Maybe I can even tell him there.”

I put the test back into the box. I had made my decision. I would wait to find out until this coming weekend. I would just avoid any alcohol and be careful about it. Nothing would happen if I was pregnant, right?

I wrapped the box back into the shopping bag and went out into the bedroom. I walked over to my dresser and opened the smallest drawer, my sock drawer. I placed the box in the back, behind all my socks, and placed more socks on top of it.

“I just hope Zack doesn’t end up going for sure.” I pushed the drawer back into it’s original place and went back down stars.

I would just have to act as though nothing was going on.