Forever Fades Away

CHILDISH THOUGHTS
The flight home was relatively fast, almost too fast. It was as though we weren’t aloud to enjoy the last few moments of tranquility before we hit home. The flight home was plagued from the start.

Brian had taken ill the entire trip home. Zack and I just assumed he had some of the water and didn’t mix well with his body. Brian made no more mention of the sickness that followed, but you could clearly tell.

We arrived home, Huntington Beach, and immediately laid down. Zack had decided to go up to the guestroom to sleep off his hangover.

Brian just seemed out of it the rest of the day. He blamed jet lag, but there was only one hour of time difference we had experience. It was starting to worry me.

“Love, what’s wrong? How do you feel?”

His face looked flushed, and an unexplained sweat had appeared on his head. He tried to speak but couldn’t.

He couldn’t breathe.

“Brian!” He was sitting on the couch in our living room, but he had hunched over to the side. I immediately grabbed my phone and dialed 911.

“911 what’s your emergency?”

“My fiancé can’t breathe right. He’s having shortness of breath. You can tell he’s in pain!” I looked over to Brian. His face was red, his jaw was clenched, and he looked scared.

I had no idea how I was able to talk on the phone. My body and mind just knew what to do somehow.

“I need to go to the hospital, something’s not right.” Brian said below a whisper. I wasn’t paying attention to the operator.

”Ma’am, ma’am? Has he taken anything, drugs, alchohol?”

“What? No, no. He had a new valve put in a couple weeks back. Look I need an ambulance now or I’m hanging up and taking him myself!”

”Okay, calm down, the paramedics are on their way. Tell me about this valve and how is he doing?”

I threw the phone down and rushed to Brian, “Love, how are you feeling?” I kneeled down to him. He was sweating profusely now.

“Fine, I’m just really tired. My chest is starting to hurt now.” he wasn’t speaking above a whisper.

I saw tears rolling down his face now. Tears rolled down my own as well.

“ZACK! ZACK I NEED HELP!” I heard the paramedics at the door. They rushed in and pushed me out of the way.

Brian sat up and coughed up some sort of pink fluffy mucous.

I froze.

“What the FUCK!” Zack came rushing down the stairs towards Brian. He immediately grabbed the phone and started dialing, no doubt Brian’s parents.

I still stood in my same spot staring at what enfolded in front of my eyes. I couldn’t believe we were going through this again.

The paramedics strapped Brian onto the gurney and rushed him away. I tried to follow them but I found myself not moving. My world was crashing down before me, and I was doing nothing about it.

“Mae! Go with them, I’ll follow you in the car. I’ve already called his parents and they’re on the way also. I’ll call everyone else once we get there. Go!” Zack yelled at me.

I needed a push and Zack was the one that gave it to me. I ran to the ambulance and hopped in.

It was different this time. Last time I didn’t have to see the paramedics and EMTs work on Brian in front of me. There were tubes all over. He had a mask on over his mouth, giving him the oxygen he needed. There were leads placed on his chest, arms and legs, recording his heard activity.

“He’s going into heart failure. I need that AED, junior!” a paramedic yelled to his mate.

It took me a moment to register the word heart failure. Did that mean Brian was dying? They took paddles out and shocked him. They only did it once and put it away.

The paramedic asked me a couple of questions, but I didn’t know if I had answered them.

“Ma’am, please I need to know. Is he allergic to anything?”

I looked at Brian. His eyes showed pain. They showed uncertainty. He reached his hand out towards mine. I grabbed his hand, wincing as I felt how cold it was. He was going into heart failure. His heart couldn’t pump enough blood throughout his body, giving him the oxygen he needed. His circulation was slowing down, causing his body temperature to lower as well. Or so I thought in my head.

“No.” I simply stated. He squeezed my hand as we felt the ambulance shut off it’s engine. The back doors immediately opened and Brian was pulled out. He had to let go of my hand then and there.

I sat in the ambulance by myself soon after. I didn’t budge. I wouldn’t budge. I knew if I hoped off it and went into the hospital, I would lose Brian. I didn’t want to lose him, not like this, not this soon.

“Excuse me, Ma’am? Could you please follow me. They’re waiting for you inside,” the gentle paramedic said to me.

“Huh? Who’s waiting for me?”

“You’re fiance.”

I walked into the hospital and I saw Brian, still on the gurney, waiting in the hallway. There were doctors and nurses waiting for him all around.

I walked up to him and held his hand. He removed the oxygen mask and spoke to me, “I’ll be out soon, promise I won’t go anywhere.”

With that, they rushed him away from me.

I didn’t have his hand in my own anymore. I only had his ring on my left ring finger. That’s all I had of his.

“We’ll let you know how he’s doing as soon as possible dear.” I looked over to my side and noticed the nurse speak to me. It was Delia, the same nurse that had spoken to me the first time Brian was here.

“I know how much Brian means to you so I’ll try my hardest to take care of him. Now no use in standing in these halls. I’ll get a private conference room for and the rest of the family to wait it, okay?”

I nodded as she led me to the same room I sat in previously, not too long ago.

“Is the rest of the family in the ER waiting room?” She kindly asked me.

I nodded.

“Okay, honey, I’ll be back.” I nodded once again. I had become a mute and didn’t want to speak.

I questioned every imaginable scenario that had played in my head as I sat in that room. Some scenarios were selfish and childish, others were too extreme. Was this a form of punishment Brian had received as a sentence? Was it fate that held us so close to each other, yet so far away?

Maybe this was my own sentence. I haven’t been the perfect girlfriend Brian had hoped for; our relationship started off rocky.

I had never truly learned how to show emotion towards anyone. I had grown up in a cold home, with no sort of emotion ever shown. The only emotion I had aced was anger, and I had a lot of it.

When I had finally moved out of the cold, ice environment, I met Brian. Our relationship started off hot and steamy. I clearly knew what he wanted, or so I thought, and I gladly gave it to him. Once I found out his true intentions, I laughed at him. I had laughed at his face, and as we all know you must never laugh at a man in front of his face.

He wanted love and reassurance, as did I. Brian was able to give, but unfortunately I never knew how to give in return, which truly infuriated him. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, I just didn’t know how.

Brian showed me how to love. Maybe I started too late, and this was the price I had to pay. Maybe this was his way to get back at me.

Like I said earlier, childish thoughts.

I saw the door open and Delia peeked in. I looked back at her phlegmatically, “This way, please.”

She fully opened the door and I saw Brian’s family and friends, the same family that I had now called my own for the past three years.

Brian’s mother came in, with red rimmed eyes, and took a seat. Behind her came Brian Sr. with Suzy and his Brian’s younger sister. His brothers came in next, followed by the whole Avenged clan in tow with wives and girlfriends.

There was barely enough room available for all of us. Some had taken seats on the floor.

Zack pulled a seat next to me and placed his arm around me, he pulled me close to him. I could still smell the intoxicating smell of cigarettes on his clothes.

“Everything will be fine,” was all he said. His voice held no assertion for once. He was attempting to make me feel better, but had only failed. I didn’t blame him.

“I don’t think he will this time,” I replied. My voice was firm, yet low enough for him to hear only. He pulled away from me and stared at me hard.

His soft, green eyes always showed warmth and friendliness. This time, I saw neither. For the first time in my life, I saw a fire so deep and red in his eyes that I was taken back. This wasn’t the Zack I knew.

He pulled his arm away from me, “Unbelievable Mae, you of all fucking people!” He pushed the chair away and stormed out of the conference room.

Everyone else just stared at me. As I met their gazes, they shifted their own to focus on some distant object, anything to get away from my gaze.

I started to cry now, and soon a whole chorus joined me. It was music to my ears.