Forever Fades Away

BRIAN

I felt weak and didn’t care. Something was wrong with my heart, but I didn’t care anymore. I’ve accomplished so much in my life, I wouldn’t see a problem with going now. My family is taken care of. My dad is successful and happy with his family. My mom is happy with hers. The boys each have someone to spend the rest of their lives with.

Mae will be the only one without someone, but she’s strong and will move on; she has to. She has to find a man that will be there for her. She has to find a man that actually sticks to his promises, unlike me.

I’ve failed and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I watch the IV drip travel down the tubes and go into my arm. The medicine is suppose to make me better. I think it’s only there to give false hope.

“MAE!” I cry out her name, hoping she’ll come to me. I see the doors fly open and I hope it’s her. It isn’t, its just the nurse. She says something to me, but I pay no attention to her. I need to see Mae.

“MAE!” I yell again. Maybe this time she can hear me. The nurse calls for someone, maybe Mae. A doctor and more nurses come in. I see a syringe in the doctors hand; he’s come here to silence me.

“NO, I NEED TO TALK TO MAE GODDAMIT!” In goes the syringe into the IV.

“WHY ISN’T SHE HERE?!” I feel the medicine hit my bloodstream, and my arm starts to feel cool.

“Why isn’t anyone here? What’s wrong?” I cry out to them. I feel my breathing relax, but the stress on my heart doesn’t ease.

“Why?” I cry myself to sleep, deep dark, beautiful sleep.

MAE

“Haner family?” a doctor speaks to us inside. I recognized him from the first time we were here. Him and an older doctor walk in completely. Val and Matt rise up from the chairs, and signal them to sit down. I feel Brian Sr. tighten his grip on my hand.

“I’m Doctor O’Brien. This is Doctor Guillen, he is the attending surgeon today.” the older doctor nodded to us. “I’m sure you guys are anxious to know what is wrong with Brian today. I’ll just be straight up with you, we’re not sure yet, although we do suspect Endocarditis.”

Suzy sighed and started to cry again. I held my breath in, hoping it would stop me from yelling at the top of my lungs.

“You see, we suspect Brian has a bacterial infection right now, which would explain the symptoms you reported Mae.” everyone glanced at me. I had never said anything to them since they had arrived. All they knew was that Brian was once again in the ER.

“Also, Brian was experiencing heart failure when he arrived.”

“What? Like a heart attack?” asked Brent, Brian’s brother.

“No, not exactly.” Doctor Guillen finally spoke up. “When a person is experiencing heart failure, their heart is still working, just not up to capacity. The lower chambers, which are the ventricles, are weak and don’t pump properly. The blood flow decreases and the heart tries to pump harder, to make up for the loss. This can overwork the heart. By the time Brian came in, it was just about to give out.”

No one moved.

“We were given permission by Brian himself to let you know, otherwise we wouldn’t be having this discussion.” Dr. O’Brien cut in.

Dr. Guillen continued, “We were able to stabilize him. He had a fever, which is a symptom of Endocarditis, and we placed an IV with antibiotics.”

“If this is Endocarditis, it’s nothing life-threatening, but of course no case is ever alike.” Doctor O’Brien spoke up.

“What exactly is that?” Brian Sr. asked.

“There are two different types of Endocarditis, Mr. Haner. The infection we believe Brian has is a nosocomial. Brian had an artificial valve put in, which increased his chances for the infection. He was aware of the risk.”

“I’m still confused, what is it? What is it affecting?” I asked.

“His heart valves have an infection, more presumably his artificial heart valve or the lining around the heart valve. He may have picked up the infection while he was first ‘fitted’ for his valve.” doctor Guillen quoted with his fingers. He continued speaking, “The infection started off slow, which is why Brian never noticed at first, and it continued to grow. We believe Brian is lucky to not have the infection spread into his blood, septicemia, which is deadly.”

“When can we see him?” Brian’s mother spoke. She was angry.

“Currently, Brian is sedated. He started to have a panic attack, so in order to protect him from hurting himself, we sedated him. We plan on performing surgery as soon as he is conscious again.”

More surgeries?

“Can he even handle that right now?” Zack asked.

“We’re not sure at the moment. We are still currently running tests on his blood. We need to see how bad his valve has been damaged. If no damage has been made, no need for replacement will be needed.”

I suddenly remembered Brian kept forgetting to take his medication. A weird feeling starting to grow stronger in my stomach.

“The antibiotics he was prescribed, he kept forgetting to take them. Could that have contributed to the infection?” I asked.

“It’s possible, but like Dr. Guillen said earlier, he may have picked up the infection while here the first time. We don’t really know who is at fault, so to speak.” Dr. O’Brien said.

“Not only that, she had him frolicking in and out of the country.” Brian’s biological mother said. She gave me a small sneer my way.

“Mae is not to blame,” Zack said, “At least not yet.” he murmured the last part to himself.

“What the hell is that suppose to mean, Baker?” I angrily shot back at him. He had been avoiding me for a while now.

“You’re right, this is no one’s fault, and certainly not Mae’s. We will have more to report to you and the day progresses. All we can do now is let the sedative wear out. We have blood tests running right now. We will confirm our findings as soon as possible.”

Both doctors picked up their folders and started to leave.

“So when may we see Brian?” Brian Sr. asked.

“Mr. Haner, he is sleeping right now, and most of all stable, no need to worry. I only want to see two at a time, and for a very short amount of time.” Dr. Guillen said and walked out.

“Forgive Dr. Guillen, Mr. Haner.” Dr. O’Brien had stayed behind. “He believes the family’s presence may trigger another panic attack on Brian if he is aware you are there with him. I do suggest no more than two at a time.” He walked out and closed the door.

Everyone immediately looked at me, “I can’t go in, at least not yet. I’ll break down and he’ll hear me. He can’t handle that right now.” I pushed my chair back, got up and left the room.

I walked down the hall and went into the main hospital. I was looking for the same garden I had visited a while back.

“Mae, hold on wait for me.” I looked around and saw Zack following me. I also noticed Matt and Brian Sr. step out of the room and walk towards the room Brian was in.

“I’m not in the mood to argue, Zack.” I didn’t wait for him and kept on walking. Zack didn’t get the hint and stayed close on my heels. We opened a few doors and we finally found ourselves in the small garden, alone.

“What’s wrong?” Zack asked. I took a seat on the concrete benches. Zack pulled out his cigarettes and lit one. I ignored him. “Look, I understand this is scary but this isn’t you okay? You’re always the one full of hope and it just fucking scares me that you don’t have any right now.”

“What the fuck is that suppose to mean? I mean, come the fuck on!” He inhaled the gray, foggy smoke, and let it out moments later.

“You know what I’m talking about. What you said earlier isn’t you, that’s not the Mae we all know.”

“It’s stupid, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s stupid! Do you not listen to when people speak?” I was frustrated. I didn’t want him to know what I had been thinking earlier. A tear fell down. I wiped it away and flinched. My eye was still black and sore from the previous weekend.

“You need to quit acting like a fucking five year old.” Zack flicked his cigarette out and walked started to walk back inside.

“What if, Zack?” I caught his attention; he had stopped dead in his tracks. “What if Brian never recovers. What if his heart just dies out and he needs a transplant? Brian will spiral into this deep depression that I don’t think he’d ever get out of. He wants to live his life as normal as possible, and with this in the way, I don’t think he can.”

Zack turned around, “And what if he doesn’t need that? Did you ever think of that? We don’t know anything yet, Mae. Just have a little hope. Hell this might not even be as serious as we’re making it seem. Go in there and just speak with him. Let him know you’re there.” He turned around and opened the door for me.

We walked back to the room where everyone else was sitting at. Brian Sr. and Matt were back. Brent and Johnny were visiting now.

“There you two are, Brian was wondering where you two had ran off to.” Brain Sr. said.

“He’s awake?”

“He’s getting there. Everyone else that wanted to see him already has. Mae, you should probably get in there as soon as possible. The doctor is going to speak with him soon and I’m sure he would want you in there with him.

“Right,” I sheepishly said. I got up and made my way out to his room.