Forever Fades Away

The next few days were a blur for me. I spent the majority of my time laying in our bed, or rather my bed now.

I didn’t bother to clean up what Brian had left behind either. His basketball shorts were still laying in the bathroom. His dirty cups were still in the living room as well.

Val and Lacey had pretty much stayed with me the entire time since the hospital. I didn’t want them there to be honest, but Zack insisted.

Zack never went home either and I wanted to kill him.

The funeral came and went. That was the only time I actually showered and made myself presentable.

It was beautiful, I’ll have to admit. Brian would be very proud of his friends and family. There were black candles with a white satin bow all around adorning the little chapel where the service was held.

The rest of the service was just too difficult. Almost everyone gave a eulogy and each one made everyone cry harder than it was thought possible.

Pictures and videos were played as well. Somehow, the little montage the boys thought of made it onto the memorial clips.

At times when Brian was onscreen, I had to look away. I still couldn’t believe he was gone.

It was just too difficult for me. At the hospital I kept thinking Brian would wake up. It was so bad that they had to drag me out screaming at the top of my lungs. I knew my screaming would wake him up.

But he didn’t. Brian laid there peacefully. He didn’t move, didn’t speak, didn’t live.

I didn’t want to believe he was gone, so I didn’t. I saw the casket go into the ground, but I knew Brian was still around.

The family buried him in the family plot. It went as smooth as possible. People cried and cried. I don’t remember what was said from that point on.

I didn’t care anymore.

I had been living in my own world since leaving the hospital. I don’t know how many times people would try to speak to me but I just ignored them. It didn’t matter what they said, Brian wasn’t next to me.

I walked around the cemetery, hoping Brian would pull up and say ‘Surprise!’. I looked around searching for him every chance I had.

Everyone decided to gather at out house after the funeral. I don’t know why they came and sat around, but they did. I had gone upstairs to lay down, and wait for Brian.

I didn’t even bother changing out of the clothing Val and Lacey had dressed me in earlier.

I flipped nonchalantly through channel after channel; nothing caught my eye. If I saw a puppy get killed in front of me, it didn’t bother me. My tears had pretty much ran out by that point.

A knock was heard and the door opened, “If your checking up on me, you’re wasting your time,” I said to whoever was there. I didn’t bother to look at who it was.

“Are you hungry?” I heard Zack’s voice.

“Get the fuck out, now,” I said. For whatever reason, I really didn’t want to see him right now. I didn’t want to see anyone, but that would be me lying. I wanted to see Brian.

Zack walked over to the bed and sat down. He sat down directly in front of the television.

“Move,”

“In other news, several media outlets have reported the death of 27-year-old Brian Haner Jr., also known as Synyster Gates, of the very successful rock band, Avenged Sevenfold. We reported last month the guitarist had undergone a successful heart-valve surgery after collapsing backstage at a show. No official comments have been released by the family,”

Zack reached for the control and tried to change it, I didn’t let him. Zack sighed but still he didn’t move.

“I’m trying to watch t.v. so move,”

“Look, I’m no one to tell you what you should and shouldn’t do Mae, but this is the worst time for you to shut people out. We know you’re upset, we are too, but this anti-social behavior won’t get you anywhere,” Zack whispered.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” just shut him up and he’ll be soon on his way out the door.

“He wouldn’t want you to be doing this to yourself Mae,” he kept pushing the subject.

“How would you know what he wants?” I rolled on to my other side. He wouldn’t budge, so I had decided to just ignore him.

“Look at me,” Zack’s voice started to rise.

“Get out,” I mumbled. I was going to take a nap. I pulled up the blankets and covered myself.

Zack stood up and took another deep sigh. He stared out our French doors that led out to our deck.

I suddenly felt the blankets get pulled off of me

“What is wrong with you? Do you not understand what ‘get out’ means? Do you not get the hint when YOU ARE NOT WANTED?”

“What the hell is this bullshit? What the fuck is wrong with you?” Zack was yelling full blast now.

“Oh gee I don’t know Zack, my puppy died! How the hell am I suppose to act? My fucking fiancé died! He just gave out two fucking days ago! Should I be happy already and act as though nothing is wrong? Have you not heard about the stages of grief? Were you not listening to the fucking counselor?” I stood up on the bed and started yelling.

He was not going to intimidate me. I wanted to look down at him. I had no reason for it, I just didn’t want to crumble.

“I know what you’re going to do Mae, we all do,” Zack’s voice was menacing.

“What? You think I’m going to go off myself? Is that what you guys think I’ll do? Thanks for the fucking trust, I really do appreciate it!”

“Don’t give me that bullshit stages shit either. I know you’re only using it to hide your shit. You always fucking do it Mae. Whenever you need help, you go and hide everything. You fucking did it when you thought you were pregnant and you’re doing it now!”

“How the hell do you know about that?” I screamed at him.

Zack got onto the bed with me and yelled back, “Brian is my best friend! Do you honestly think he wouldn’t go and tell me this shit?”

People had started to form in the hallway. I could see Val starting to cry already.

“Of course you know Zack, you’re always in our goddamn business!” spit was flying out of our mouths.

“Fuck you, you fucking cold-ass bitch!”

My eyes widened and my hands curled into fists, “I don’t give a FLYING FUCK what you think of me!”

“I know you don’t! I also know you wouldn’t care if I told you I loved you!” Zack screamed. I held my breath in.

“What?” tears now started to form in my puffy eyes. I was glad I wasn’t wearing any makeup now.

“You think we don’t care about you Mae, but you’re wrong. We all love you like a little sister. You’re amazing, you really are. You have no idea how much it hurts to see you like this! We understand you’re hurting, but fuck. Don’t push us away. Don’t push your family away, because without us, you have nothing,”

I took a huge gasp for air. I had been holding it in the entire time and it was starting to hurt.

Then it hit me. I was alone. Zack was right, I had no one else but them.

Brian was gone.

“Brian said,” I sobbed. I fell onto the bed. Val tried to run to me but Matt held her back.

Zack was still standing on the bed. He stepped off and walked over to me. I felt him come close, but then walked away. He didn’t want to be near me.

“Brian told me right after his first visit to the hospital that if something ever happened to him, he wanted me to look over you, take care of you. I promised him I would Mae, and I intend to keep that promise,” his voice was shaky. I didn’t dare look at him.

“I don’t care if you hate me. I don’t care if you think I’m nosy or a drama queen. I’ll always be there for you. You were there for me when I needed my friends the most, let me do this for you. Don’t push us away. Let me keep my promise to Brian,” I looked up to him. He was staring out the window, trying to control the tears that desperately wanted to escape.

At that moment, I wanted nothing to do with this. If I had access to drugs, a vehicle, blade, knife, gun, you name it, I would kill myself. I didn’t want to see people in pain anymore.

I didn’t want to see the people I cared about the most worry anymore. They were all right, I was a threat to myself.

“I don’t know what to do Zack,” I said quietly, “Really what are all of us going to do?”

Val came in and sat next to me. She pulled me towards her and rubbed my back.

“We don’t know, but we’ll figure that out when we get there. Let’s just take this day by day. Things will be clearer soon, I promise,” Val said. She kissed my forehead and stood up, “Finish talking to Zack, please for all of us. We’ll be downstairs. We promise we won’t go anywhere,” Val got up and walked out the bedroom. I saw everyone else standing there give me a small smile.

Matt closed the door after Val left.

Maybe I did have a lot of talking I needed to do.