So give me all your poison

Blood, red and thick, flows heavily through my clenched hands even though I’m trying my hardest to hold it, to grasp it. The tighter I clench my hand the more freely it oozes, mixing with my salty tears and splashing all over the perfect white tiles. The contrast between the colours is beautiful and I think this is why Santa Claus is red and white. Like my blood and the tiles. The most beautiful death in the world must be to be eaten alive by wolfs in the snow or something. I swear to god something is wrong with me… I’m always thinking crazy stuff like that… but I already know something is wrong with me or I wouldn’t be here… daddy says so. I silently pray to myself unconsciously though clenched teeth as I think about the my corpse in the woods. “Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee”. Stop. I suddenly remember I don’t believe in god anymore. I start to sob harder as I realize that the pain is not going away and I’m completely alone. “God has left this place” I whisper to myself in between sobs and wait for Jem to come and pick me up as he said he would. Maybe he didn't and i dreamt it. Nothing is happening and I feel my arm is being torn apart by some sort of monster that lives underneath by bed. Then I hear the angry, strong steps coming up the stairs. Franticly and shaking I reach with my right hand for the knife and stab violently my bleeding left wrist as I scold myself “You are rotten, your blood is rotten and that’s why Jem died. You killed him” .