So give me all your poison

I’m gonna fucking starve to death if I don’t get some cash soon. Better yet get a hit soon…The drugs pumping my system would keep me from feeling the hunger and New York’s harsh winter which reminds me too much of my childhood. I haven’t slept in a week now, which makes me cranky as hell. Sam notices and tries to get me some benzodiazepines to help me relax or something but were so fucking broke and he buys some subbies and a couple of lines instead.I wish he would buy some food instead of the freaking subbies. He hasn’t painted anything in a while now and I haven’t got any film so I guess I’d better sell the rolleiflex to get some Xanax or some Lexomil so I wouldn’t be dragging my sorry half dead, half starved ass around all of New York at 4 in the morning and get some sleep. Fuck… If we don’t get some cash soon I’m going to have to go sell my blood again. Sam can’t sell his because the fuckers won’t take it. I keep trudging though the snow, thinking about cinnamon rolls and hot soup. On the staircase to our apartment, I run into Geoff. He seems very happy and pleased and says he has great news but most importantly he has brought us some food and brought me some yellow jackets or Temazepan for my sleeping problem and some very cherished film. i swear to god somethimes he’s like a fucking father, looking out for me. Still shivering but smilling from ear to ear I open the door to let us in. Inside Sam is singing loudly from the kitchen while cooking something. He “found” some coffee and he’s cleaning the ancient italian coffeemaker in order to prepare it. Geoff and I can see he’s really high again. I’m starting to get I bit worried about him, in fact I’ve been worried for quite a while now which is the real reason I can’t sleep. Latelly Sam is doing hardcore drugs all the time and he’s almost never home and when he is, he is high. Geoff whispers to me about Sam missing many rehersals as he lights up a joint and I look at him puzzled taking a drag. He wasn’t home last week. He was supposed to be in Jersey rehersing with Geoff. I know Sam is sleeping around, I’m not stupid. He hasn’t touched me in weeks and I can smell the cheap perfume in his clothes, see scratches on his back and the bites on his neck. Latelly he has taken into crying and kissing my face when high while sobbing and whispering “sorry’s” and “I love you’s”. His voice is so desperate and hopeless it breaks my heart. It’s like he’s saying goodbye. Everything’s been very brotherly since. I don’t mind. The drugs take away my sex drive, what I’m really worried about is him and the fact he is tearing my ventricles apart as he drowns in chemicals. I’m terrified he’ll leave. I have become like a mother, obssessed with him and his state of being. I beg him to see a doctor and to stop with the Barbiturates and the Buprenorphine. I know I can’t make him stop but I still try.

I load Tina with the film and think carefully of what I want to spend my film on. Sam and Geoff named my camera Tina after Tina Modotti because I was obsessed with her when we started going out. Now I’m here in New York to supposedly to become a “professional photographer” or some corny shit like that. Sam is supposed to be studying Art in NYU but he quit because they were a bunch of phonies and you can’t learn anything worth knowing though their “fucking institutionalized ways”. I keep thinking there is no such thing and about why I choose to do my last year in highschool on biological and chemical sciences instead of arts. At least I know what half the shit I take is doing to me. I ask Geoff about the big news as I take another long drag. He signals he is waiting for Sam as he lets the smoke escape slowly form his open mouth. Click. There goes one shot. I feel calm and relaxed as the THC enters my blood stream.
Sam comes in grinning his perpetual Cheshire cat smile holding 3 chipped cups, his blue eyes wide as lemurs with excitement. I take a big sip and drown 2 yellow jackets. The coffee tastes like dirt. It probably is. I swallow anyways because I don’t want to offend him and I need something to swallow the capsules. From the corner of my eye I can see Geoff struggling to swallow his coffee too.
“So… we play our first official show on new year’s eve. On my basement….” Geoff says grinning.
“ That’s fantastic!!” I say as I kiss Sam softly and hug Geoff. Sam immediately stands and begins to ramble excitedly while pacing around the tiny room, looking around for his bass. Suddenly I feel very drowsy so I rest my head on Geoff’s lap, embracing the feeling, hoping I will finally be able to sleep.As I doze off I can hear Sam screaming “Kiddo you should take a picture NOW! Not at the bums at the park or the clouds.Take it… take it!”