No More Secrets, No More Lies

“Are you alright?” Gena asked. I nodded, tears still falling. “I’ll just tell Zack I’ll crash in with you tonight, okay?” I loved how generous and nice she was. Zacky was lucky to have her. I was lucky to have her. We arrived at their house but I didn’t want to get out, I didn’t know what I wanted. “C’mon we have to go inside.”

“Okay,” I croaked, pulling myself off the passengers seat. I cried for hours, I just needed her there for comfort. She was a real friend, not like the other bitches that only wanted to know me for my ‘uncles’. “I don’t want them to know.” I said softly, as we approached the front door.

“Know what?”

“That I’m here. I want them to feel as hurt as I am.” I whispered; Gena threw her arm around me, as we walked into the dark house. She nodded, agreeing to not say anything. Zack walked into the hall and looked at the both of us, with a sad smile. He hung up the phone. He half jogged towards us; he embraced Gena and me.

“Don’t ever fucking do that again, you both scared the crap out of me.” He scowled us, I smiled but tears began to spill again. “It’s okay,” he whispered, kissing my head. “When they sort their shit out, you can go talk to them, alright?” I nodded; at least he knew how I felt.

~ ~ ~

I sat out on the beach looking on to the ocean, I smiled, as I kid Jimmy would always bring me down here when they weren’t touring. He’d get me ice cream, stay with me the entire day on the beach until I’d fall asleep in his arms.

He wasn’t crazy; he didn’t drink, smoke or do drugs around me. He was my daddy, the man who was always there for me. His entire life he tried to protect me from anything that could hurt me. I know he didn’t have the best up bringing, guess he didn’t want the same for me. Knowing that I’m the result of a one-night stand hurt, he couldn’t protect me from that pain if he tried. But knowing that it was a one-night stand when Val was with someone makes it worse.

I pulled the cigarette from my mouth and exhaled the toxins slowly. I never did smoke but depressing times calls for nicotine. I tried to sleep in Gena’s but I couldn’t, so I slipped out their back door for a walk. I ended up at the beach, the spot where my earliest memory comes from.

It was a memory of Val and me walking along the beach. I must have been about three or four. People looking at her, back then I didn’t know why, but now I know it’s because she was a teen mother, and making snide comments. There was a woman, in her late forties, holding her husbands hand, and she made a comment, a horrible hurtful one. She said so loudly and clearly, ‘Yes, that’s the tramp that had that trouble makers Jimmy Sullivan’s child. She doesn’t have any respect for herself or their bastard child.’

I remember looking to Val, asking her what bastard child meant. She didn’t say anything, but tears slipped from her eyes and she picked me up. I didn’t understand why she was crying; I’d never seen her cry before. So I started crying with her because I didn’t understand and she laughed, telling me how sorry she was and how much she loved me.

“You know, I think this is earliest time I’ve ever been on the beach.” A male voice commented. I took a long drag of the cigarette before looking, to see Zack standing beside me. “Hey where did you get those?”

“Your not so secret stash in the kitchen press.” I said in a monotone voice. He didn’t say anything, just sat down beside me. “Was it not obvious that Val and Jimmy had slept together to anyone? I mean ninety point nine percent of babies that are born at eight months have to be in an incubator. Was it not obvious from them touring together, always hanging out?” I ranted on, not caring if Zack could answer or not. “Why the fuck didn’t anybody notice?”

“We where all to fucked up to notice anything in each others lives. But knowing now that they slept together kinda makes sense to something’s that happened on tour. Jimmy was drinking more than ever, must have been guilt or something, and Val would always be taking care of him. She never let anyone else keep an eye on him whether he was high or drunk. Val was having a hard time herself.”

“What do you mean? She left me with her mother for a few weeks on end to go off with her boyfriend and the rest of you. How do you call that a hard time? She was robbing money from Gran and Papa for you guys as well-”

“Hold up,” Zack stopped me, I could feel him looking at me but I wasn’t about to meet his gaze. “Yes, she left you with your grandparents. But they wanted her to with us. Although she did steal the money, which they weren’t happy about.” He took the packet of cigarettes and lit one up. “Val had suffered from depression after you where born. She never really admitted, but you know Chris, the smart guy he is, figured it out.

“Your Gran had to force Val to go out. When she had you her life was turned upside down. She stopped going out, she stopped talking to the rest of us and she rarely was seen outside the house with you. She cut off every other angle in her life so she could try bond with you. Touring was the only way she wouldn’t have been depressed all the time. Fuck, even her so-called friends disowned her. She only really had her mom, dad, you and Matt. So don’t be so hard on her alright?”

“Still doesn’t explain why she had to lie to everyone.” I muttered, he sighed and said nothing. “Why are you up anyway? You’re never up past ten.” He chuckled lightly and handed me my cell. “Oh sorry…”

“Nah it’s okay, it was a good walk down. Needed the exercise. Also Brian called last night, he said he didn’t want to know where you where he just wanted to ask you some questions. I told him to text you… So I don’t know…” I smiled and said nothing. What was I supposed to say? “I’m heading back up, be back before nine, yeah?” I nodded letting him walk away.

I flipped out my phone and exited all the missed calls I had from everyone. I opened my inbox and tried to find a message from Brian among all the others, like ‘come home’ and ‘where are you’. Eventually I found it.

Hey, dnt give a crap where u ar. Jus wanna no wat is ur fav name for a girl??

I frowned, wondering why the hell would he want to know that. Sure I used to tell him when I was ten was I was going to name all my kids but that was eight years ago. I text him back saying ‘Emily Rachel, why?’. I didn’t expect him to text back so fast, he’s old, I didn’t know he stayed up till half four in the morning.

U no u share ur b-day with someone special?

I told him I didn’t and then he sent me another message.

Kay, meet ur goddaughter, Emily Rachel Haner. I cooed at the picture of my little cousin, she was so small and cute in the picture. Wen ever u decide to come bk, come visit the hospital.

I clicked out of the message and it was another one from Brain.

Michelle says its ur fault she went into early labour. U have to come down so she can beat u . c didn’t I tell u we would out do jimmy! =]

~ ~ ~

I silently walked in the back door; it was pretty unusual for Zack’s house to be quiet. Normally they would be singing at the top of their lungs to some crap songs. Or their stupid dog would be barking his ass off. I threw the remaining cigarettes back in the drawer. That’s when I heard low muttering coming from the sitting room.

I poked my head in the door and I saw Jimmy’s back. I completely froze and just stared at his back. Gena glanced at me and tried not to make it obvious I was standing there. Zack didn’t notice me as he was sitting beside Jimmy.

“Jesus, I really didn’t want her to know like that. I was going to tell her, I told Val if she didn’t want to tell her that was fine.” Jimmy sighed, I wasn’t going to move until I heard more. “I know I shouldn’t have told Matt, but I could keep it in. He’s been one of my best friends for over twenty years. And I fucking lied to him. Eighteen years, I’m such a fuck up.” He groaned, hanging his head.

“What did Lee say, or did anything happen involving the situation?” Gena asked softly.

“She was really pissed I kept this from her, can’t really blame her.” I frowned feeling slightly bad for him. Jimmy was never one to fight with Leana, they always were happy with anything. Always talking with each other. “She went up to her sister’s in San Fran. She told me she doesn’t want the kids dealing with my crap.”

“Sorry man,” Zack commented. For a second I thought how much easier life would be if I weren’t here. I mean I’m breaking up two fucking families. If I were never born none of this crap would be happening. “Who’s house you staying at or are you staying home?”

“Brian did offer, but they have Emily. She’s coming home and I don’t want to ruin their first day home with her.” His tone was low, he sounded low. I never could picture Jimmy as weak, I never even saw the man look sad or cry. “Do you remember the day Kay came home from the hospital?”

“Do I remember?” Zack laughed, Gena just silently sat smiling at them. “Dude, you wouldn’t let her go. You changed her, stopped her crying and got her to sleep. I think you would have fed her if you had tits.” I let out a small muffled laugh; I’d never been told about my first day home.

“Remember Kenna got jealous when Suzy was holding her?” Jimmy chuckled. “The cries on her, you would think someone was just after beating the crap out of her. I don’t think Sr. ever gave Kenna back to Suzy that fast in all my life.” The chuckled died away and he took a really deep breath. “I wish Katie was small again, so she wouldn’t have to understand. She was a really small baby; I loved holding her while she slept. She was my baby girl.”

“What do you mean was? She still is, Jimmy. Yes she may have grown a shit load over the years but that’s what supposed to happen. She may love boys, money and sex,” I smiled, imaging Jimmy wince. He liked to think I was still a virgin. “But you are the main guy in her life. Every girl loves her daddy. Although we don’t like to admit it when we get older, we still are their little girls.” Gena explained.

“Really?” he questioned.

“Yes, I promise you. As long as you don’t fuck up the father daughter relationship by doing something stupid.” She laughed lightly.

“I think I already did.”

“No you didn’t.” Everyone turned to look at me. Jimmy looked a little shocked and surprised, Zack looked the same and Gena just smiled. “Like Gena said, every girl loves her daddy.”