How to Identify Your Scary Movie Persona

Every scary movie has 5 basic characters, and some of these characters live longer than others. Identifying your role in a scary movie can help you learn the dos and don’ts of participating in a real life horror fest.

Are you the non-believer?

This is the character who believes, until the very end, that nothing is going on. There is no ghost knocking over furniture. There is no hook-handed man patrolling the neighborhood. And, there definitely isn’t a severed head in the refrigerator.

If you are the non-believer just give up now and wait for your slow, painful, inevitable death.

Are you the geek?

The geek is usually the most sensible in the group and offers the best advice, which the others ignore. The geek has a deeper understanding of what is going on and, in theory, should be the lone survivor. The geek’s downfall is that he/she is overlooked by every other member of the group. When the geek says go left, the group goes right. When the geek says, “don’t go in the basement, there’s a raving, murderous lunatic down there”, the group prances down the stairs, flimsy candle in hand.

If you’re the geek, keep telling your friends what they should and should not do, because, even though you’re more annoying than a hungry mosquito, you’re right. But, none of that matters because you’re sure to have a knife in your back within the first hour.

Are you the slut?

The slut is usually the best looking in the group. She has long flowing hair and a body to die for. Her low cut shirts and tight pants give her away almost immediately. Remember: If you can’t identify the slut in your group of horror movie companions, it is probably you.

If you are the slut, enjoy your sexual freedom while it lasts. Go ahead and sleep with the handsome jock who has been eyeing you for weeks. After all, when your time is up, your time is up.

Are you the jock?

The jock is the male eye candy – think Taylor Lautner or Chris Hemsworth. His muscles and amazing jaw structure overshadow the fact that he couldn’t think his way out of a cardboard box. The jock can many times, be found performing inappropriate relations with the slut. He is the one who insists that they split up, causing the death of one or more of his friends.

If you are the jock, just quit while you’re ahead. Your intentions are good, but nothing you do can save your friends and will, ultimately, make their deaths slower and more painful. So, it’s time to fulfill your duty as the jock, and participate in a bloody battle with the killer that will end in your demise.

Are you the virgin?

The virgin sees death all around her, but still remains emotionally sound. She is the cute, but not sexy, badass with extremely good luck. A knife flies at her, but she ducks at the perfect moment. She is about to walk in on one of her friends being murdered, but someone calls her in the other room.

If you are the virgin, you’re in the clear. The virgin is the lone survivor, so no matter what you do you’re likely to stay alive until the very end.

All scary movie characters serve a purpose, even if they die early on. So, if you ever find yourself in a scene straight from a horror movie, ask yourself, “what is my purpose?”