Claim. Reviewed.
Fragile Things. focus on later chapters please.
- Quote
- Story Review Thread
Layout
I like the layout, and the photo used. But I don't like that the text color is so close to the background color. It's slightly difficult to read, so I would recommend either darkening the text color or lightening the background color. Also, I don't think titles need punctuation unless they're like commas or something. So you don't need a period.
Summary
I love the main females name. Riley Noelle, that's definitely unique and pretty. I'm also curious as to the general plot of the story. But the last bit where you introduced Orlando was very abrupt. I think that could've been executed a bit better.
Chapter one
Surely, she could just feel Miami’s pull being lifted from her, the hooks peeling out of her back like a body suspensionist reluctantly coming down, right? I'm pretty sure suspensionist isn't a word.
I really enjoyed the first chapter. It was a good beginning piece. However parts I felt like could've been expanded. Like the bit about the elevator. I thought that maybe you could've branched off and explained that story just so we could connect more with Riley. I loved that she got a smoke covered room and yet she ordered a room without smoking. That was clever.
Chapter two.
I feel stupid. I thought Orlando was meant to be a person not the place. lmfao.
There was one other Noel, and no Rileys. Since you spell her name Noelle, I think you should spell it Noelle in this sentence. And since it's plural it'd be Riley's.
. Noelle would never find that amount of angerhateregret coursing through her system again, realizing she’d been entirely shunned from her family. Part of me feels that the angerhateregret bit would have more effect if it was italicized.
So I liked this chapter. But the whole mean mom, who kicks the daughter out and the bitter daughter is something I find super cliche. It's done too much in stories on here where the mother and daughter have a bad relationship. I'd like it to be a good relationship, but the daughter just wants to go off. I don't get why her mom has such a problem with her daughter going to Disney. That just seems...weird to me.
Chapter three
I like this chapter, it was a sweet moment between the two. But you don't really delve into anything. It's just little scenarios and we don't get much insight on your characters. These new people just popped out of nowhere and we never learn how they meet or how anything between them have started. That's what I'd like to see is more insight to your characters. Moments between them or memories.
Otherwise, you're a fantastic writer. Your wording and vocabulary is great.
March 28th, 2011 at 06:47pm